On minute we are feeling fine...

and the next we are both down!
At about 10:10pm last night, Joel and I each said, "I'm not feeling good."
My throat hurts, and he is achy.
And he called to me in the middle of the night FREEZING. That furry man NEVER freezes!
So, pray for us, cuz there are still 3 munchkins that need at least 1 parent.

Reflections on Narnia and the Impact of Blogging

I haven't had time to blog lately, but I have alot of thoughts to share. By the way, if you are in the middle of reading The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe for the first time, DON'T READ THIS POST!
__________________

On Aslan at the Stone Table:
It has been a long time since I have read the Chronicles, so the story was new again for me. And being a very visual learner, I was able to put things together that I had not picked up on or maybe I had just forgotten. So I was blown away by this set of scenes:

Basically, Edmund, the youngest and most sour brother, betrays the group to the queen for some Turkish delight. Because the law that rules Narnia, the White Witch controls traitors, so she comes to claim the life of Edmund. Aslan, the mighty lion, (described in the book by Beaver:)

"Is -- is he a man?" asked Lucy.

"Aslan a man!" said Mr. Beaver sternly. "Certainly not. I tell you he is the King of wood and the son of the great Emperor-Beyond-the-Sea. Don't you know who is the King of the Beasts? Aslan is a lion -- the Lion, the great Lion."

"Ooh," said Susan, "I thought he was a man. Is he -- quite safe? I shall feel rather nervous about meeting a lion."

"That you will, dearie, and make no mistake," said Mrs. Beaver, "if there's anyone who can appear before Aslan without their knees knocking, they're either braver than most or else silly."

"Then he isn't safe?" said Lucy.

"Safe?" said Mr. Beaver, "don't you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you? Who said anything about safe? 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you."

...speaks to the Witch in private, and she leaves Edmund and goes away satisfied... for later. That night, Aslan goes alone to a place full of the witch and her cronies. He silently walks through their gathering, while they mock him, whip him, then the White Witch kills him.

So, my reflections:
Often it is really helpful for me to understand my relationship to God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit through allegories or other word pictures.

• In this case, I was amazed to see a Lion walking through a gathering of "creatures" that he could clearly dominate, alone, to die. It was moving to me to think of Jesus as powerful enough to ripe the whole city to shreds, but walk peacefully on.
• It never crossed my mind before that Satan must have thought he won. In my basic checks and balances system, Jesus had fulfilled the requirement of the Law. But I never realized that Satan thought he had conquered God for that day.
  
  • And my human nature HATES this. I hate looking foolish, when I can set the story straight. As I watched Aslan quietly lay upon the table, I imagined my own urges - to at least bite a little piece of flesh to remind them how strong I was, so they would see that this was MY choice to die. To put them back in their place IMMEDIATELY and CONTINUOUSLY.
  • I can relate to Peter even more, pulling out the sword and chopping off the ear. Every bit of Peter's manhood was challenged by the method Jesus was using to abolish the Law of Sin and Death.
• Once again, as when I read Rick Joyner's The Final Quest and The Call, I feel like I understand better what my life is suppose to be like - a battle. During a battle, stability and security have a different meaning and value than outside of war.
  
• Stability is a matter of footing, not staying in the same place.
• Security is not about resources, it is about preparing for the next step so you are not taken off guard.
• My last reflection is less serious... but I missed it before just the same. In Narnia, it is "always winter, but never Christmas" under the reign of the White Witch. I just caught on to the Christmas connection - Christmas represents the coming of Jesus, so in an oppressed land, Jesus has not come yet.

_____________

On blogging:

I have previously been able to appreciate the value of blogs in my life. They have allowed me to reconnect with a community of people I have loved in the past, and share a level of conversation that does not exist in snail mail or mass emails. I look forward to reading what they have written and following the conversations they have with others, learning with each word how they view the world.

What I have not experienced until recently was pain through blogs. This is a sad side effect of random intimacy. About 2 weeks ago, I read the blog of an acquaintance who was reflecting on the possibility of having a baby with Down Syndrome. Honestly, this blog was NOT the hurtful blog. I can appreciate his honest reflection of his feelings. Then I shifted to his comments where I began in downward slide to getting my feelings hurt.

Basically, as I read through the initial remarks, I read the comment of someone who goes to my church. In the comment, I saw things that people must think about my life that bother me. I don't like the thought that someone congratulates me on adopting Darin, but really feels that this is something that is beyond words of sympathy.

Then I made my first mistake of leaving myself wide open for more irritation. I commented. I rambled on about each thing that had impacted me in reading the post and the comments. After the writer's initial reply, we shifted to email so we could converse more discretely. And I think that went well.

But the comment HELL continued. Well, not exactly in the comments. I suppose I actually found this in a link on another friend's blog. Of course, I am not the anonymous commenter on the original blog, who provoked most of this post, but I am the one who brought up the Down Syndrome and made it out to be the "greatest thing since sliced bread". And I have found myself hating this person, who I just casually know, and mentally expecting our friends to take a side in this blog-war.

Then, on the way to work today, I realized the damage done by all of us. By me for posting my opinion on a delicate subject. By the sister from my church for posting on a delicate subject. By all of us feeling like we understand the tone of conversation typed over the internet.

So, I want to repent and apologize to all that were involved or in the middle:

To Dallas and Carrie

I apologize for not keeping my mouth shut when I should have. I am sorry that I let Tiffany's comment lead me into reacting to you. Honestly, I made the mistake of taking her comment the worst way possible. And I know she didn't mean it that way.

To Michael and Tammi

I apologize for interfering with people and friendships you have that I am not really involved in. I do not know Dallas & Carrie well enough to say what I did to them. I hope I did not create problems for you, since you are our common connection. Please forgive me for having a big mouth. Thank you for loving our kids and never telling me if you agree with things posted that hurt me. I have determined now that I would rather not know.

To Tiffany

I apologize for not giving you the benefit of a doubt in reading your comment to Dallas and Carrie. I repent for letting it build a wall in my heart between you and I.

To David and Cohen

I apologize for hurting someone you value and not validating his opinion. I repent from hating you for your views and your unkind words. I don't know your tone or intent either.

To Joel

I apologize if my impulsive response to Dallas embarassed you or hurt your friendship with Michael. I repent of this and commit to sit under your slower to respond wise counsel.

To Amy

I apologize for bringing you into this at all. I repent of talking about it to appease my anger.

I am truly sorry for hurting anyone by my perspective.

Life has been so busy, I haven't had time to think, much less blog.

I love my new job. I am finally sitting at my own desk typing this. It is a great environment to work in.

There is a little chaos going on related to Darin. We were anxiously awaiting our "7 month visit" with Darin's birthmom, scheduled for Dec. 17th. We decided to do it a little early, so it would be part of the holidays, instead of after.
Well, all of our communication is supposed to go through the adoption agency, but since she used by cell phone to call her mom from the hospital when we visited together, she does have my number. She has only called 3 times...
So she called to confirm the appointment on Tuesday night, and really threw me for a loop. She told me that she has become friends with Darin's possible birthfather's sister (they met at the bar, Lonnie (BM) is currently working at). The BF's sister said that the family was irritated that they never had a chance to keep Darin. But Lonnie told me she reassured the BF's sister that we are the right family for Darin. So, she invited this sister to come to our visit on the 17th.

This is stressful to me. The process to terminate the BF parental rights is lengthy if he was not involved with the initial adoption placement. So, I don't know any of the repercussions of all this.

I called for the wise counsel of my aunt Joann, who placed a baby for adoption about 14 years ago, and also worked for an adoption agency until last year. Her first and wisest response was:

If Darin is your baby, nothing can change that.

Meaning, of course, TRUST GOD, who orchestrated all of this from the beginning.

But still, the stress is there.

Pray!

My new job

Well, I had my first day at the new job - loved it! The environment was very nice - friendly people, people truly concerned about the people they serve, willing to help me serve them well. I don't have ANY computer time as I am training and working 8-5. But eventually, I will be making my own schedule, and driving to see people in their homes, and I will have time to read and write blogs again. I miss my blog reading, so I feel connected to all of you. Thanks for the prayers. Of course, they worked.

Friday night was a great time for me. I had a huge Kaleo slumber party. Upon reflecting on this time, I realized that something great had happened for me:
I spent the night as Heather. Not as Arabella, Holden & Darin's mom. But as me.
Since becoming a mom, it has been easy to hid behind the kids in new or scary social situations. I can be there and never go beyond the level of regurgitate odds'n'ends about the kids. It is very safe, but completely unfulfilling.
Friday, the kids were safely tucked away with Joel's mom, Darin and Joel were snuggling at the hospital, and I completely let my guard down. I realized this Saturday morning when I had not called to check on how Holden slept or what they ate.
I think I did okay on my own. I was not so socially ackward that I sat alone in a corner. Actually, my whole night was spent drawing Henna art on hands and ankles. A beautiful way to interact - holding the hand of a friend and making them even more beautiful.

My relationgship to Kaleo is weird. Not outwardly, but inwardly. I know we are leaving to plant Basilica. Sometimes, it dawns on me to wait for the new church to create unity, friendship, and strength in a group of women. But then I remember the wandering nature of our call to be churchplanters. We are never going to be anywhere for a long time. But I must continue to invest in each group of women with the same zeal. For in the end, these are my sisters, my support, and from each group I will learn things that will prepare me for the next.

At Ecclesia, I learned to be a mother in a way that feels right to me - nursing, wearing a sling, weighing each decision seriously, choosing my children above my own interests.
At First Baptist, I learned to study the Bible and pursue Him in the midst of motherhood so I could minister to other women.
At Kaleo, I am learning to work together with all the women to be the Body of Christ to one another.

Man, I love these women.

3 Interpretations on a commonly quoted scripture

Over the past few years, I have felt a special closeness to a particular verse, Psalm 37:4

Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.

I think it is very interesting how people interprete this 3 different ways. I want to share my progression through mainly the last two interpretations... I am including the first for completeness.

1. Prosperity interpretation - "if I serve God, he will give me what I want... a big house, nice car, ya know... lots of money and stuff." (emphasis on "he will give you")
   Honestly, I don't think this one lines up with the Bible at all. The focus of our relationship with God is not US.
   
2. Directing God through prayer - "when I pray, I tell God what my heart desires. Then He makes it happen." (emphasis on "desires of your heart")
   This is the way I used to think... especially about Arabella. When I worked at Camp Barnabas in Summer 1999, I had a cabin full of Down Syndrome angels. And I fell in love. So I prayed, "God, if you have an extra child with Down Syndrome, who you need a family for, send them to me." Then Arabella was born in 2001!
   
   But I don't think this is Biblical either... it implies that God doesn't already have a plan, that I know what is best, with the focus still on ME...
   
3. God directing us as we pray - "when I pray, I begin to hear from God, and understand Him, and I am able to see his Desires and they become my desires." (emphasis on "he will give you desires")
   I think this one is actually what happened with Arabella - God, in his infinite wisdom and fore-knowledge, placed in my heart the desire for what He had planned from the beginning of time. That way, I was able to see His blessing in something that scares others. This is consistent with the God of the Bible - focusing on getting GLORY for GOD out of a situation that the world sees inaccurately. Attention on God by all parties!

Isn't it weird how the same verse can be taken so many ways? Do you have examples of this?

Excited about Life

Even though Darin is in the hospital, my life is going pretty well. Having him out for 3 weeks allowed me to accomplish several things that I really wanted while we were there before:
1. Get pictures of all three kids together - well, at least we tried, even though not a single picture will include all 3.
2. Get the ball rolling on the church plant...
3. Plan some bonding stuff for Kaleo... there's a slumber party this Friday night.

Lots of fun!

And I love the cold weather... see my cutie Holden all bundled up.

Darin's back at Texas Children's hospital... so I'm too busy to blog. But in high spirits!

It is finished.

I finally felt peace about my decision... I placed my resignation at the Star of Hope today. I will finish the day after Thanksgiving, then start at VitaLiving on November 28th. I am excited and sad at the same time... typical girl!

I haven't posted about the job yet, because I am having ALOT of trouble deciding... pros both ways. Yesterday, the official announcement was made that my favorite former boss, Erika, is now my boss again. So I have the added pressure of disappointing her. I had pretty well decided to go with the new job until that factor was added in... I wish it didn't matter to me if people are happy with me...
So, I spoke openly about the whole thing with Erika yesterday. Told her I would decide one way or another by Monday, since the other place wants me to start on Nov. 28th...
ARGH!

So, I went on the mysterious interview mentioned 3 posts ago...
The position of CLASS case manager sounds great:

• Use government funds (up to $63,000 per year per person) to support a person living in their home/with a relative rather than being institutionalized (group home, etc.)
• Arrange therapy, home modifications, activities, etc.
• Do quarterly visits to their home
• Complete lots of paperwork
• Create my own schedule, as long as I get all the work done; paperwork could even be done from home.

The interview was great, too. Angela, the director of the CLASS dept. was really nice and we related in alot of areas. She told me she was very interested in hiring me.

The only question is the salary. Basically, the salary starts at less than I currently make. Angela noticed this, and said she was going to request from the director to match my current salary. So, taking the job would not include a raise. Although, it is a hourly pay set-up, so there is potential for overtime.... which I don't have here.

Now I am left with deciding:

Do I want to change jobs for more flexiblity, but more driving?

or

Should I stick around here, close to home, and make it work?

---

Arguments on each side

New adventure Flexible hours Driving around, sometimes at home, sometimes far away Unknown amount of stress, but more structured Nice boss Earning level is same, with hope for overtime?

or

Close to home Not flexible hours, unfortunately including Saturdays Not stressful, but undefined and unfulfilling 97% sure Erika (favorite old boss) will be boss again soon If Erika becomes boss, then Melissa will take her job... freeing up Melissa's position... which I could apply for, have a new adventure, and possibly a raise?

What do you think?
Please comment with insight, perspective, or messages from God.

My angel on her first field trip... who knew she would love horses! I'm looking for some therapeutic riding for her now, since we are pretty bored with our current therapy regiment!

My friend Amy edified me the other day by sending this devotional... hopefully, you can be edified by it too.

"Believing is Seeing"

Micca Campbell, Proverbs 31 Ministries

2 Kings 6:17, "… O, Lord, open his eyes so he may see."

Discouragement is normal to feel when we've experienced some sort of loss, or when we are waiting on God to do something in our lives. It may be that we are waiting on God to find our mate, begin a family, provide a job, cure our illness, or help us achieve our dreams. Yet, when we have unaccomplished goals or unfulfilled dreams due to circumstances beyond our control, we can also feel disappointed with God for allowing these events to take place in our lives. Worse yet, our disappointment grows while we are waiting for God to fix it.

Waiting is the hard part. It's living in the unknown that we don't like. We wonder, "What is God up to? When is He going to do something? Does He hear my cries?" I can answer with a confident, "Yes!" God knows your pain, He hears your cry, and He is at work on your behalf whether you see Him at work or not.

I have learned that while we are "in the wait," peace comes by trusting God. To help increase my faith, I often pray what God has promised me in His Word."Lord, I trust that You are with me. I know that You will never leave me nor forsake me. I am not alone. You care for me. You are my provider, and You have a perfect plan, especially for me. I do not have to be afraid for You are faithful."

Then, I ask God, like Elisha the prophet, to open my eyes so that I can see what I have professed with my mouth. God did that for Elisha and his friend, and He'll do it for you and me, too.

It happened like this. King Aram was at war with Israel. During this time, the prophet Elisha, and another man of God, would spy on King Aram and then report his strategy to the King of Israel. When King Aram found out Elisha was the one blowing his cover to Israel, he sent horsemen and chariots by night to surrounded Elisha's camp and capture him. When Elisha and the man of God awoke and saw that they were encircled by the enemy, the man of God cried out in terror, "What shall we do?" Elisha said to him, "Do not be afraid. For those who are with us are more than them." Then Elisha called to the Lord, "Open his eyes so that he may see." Suddenly, the man of God saw chariots of fire from God all around. What do you think that did to his fear - to know that God was fighting the battle for them?

Do chariots marked with doubt, fear, worry, and discouragements have you surrounded? Do you fear they will conquer you? Are you crying out like Elisha's friend, "What am I going to do?" God is greater than your depression and anxieties. Perhaps it's time to ask God to open your eyes so that you can see His power and love working together to fight your battle. Seeing the truth will help you overcome your discouragement while you're waiting for God to claim your victory.

My Prayer for Today:

Dear Lord, open my eyes so that they may see You and Your mighty power at work on my behalf. Conquer my fear and worry and replace it with faith and trust in You alone. Strengthen my inner being and help me to know and experience the depth of Your love that You have for me. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Hope that builds your faith in whatever situation you are in.

Thursday was a weird day. First, I finally resolved to be content with my current job situation. This does not mean I am not pursuing school. It does mean that I am not going to apply for the other positions within my company, or pursue the interview I have set up with ECI. I decided to take on my job with a renewed vigor. I started 2 new projects to help me enjoy my job at the Star of Hope.

Then, after deciding all this, and having a good day, I recieved a call. The lady on the other end said, "Hi. I'm with Vita Living. We received your resume and we would like to schedule an interview for the case manager position with you."

Now, I don't recall hearing of Vita Living before that moment. And I definitely don't think I sent them a resume. So I said, "Do you know where you received by resume from?"
Of course, she sounded puzzled and said, "No."
I decided to schedule an interview with her, mostly out of curiousity. I wrote down the address and drove home.

Then I immediately got on line to find out what Vita Living was. Honestly, I figured it was a vitamin company who would want me to interview to work for them as a sales person. Lots of companies pick up resumes on CareerBuilder and Monster, just offer non-salary sales jobs - NO THANKS!

But what I found is interesting and somewhat amazing. VitaLiving is "a 501 (c)(3) nonprofit agency that provides long term comprehensive care and support services for adults and children who have developmental disabilities such as mental retardation and cerebral palsy. VitaLiving is recognized as a leading proponent of integrated community living and an expert in the care of individuals with complex disabilities and behavioral challenges."
If you know me at all, you can read this and see that it involves several things that are important to me - community living, resource support, and people with disabilities.

Now I am just curious how they found me. May be it is "divinely coordinated employment". Who knows... I guess I will just have to wait until next Wednesday to find out...

Excitement is building...

Returning to regular prayer, I am quickly becoming more and more excited about the beginning of planting the church. I know God will use this for his purposes. We are finally going to begin meeting this month, hopefully, and getting our team in motion!
YEAH!

My husband

Joel and I didn't sleep in the same building for the entire time Darin was hospitalized. And most of our interaction was as he got out of the car in the morning to go sit with Darin, and I got into the car to go to work.
Yet our love is growing daily. When I got in the car yesterday, on the dash was a envelope that said, "I found this in my journal from a long time ago. I mean it even more than I did almost 5 years ago."

Inside, a handwritten copy of our wedding vows.

Praise to the Lord, the Almighty, the King of Creation!

I don't know if you remember, but about a month ago, I was in a bad spot. Depressed. Confused.

And just a day before Darin went into the hospital, God provided some perspective. Then He enforced that perspective. Darin needed to make an impact on our family equal to that made by Arabella and Holden. After 36 days in the hospital, he has reshaped our life to fit with him.

This time was full of purpose. Honestly, I needed God to force me to sit still. Our life went so quick from spring through summer, that I came into fall spinning. I did not know what God wanted for me, for our family, and I couldn't figure out where to begin regrouping. The chaos and disorganization in my house, the overbooked schedule, our family in a rut...

The funny part is that I could not even figure out how to schedule a night to regroup.

But, when Darin went into the hospital, the schedule was easily cleared. The mess in the house suddenly seemed less overwhelming, and in fact, now that I am home, doesn't seem very disorganized at all. And you know the story of the schedule - cleared with Joel withdrawn from school. And our family rut has been completely smoothed away to be recreated new and different.

Leaving the hospital yesterday was beautiful. Like a new beginning. Darin is just the size of average newborns now (well, maybe a little above average = 10 lbs, but you get the point) and he has now had a chance to reshape our life like his birth would have if we had know about his arrival for 9 months. The air was crisp and cool, burdenless.

So, as I came to work on time today, I contemplated, "How do I want to begin again?"

• Hearing from God. That sounds nice, huh? But I haven't been doing well at that, especially in August and the time immediately preceding the hospital. I couldn't force myself to read the Bible and pray. I felt distracted. And when I did pray, I was whiny.
• Today, I feel thankful. Thankful for God's ability to see the beginning and the end. That God kept preparing Joel, even when I lost focus and direction. Thankful that He lets me come right back to talk, undeserving but loved.
• Prioritizing better. Honestly, I was bitter about having to re-prioritize this summer. I felt the lost of my ministry at Kaleo. I felt unclear about my role as a mom to a newborn while still working.
• Today, I am asking God to show me how to return to my home as a better support for Joel. I want to create new patterns in our home that edify and unify our family.
• Content. This is the hardest one. I am still having trouble figuring out a long short-term plan related to working. I don't know if I can find a way to do my current job that is fulfilling. I don't know if I should pursue change. I don't know if I should begin working toward a graduate degree or nursing. All of these things are confusing and frustrating.
1. If I start graduate school for Instructional Technology, I have to picture myself changing careers in 3 years to use it, to justify the cost of graduate school. I don't know if I want to enter this field just as we are getting more deep into the Basilica Community, since I anticipate wanting to work less and spend more time working with Joel on this if financially possible.
2. If I start working on prerequisites for Nursing School, I still have to picture a career change, but it is one that I can see how I can use on the mission field or anywhere. This one sounds better to me, BUT this option also involves figuring out how to go to a whole year of nursing school without working. There is no point in doing the prerequisites if I can't afford to take the year off for the school between May 2007 - August 2008.
3. If I look for a new job, I may find one that is more personally fulfilling and challenging, but I may have to sacrifice my great schedule, and the chance to have another week of vacation next year.
4. If I stay here, I need to find a way to do this job that doesn't frustrate me. Right now, I do a job that has NO defined tasks or roles, and it is shared by 3 people. I constantly feel like we are frustrating each other by doing the same job in different ways. I really need to be able to determine what I need to do and look back and know I completed the job.

Sometimes, it is very hard to wait for next year and the church-plant. It is hard to wait on going to Russia. I want to do what will support our family the most without setting us back more. Every choice has a financial and a time cost. Even having children - they are the easy choice, because time invested in them is fulfilling. It is choices about spending money on school to make more money to pay off debt that are not as easy. I don't want to invest 3 years in school, then arrive at the 3rd year, and figure out if I had saved that money, we would be ready to go to Russia.

Stop. Trust in the Lord.

That is the new beginning.

"Beyond the Gates of Splendor"

Last night, I was able to watch a movie I have been trying to see for awhile, all while snuggling my Darin. It was a good night.
This movie is a documentary from falling in love to entering the mission field of 5 families. 5 families who lived out 100% the values I claim. Growing up, I read books about these men... The Savage, My Kinsman, and another I can't recall the name.
But this movie completed the beautiful picture. The beginning of the famous story is 5 men who are killed in the attempt to initiate meaningful contact with Amazon "savages". The end is the grandson of Nate Saint, one of the 5, bringing his adopted "savage" grandpa, one of the men who speared his father to death, to his college graduation.

Here am I. Lord, send me.

I realized after watching this movie, that I have been buying into the fear of some people around me. They ask questions about medical care for Darin and Arabella on the mission field that I don't know the answer to. And I wonder if I can really take them.
Satan would win if I listen. Not the war, just the battle.
I don't want to miss out on fighting for the Lord.

Bottom-line:

• This is a battle ground.
• This life is not about health or wealth.
• There are not promises of growing old with our children around us.

I think that those visions are presented to us by the Enemy of God, to make us think that this is our final destination. THIS IS NOT A FINAL DESTINATION FOR ANYONE.
If I chose not to fight, ifI count the cost, and it is too scary for me to attempt, then I don't believe a word God has said. Because I cannot claim to trust him to keep me safe for His purposes as I drive home on I-45, but decide NOT to trust him to keep us safe for His purposes ANYWHERE.

This is a battle. And some will leave this earth so others will understand. But they will go to the permanent destination and they will have joy in God's presence. And for their leaving, glory will be given to God and others will understand.

THAT IS WHAT THIS LIFE IS ABOUT!

Psalm 127

Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labor in vain.
Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchmen stand guard in
vain.
In vain you rise early and stay up late, toiling for food to eat -
for he grants sleep to those he loves.
Sons are a heritage from the Lord, children a reward from him.
Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one's
youth.
Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them.
They will not be put to shame when they contend with their enemies
in the gate.

Camp Barnabas

One of the experience that has had the greatest impact on my life was working at Camp Barnabas, in Purdy, Missouri. It is a Christian camp for people with disabilities. It is the most beautiful place in the world.
It was at Barnabas that I realized that my body was not something to focus on, or stress about. As I carried friends from their wheelchairs, into the swimming pool, I realized that my body did exactly what I needed it to, whether I liked my patches of cellulite or not.
It was at Barnabas that I realized you can see what a man of God looks like through how he cares for a child. How he wipes a booty. It's no surprise some of the most wonderful men I have know worked at Barnabas with me.
It was at Barnabas that I went through the most difficult summer of my life, struggling to lead the women counselors as I felt tired and frustrated.

This past week, Extreme Makeover Home Edition was at Camp Barnabas. Most episodes of this show have alot of building, alot of design, mostly showing the process of the remodeling. This episode barely even walked through the 3 buildings built by Ty and his crew. The cameras were captivated by the campers. They really found the essence of Camp Barnabas - the beautiful children who make it special.

Arabella, Holden and Darin will all go to Camp Barnabas when they are 6 years old. Camp Barnabas is alot like the Rise School in that they have the siblings of the children with disabilities come as well. I love this. I never want to seperate Holden from Arabella and Darin, sending them off to seperate experience. Arabella is half-way there - only 3 more years! When she goes, I will have to volunteer so I stick around and see her win the hearts of people walking in my old shoes. Many, I miss that place.

If you are a blog tourist, than check out some of the most beautiful people I have ever met, those I worked with at Barnabas:
Chelsea and Jesse, married this summer
Kevin and Latonya, married last spring
Elisabeth
Sean
Jeremy

I am going through some up's and down's emotionally right now. I am up personally/spiritually. I feel okay about what I am able to do, and my relationship with God. But I feel REALLY down about being in the hospital with Darin. It is hard to be away from the family so much. I went home for 2 hours last night, while my mom sat with Darin. Heading back to the hospital, I cried. For the first time, I just didn't want to leave home. Usually, I have felt a decent balance, and don't mind returning. But I was feeling pretty hopeless upon my return. Darin was calm and tired, so I fed him and turned out the lights to go to sleep. Then the charge nurse came in to ask me to change rooms. Our room has a camera for watching patients with eating disorders; they needed the room, so we needed to move. This took until 12:30. Then we had to hook Darin up to his Bi-pap breathing machine. By this point, I was in tears. I don't like to see my baby with a heavy mask pulling on his face while he tries to rest. The nurse asked if I needed a break. Nice offer - don't know what she thought she would do to give me a 'break' at 1:30 in the morning. But it was nice.
Fortunately, our new room has less light and noise coming in from the hallway, so I slept better.
Please come visit if you have time. It is hard to be away from the kids and Joel all evening, but visitors make the time go by alot faster.

[Room Change...]

Last night, Heather and Darin had to change rooms... same floor, but different room, and different phone number. For those who call us, change the last two numbers from 28 to 14.

Damn that Joel for praying...

Yesterday, Darin's pediatrician told me that we could go home on oxygen if we were ready. We are definitely ready. This offer didn't really involve the resultion of the breathing difficulty, just waiting them out at home instead of the hospital. Bitter sweet.

I really started getting excited. I miss being at home. While we are in the hospital, I only see Joel and the kids about 1-2 hours MAX per day. Really, I see the kids this much, but I only see Joel when we swap places, so our time is about 30 seconds per day.

Then we got the news: The sleep study I did with Darin on Wednesday night did not look good. (more details on his website) We now have more specialist to see, so we will stay in the hospital to figure this out.

Now, this was not totally surprising, or all bad news. We did the sleep study to find out if there was a problem. And as I struggled to get Darin to sleep with 30 sensors glued to his head, then covered by a make-shift ski mask, then wrapped in tape... I doubted the need for the study. I actually planned about 10 times during the night to tell the technician that we were not going to finish, to unhook him, and let us go back to our room. But I didn't. And I am glad we completed it. It might be the reason God has kept him in the hospital - so we would keep testing and find out how to help Darin best. I can understand that.

But I am choosing to blame Joel for having to stay.
He told me that he laid hands on Darin and prayed that God would not just let Darin go home "okay", but that God would send Darin home "WELL".

See how it is all Joel's fault.

Wow, my brain is beginning to be fried by the schedule I am living. Unfortunately, I am not good at being productive at the hospital. I am ready to go back to our regular life. I could appreciate a night of cleaning house and changing diapers.
I miss my husband. Over the past 2.5 weeks, we have spent about 10 hours total in the same room. It is hard to plan life together in this situation.

Well, I'm still on a forced "vacation" with Darin in Texas Children's Hospital. Lots of time to think and pray. I am doing really well. Feeling God's presence again. I am happy.

Timing.

It is amazing how God's timing works out. One day before Darin got sick again, Joel decided to withdrawal from school. It all works together just right.
I have been feeling alot of peace over the past few days. So many factors outside my control... all requiring full faith. My only choice.

So, I came to work today, while Joel is with Darin at Texas Children's Hospital. The director inquired about Darin, and recommended unpaid leave (FMLA). I told him it would be better if I could come in at least part of the week, so I could still have an income. He said, "I am not worried about the hours. Just come in as much as you can." The good thing about salary is that once I clock in, I get paid for the full day. So, I have permission now to work the amount that is best for our family. THANK YOU, GOD!

An interesting day...
After my last post, Joel said something interesting. He said that he needed time to calculate, plan and consider.
I said, "What?"
He said it was like when he asks me to make a purchase, and I have to consult with my Money software and crunch numbers.
I said, "What are you calculating?"
He said, "If we can afford for Darin to not have the impact the other kids did on our lives - to have you home for the first year with them."

This phrase BLEW me away. He finally figured out how to say what has been dragging me down for weeks. I have tried to label it 100 ways. But it all comes back to feeling like Darin was just squished into a very full life...

So if you read Joel's post, "Change, it is a'comin'...", you will see the sweet, self-less plan he presented to me yesterday. For me to turn in 2 weeks notice at work, for him to withdrawal from UH and then to find a job. It is definitely the opposite extreme of our current situation.

But today, as I came to work, and took time to pray, I was able to break down my stress even farther... which I can now realized is my fault is alot of ways.

Basically, my biggest concern is a parent for Darin to be with 100% - no passing around between babysitters, etc. And Joel is able to do that EXPECT when in class.

Well, the last week of the summer, as we looked at our schedule, Joel said, "There is no way I can do this and go to school." And I said, "We've got to." And he said, "But they don't even have Russian Studies, which is why I was going to school." And I said, "But we've got to."

So, when I examined Joel's new plan, to find a job and let me stay home, I found several flaws, but also an alternative with the same strengths...

Flaws:

• Joel can not prepare to pastor the Basilica Community if he goes back to work. When he works, he gets home late, and he needs to spend that time with the kids. My job is perfect. Ministry, close to home, GREAT HOURS (7-3:30).

Key strength:

• Joel quits school.

It seems like either way, Joel needs to be out of school. Either so I can be with Darin, or so he can. It makes sense... it is my fault that we didn't see it before.

Alternative:

Joel withdrawals and stays home with Darin.

Working toward healing, I become more and more transparent. Hopefully, in the end the sadness will melt away, and you will see me whole again...
Everyday, I am doing self-examination to figure out what is leading to my feelings of depression and anger. My mom suggested chemical imbalance the other day. Right off I knew this was not it...
Which lead me to realized that something in my life is leading to my sour outlook. So I need to pin point the thing.
Tonight, Tammi suggested that I am under spiritual attack because of the work God is using Joel for. She encouraged me not to listen to the Devil, letting him sabotage this work. This is an idea I have been wrestling with myself. It is almost as if I can tell myself not to sabotage it, and pick a fight to try to sabotage it all in the same moment.
So, Joel heard Tammi and I talking. And he came in to bug me until I would tell him what we talked about. Which was annoying, but the exactly right thing for a husband to do - be interested and listen.
When I hear myself say what is going on, I feel like a nut-case. Basically, for the first time in my life, I don't want to be on God's big adventure. I'm not saying I don't want to do it at all.... just not right now. Honestly, I have never wanted average life so much.
So what changed?
We adopted Darin.

My friend Krissy and I talked about 2 days ago. We both had our 3rd child this year and were sharing our feelings on this experience. She put it very well. She said that Kadence brought alot of balance to her life. She had been struggling with doing the mommy-thing to her older 2 boys and re-defining herself as an individual. Having Kadence reconnected her to the mommy priorities, and helped set her individual priorities.

So, this spring, when God told Joel to plant the Basilica Community, I was in a season of renewed exploration of who God would have me be at Kaleo, as a minister of the gospel with Joel, and later in Russia. It was easy to see how taking on this challenge would build into all that God might use us for.
Then God laid out all the pieces for adopting Darin. It was clear and undeniable that God had prepared this path.

But adopting Darin had taken me out of the season of exploring outside ministry, and returned me to a focus on motherhood. Only, with just 6 weeks preparation, I have not made a graceful transition between the two.

This is actually a relief to understand. I can see that I need to make some life adjustments. Now figuring out what those are is the next challenge.

September is halfway over and I can't say I am sorry to see it go. This month has been hard. I don't have a positive outlook on life right now. I need hope.
I am struggling with praying right now. It seems like when I need to pray and seek God the most, it is the hardest to do. Of course, I can say the prayers. I am just not doing well at listening in faith for the voice of God.
I am also struggling with community. My community is essential during times of crisis like this. But my human nature is driving me to push them away. Help is alot more welcome when it is optional; when it is required to survive, it is hard to accept.

God, I need you. I need your outlook on life. I need hope that even when I can't figure out a solution, there is one. I need faith in your Kingdom, your power, your glory. I really need help loving, and being lovable.

Life is getting better. I think that I just needed to sit still... Darin going into the hospital did this for me. I have bee sitting with him for the past 16 hours. I feel alot less stressed.
Today is Arabella's 4th birthday. My angel is becoming a little lady. Everyday with her is beautiful. I miss her. I haven't seen Arabella or Holden since leaving for the hospital with Darin. I did talk to them on the phone. Holden and I had a real conversation. He is growing up too fast.

I watched this "Wife Swap" show at the hospital. This millionairess swapped lives with a working-class mom. The rich lady spent all day shopping and working out, then went out to dinner 6 nights/week, while 4 nannies took care of her 4 children (all under 8 years old). I want to kick in the butt. She is missing the best part of her life. She figured this out somewhat by the switch. She said that a change upon returning from the show was that now her daughter woke up and called out for her mom, instead of the nanny. DUH - that is what a kid is suppose to do! It makes me very sad to think that people take for granted time with their kids. Makes me wonder who raised Paris Hilton...

Today is not a good day. Darin coughed so much last night that at 2:30 am, I took him to the hospital. They suctioned out his mucus, then put him on oxygen. So, now he is being admitted to stay there for a few days.
This is icing on a bad cake. I have been having a rough week emotionally. I feel overwhelmed by my life and there is nothing to do but hope it passes. September was just a busy month... I wish it would be over.
I stayed with Darin until 6:30am, then Joel got to the hospital and I came to work.
I think the thing that is depressing me most is other people doing my job, being the mom. I feel like I have to organize childcare more than anything else. My heart is breaking.
I am asking God to help me find options that feel better.

A story from the trenches...
Last Friday, I spent the day helping a man, Eugene Hamm, try to search for his wife. They were seperated leaving Louisiana after the flood. His wife, Carol, went on a military rescue truck with her dad to get medical attention, and Eugene was left behind with his teenage son and the son's girlfriend.
Starting about 7 am, we called the Red Cross, then started surfing message boards to see if she had listed her name and location on any of them. Since Eugene is currently transient and homeless, I listed by cell number as a way to contact him. Honestly, I didn't know if we would ever cross information paths with Carol. Since just about every television station has set up a "Survivors of Katrina" message board, there are alot of places to search. We searched until lunch, then I began to encourage him to make a plan about what he and his son would do, not dependent upon finding his wife. He was resistent.
After lunch, I went back to helping another family get in touch with scattered relatives. They were using my cell phone when it received a call. It was a lady in Pearland. She said that she read a post on the Yahoo Message board for Carol Hamm. She saw Carol on the CNN news live from Atlanta. Carol was in the studio, sending out a message to Eugene.
We tracked down the info for CNN Atlanta, then they sent us to the Red Cross Atlanta. When we called them, Carol was standing right there. We handed Eugene the phone and all started crying.
A good day in Social Work.

Well, since I work with the homeless population, things have really gotten busy. In the wake of Hurricane Katrina, we have had alot of refugees from Louisiana. It has actually been really fun to have such a fast paced work environment. I figured out about a month ago that I like my job when I am busy. I don't like it when I am bored.
I am really trying to refocus on the goal. So what is the goal... to glorify God. But what is the practical application of this.
As a mom, I am really working on playing more, bossing less. The last 2 days have been good. We have gone in the backyard and played hard after I get home from work. The kids seem to be responding to me better and acting out less - maybe they are just too tired to misbehave! I really want my kids to see me the way I see my mom. She demonstrates who Jesus is for me all the time.
As a wife, I feel like I need a goal. We have been so busy, I don't know who to glorify God by my interactions with Joel. I have making an effort to nag less... hopefully, that is glorifying to God. I also want to support Joel more. Right now, I am in a holding pattern, waiting for him to attend the Acts 29 Bootcamp so I can follow him in the next steps for the Basicila Community.
As a child of God and member of the body of Christ, I feel like I have lost my plan. Before Darin, I had certain things I was directed to do for our church. I need to figure out if these are still the things to do.

Well, there was a big PAUSE here while I went to do some Star of Hope work.... it was really good. I got to talk to a lady for her extension (which means I decide if she can stay another month here)... she looked very sad. And for once, I had the boldness to share the Gospel. At least sprinkle some seeds. Pray for her... for confidentiality, call her GH.

On my relationship with God...
My friend Tiffany posted an interesting challenge to explore our relationship with God, rather than just Christian-pop culture topics in our blogs. So people can learn and grow together. Here's my shot...
I am on a continuous roller-coaster ride in my relating to God. He is steady. I am anything but steady. Over the past year, I can see Him more. Why doesn't this make me trust Him more?
I think I have a tidal relationship - or bi-polar - whichever analogy suits you more. I will vigorously pursue Him, seek discipline, pray, trust - then one day, I will forget it all. Not on purpose, just not with purpose seeking Him.
I confess this is the state of my last month.
May and June were the close part of our relationship. I clung to Him in the midst of chaos and He, of course, sustained me and showed me the abundant life that comes within His plan. Not financial or material abundance. Peace.
Then July became busy. And routine. Sometimes I think I need chaos and uncertainty to drive me to God. Did I just write that? I don't think I really want to say that.
Anyway, right now, I am trying to return to discipline to bring back the closeness. I don't know "theologically" what support there is for this idea, but I think that you need to discipline yourself to pursue God. That way, whether you "feel" like being a Christian, you will still honor Him.
Right now, it's not that I don't want to pursue God, I just feel distracted. For example, I went to pray on Sunday, and the phone rang. Shouldn't have answered it, but I hate returning calls. Then, once the call was over, I forgot to go back to praying.
I think I need structure to my praying and bible study. I need a particular time set aside for it. I am asking God to help me find this order. I don't know where it should go. I just know it MUST be there. I miss it.

Met the funniest lady the other day. She was the grant writer for a homeless project for teens in Colorado Springs called UrbanPeak. For the past 10 years, she and her college roommate have been taking annual road trips throughout the country. They decided they would like to "share" their adventures with someone... so here is what they do.
Like in the movie Amelie, they take pictures of a garden gnome where ever they go. But this is where it gets crazy: 10 years ago, they picked a name and address out of the Denver phone book. Every year, they send pictures and letters to the people at this address, describing their adventures. Sometimes they mention, "stopping by Denver and looking forward to trying your jello salad." This is so fun, and crazy. I wish I could see the reactions of the recipients. Of course, they sign fake names, but always the same fake names. It is awesome.

Just got back from Colorado. My best friend Amy works at UrbanPeak with this lady. Our whole family loaded up in the car to visit Colorado Springs for Amy's wedding. It was an adventure. The first 2 days were spent driving while a continuous loop of Barney, Elmo and VeggieTales played in the backseat. It really wasn't bad - the kids were happy, so I was happy. Then Friday morning, wedding activities started up right away. Arabella was the flowergirl, and I was the matron-of-honor, so we went with the other bridesmaids to get our nails done. This was a big adventure. Arabella is not too fond of people holding her hands still, so I ended up painting her nails myself. Then we jetted back to Amy's house, where we realized we were running late for Amy's next appointment. So Joel came to pick me up with a car full of fussy boys. Uncle Tim accompanied us to a local deli, Woogle's, for a chaotic lunch. Then dress-rehearsal time. The wedding was to be held up in the mountains about 45 minutes away.
The rehearsal was a disaster. There was a gentle rain for most of the rehearsal, bringing into question the plans for an outdoor wedding the next day. At first glance, an indoor option seemed pretty and do-able. The lodge of the Lost Dutchman was gorgeous, with an indoor waterfall with a raised platform in front of it. But the manager of the lodge did not make this option simple... she complained and complicated things until Amy was extremely frustrated. My favorite phrase from the evening: Amy said, "I am putting the "ass" in assertive." Anyway, we left the rehearsal praying against the rain, and at a very high level of stress.
But the rehearsal dinner was a great redemption of the day. At a cozy little tavern in a small mountain town, the dinner was intimate, casual, and fun. The groom, Brad's, extended family put together an "Almost-Wed Game" in the style of the Newlywed Game. They let Amy and Brad earn Old Navy & Chipotle bucks to spend. It was very cute. Amazingly enough, out of about 40 questions, their answered matched on all but 2 or 3.
Saturday, we got up to another overcast day, threating rain. I accompanied Amy to get her hair done for the wedding. My sweet brother Tim created a contingency plan of tarps to cover the guests during an outdoor ceremony in the rain. But when we headed up to the lodge, the sun started peeking through the clouds. The wedding was performed outside, dry and beautiful.
It was a neat setup. The ceremony was performed on a hill outside the lodge. Then, while the wedding party took pictures, there was fishing around the lake. Then came dinner. Then dancing! Arabella didn't perform too well as the flowergirl - stage fright, of course. But man, she performed during the dancing. That little princess danced non-stop for about 3 hours. She danced with almost every person at the wedding. It was really cute (unbiased opinion!).

I have known Amy for about 8 years. I just finally met Brad on Friday. But they seem like a good match. Over the past 3 1/2 years, I have observed their relationship from afar. It was good to finally meet him. He really made a good impression by trying to get to know me in the midst of a chaotic weekend. I hope this first year of marriage goes by quickly - it's a hard one!

Amy is the closest friend I have ever had. We met in 1997, as we both entered ASC (Aggie Sisters for Christ) at Texas A&M and ended up living in the same apartments. This may be a wierd thing to say, but having Amy around made it fun to be single. She understood me, and was a great companion, so I didn't feel like I had to have a guy around all the time. Even after college, when I went to India, she was the only person who really seem to understand my journey. She happened to move to Colorado for the Dale House while I was training for India in Colorado Springs, so she put me on the plane for India, and she picked me up after I got back. I have watched her grow so much. It was hard to give her away to Brad.

Back in 1997, ASC had a formal in Dallas. Amy and I weren't dating anyone, but we still wanted to go. So, she called a high-school friend to take her, and I told her to get her brother to go along with me. I had never met Chris, but I figured, "How bad could it be." The beginning of the weekend, before the formal, Chris and I didn't even speak - ackward! But we all got dressed up, and the evening turned out to be fun. Chris is really senical, but I gave him a run for his money. After that, I would call him a friend...
I'm telling this story for a reason. This weekend, Chris and his awesome girlfriend Deanna were at the wedding (of course). Chris was friendly, and Deanna was a big help with the kids. Throughout the wedding, while I was juggling my three children, Chris would say, "Wow, you really have to know how to multitask." or some other comment. They all sounded supportive and nice. So, I was surprised to hear this story the next day:
Tim, my brother, went out with Chris, Deanna, bridesmaids, etc to a bar after the wedding. I guess Chris had never been introduced to Tim. Chris randomly said something like, "Wow, can you believe how crazy Heather's little brats were?" (paraphrase from heresay) while Tim was sitting right next to him. In true Tim form, he let a 5 second pause go by, then extended his hand, saying, "I don't think we have met - I'm Heather's brother Tim."

This really shouldn't bother me. I shouldn't even let it. But it does. I like to think that people are real when they interact with the kids - if they don't like them, ignore them. But if you are going to look at them, look with love.
Okay, well, I will stop ranting. I needed to get that out. Thanks for reading.

The rest of the trip was pretty nice. We spent Monday and Wednesday with Amy and Brad. On Tuesday, we ventured to Denver to visit some other friends, Lauren & Ella, and Brent & Courtney. We only had about 1 hour to play at Lauren's, but that was probably for the best since the kids bonked Ella in the head about 3 times in an hour. Then we did dinner with Brent & Courtney... seeing them was great. Joel and I were refreshed by our time with them. They are missionaries at heart like us, but they struggle with day-to-day life like us, too... parenting, working, marriage. Their dreams are going to take awhile to acheive, just like ours. Alot to identify with. I feel sad they live to far away.

We got home on Thursday night, spent yesterday recovering, and I am back at the Star of Hope today. Life is always crazy, always exciting... sometimes I dream of being bored!

Yesterday was a great day. Our entire family of 5 snuggled up in our queen-size bed for an afternoon nap. This may seem crazy, but the total weight of the younger 3 members = 64 lbs., so it is not too hard to fit. Actually, since Darin and Holden both want to sleep by the bed rail, they are sort of stacked - Holden with his head about 2 feet down in the bed, then Darin right above him. It is pretty cute.
Our life has been on full-speed-ahead since about June 12th, when we started working on getting to see Darin. Laundry has been pushed aside. Grocery shopping has been on an as-needed, if-eating-is-convenient basis. Toilets have been getting grimmier. Joel has been finishing summer school. And he took his last final at 1pm yesterday. Full-speed ahead.
Halt.
We finally stood still, all of us together, a family, in the same place at the same time. And it was beautiful. I love these moments.
Then the evening just got better. I actually got the laundry done, the toilet clean - and the outside says alot about my inner chaos. So that came into order to. Our evening was spent dancing. And rapping. Holden and Arabella spinned about with reckless abandon, falling down and crashing into one another. Then hugging and wrestling.
This is what life is all about.

Now we are about to have 10 days of vacation together. I am so excited. I remember the driving-vacations with my parents well. At 8, we drove to New York to see my godparents, Pete & Carol. Dad sang old hymns loudly, off key. We listened to books on tape. We played the alphabet game. Time well-spent. Just last summer, mom hit the road with me, Arabella, & Holden for Florida. That trip wasn't perfect. Holden didn't like being stuck in the carseat, so half my time was spent hanging over the backseat, trying to nurse. Don't picture it. But we got to see my cousins who live in Saudi Arabia. And play in the ocean. And I had 45 mins with my grandad - the last moments I saw him before he went to Heaven in October. I was mad at myself, because I had planned on bringing "Green Eggs and Ham", so he could read it to my kids, and they could share my memory of this. But I forgot the book. And now the memory is only mine.

I've been thinking about Grandad alot lately. I didn't know how to mourn him last year. Such mixed emotion... his last 3 years were so full of pain, and his 2nd to last year full of healing... it felt selfish to be sad. He is in Heaven worshiping God right now. But I miss playing battleship, eating grilled cheese and potato chips, working in the garage and inventing things with him.

What a great design of the Father - the family. How else would we know "love"?

Life is passing so quickly...
My ideal scenario: I plan something, tell others about it, then execute it with perfect timing.
My real scenario: God puts dreams in our heart. We begin to pray about them. Things start happening that are way beyond our control... and may not even involve us.

Case in point:
We have been praying about going to Russia for about 2 years. Almost everything in our life has been leading up to that. At Christmas this year, Joel quit his job and I returned to work, so he could pursue a degree in Russian studies at UH. In March, we went to the Hope for CEE conference, where I really began to feel direction on what to begin doing for a move in 3-4 years... start learning about the city (Rostov na Donu), sharing the information with others so they will pray, building a team of prayers and a team of go-ers...
Honestly, I was ready to put all my energy into this.
Then along came our little angel Darin Michael. And my time has been reassigned.
But the work for Russia is not waiting. I barely have time to pray, but God is still preparing people. Obviously this is a good thing. But it also feels like I am left behind and like it is very out of my control. These are feelings I don't really like.
What's happening is good - our friend Jessica has become interested in joining our team to work in Rostov. She has started planning a trip to get exposure to the country. And she will possibly even meet our native Russian teammember, Sam - he might translate for the trip she will go on in December.

The same thing is happening with the church plant that God has laid on Joel's heart for here in Houston. I can pray for it, but Mike & Tammi are making connections, telling people, enlisting possible co-workers. Once again, this is really good. But it is also overwhelming because I am not very involved.

All I can figure is God is teaching me to be content to pray, and then watch Him pull together the logistics. Honestly, I didn't have a clue how to pull together all this stuff. And now God is doing an awesome job. I should be glad I get to know about it at all.

Reflections on 28 years...
While living in India, I had two experiences with "older" women that I can relate to more today than ever before.

• I shared my room, and alot of my traveling time, in Rajasthan with Helen. Helen was a 69-year old grandmother from San Angelo, Texas. And that is all I saw her to be for the first 2 months we were together - a grandmother. She wore different clothing than me (from the "Women's Department") and she wore her hair in a style that speaks of a different era, involving rollers and picks. Honestly, I didn't even try to find out who she was as a person. About 1/2 way through out trip, she got really anxious. Paralyzed by the unknown, she would avoid going out to do the work we came to do... "What a waste, what a wimp," I thought, having adjusted to this place like a fish to water. Then our team leader pointed something out - at her core, Helen is just a girl. The same girl she was at my age. She may have been outgoing or shy, pretty or homely, but either way, someone who needs friends. And her years have given her faith and experience that could teach me alot. I think it took reaching out to her/looking out for her about 2 days before Helen completely opened up. She began to share her journey to India. It turned out she was an adventurer like I only dreamed of becoming. And I almost missed it all.
• About 1 1/2 months into our time in Rajasthan, the president of Caleb Project and his wife came to check on our team. They left 3 elementary-age children back in Colorado while they traveled throughout India. During their stay with us in Jodhpur, the wife pulled me aside and said this:

"I may not look like you, but I am not different. When I look in the mirror, I still see the young girl I was in college, and wonder who this woman is. I need a friend. You may not think that we are the same. But I am having a hard time right now. I see myself as the same as you."

Right now, I can understand these words more than ever before. Most of my social life is spent with beautiful younger women who seem to be a lifetime away from motherhood and marriage. Many times, I feel like I don't know what to talk about with them, because all of my similar experience are "I remember when."

As I grow older, I still perceive myself as 20 years old. I still long for my mother's approval. I still love the butterflies I get from holding hands. I still try to shop in the junior's section. Only now, my body shows the bulge of 2 pregnancies. And it doesn't matter if I can wear a bikini, cuz my husband likes cotton panties and a t-shirt best.

Actually, writing this made me realize what feels so different even though I think I am the same - I feel safe, secure, happy, like I have succeeded. Not that I've stayed a size 4, but that I am in a relationship I could only dream of at 20. I have kids I never even imagined. I don't feel like money is ruling my life, even though it is often a thorn in my side. My relationship with God is more requiring of faith than ever (which is a good thing). And I am not bored, which is a big fear I have about life.

My life is a very busy adventure. Joel and I have been married now for 4.33 years, and only know each other for 5 years... in that time, we have had 2 kids, adopted 1 kid, moved from 3 apartments, lived with his grandma, and bought a house. Every other year, he has worked and I have been a stay-at-home mom... then the other years, he goes to school and I work. This is my year.
My day job
While Joel and I were dating, and struggling to "stay out of trouble" if you know what I mean, we started visiting the homeless people that live under Pierce Elevated (the freeway) in downtown Houston. They were so fascinating, and appreciated what ever food or blankets we could scrounge up to bring with us. And I started wanting to know what resources existed to help them. So I applied to volunteer with the Star of Hope, who has 3 homeless shelters here. But on the interview to volunteer, they recruited me for a job.
I worked at the Star of Hope the whole time I was pregnant with Arabella (2000-2001). And I loved it. I felt like me skills in organizing and planning could really help direct people. When I quit to take care of Arabella, I was sad to leave.
So for 3 years, I tried to figure out how to come back. When I worked in 2002, I needed more flexiblity than SOH could offer, so I worked for ECI. But this year, when it came time to go back to work full-time, I was ready. I returned to the Star of Hope Women & Family Shelter in January 2005. Alot has changed since my last stint here... It has become very "business" like, specializing more in having a process than actually connecting with the homeless people. Honestly, I have trouble being here now. I am praying God will give me the direction on how I can make the new setup here feel meaningful. It doesn't feel helpful.
But the schedule rocks
The best part of SOH is the schedule. I get off at 3:30, 2.5 miles from home, so I am home by 3:40 tops. From then on, I am 100% mom.
The real job
Like the triage nurse in the ER, I walk in and start planning which munchkin needs the most immediate care... Arabella's fussing - get her a snack; Darin's sleeping - throw his bigs and clothes in the washer; Holden's bouncing off the walls - take him outside to swing. This is the work I truly love. I am exhausted and completely fulfilled.
Having babies, the pregnancy part, was hard for me. But caring for babies, daily, constantly, is not hard. I love it!
On being a wife
The job that I focus on the least, but wish I could focus on more, is being a wife. Joel is a great husband. He actually goes to school and takes care of the baby, carpools the kids to and from school, and is preparing to pastor a church. He does alot. And my usual response to him is to ask for more - more help, more time, more of him. I am a pain in his butt. But I don't want to be... I wish we could just hang out more. That is how our love started - just spending 8-9 hours talking in a diner. We are definitely best friends.

My blog

Doing God's work around the World just makes sense in my life...
Before I know the Lord, before He had rocked my world and given me a purpose in life, I wanted to be a world traveler. Growing up, my grammy & grandad lived in Japan and Saudi Arabia, and we were able to visit them in Japan. Also, my mom took us to visit Mexico several times. And my families form of "vacation" was traveling by car across the east part of the U.S. in a van with 3 kids. So I naturally wanted keep traveling as an adult.
Jump forward to college... I noticed that life was meaningless, without a purpose, in the Spring of 1997. The Holy Spirit was gently tapping on my shoulder, showing me where to find a purpose, but it took from January until June for me to pay attention. Then my life turned AMAZING. Between June and the next January, I felt the Lord leading me away from the major I loved (architecture) to a career focused on Him.
Doing missions just makes sense... travel combined with serving and loving people. Everyone has a way they express love. In my family, this is service - doing work to show your love to another.

God begins using my life for His purpose:
So as college went on, my mission work began. I spent 3 summers working with children with disabilities at Camp Barnabas in Missouri. This taught me to incorporate spiritual lessons into daily tasks. I bath and diapered, carried and snuggled, and disciplined and guided children and adults. This job required reliance on God more than anything else I had done. I also learned to see past the external to what God had designed them to be.

Then the adventure stepped up a level:
At the end of college, I was offered the amazing opportunity to live in Rajasthan, West India, for 3 months. During this time, I met beautiful people representing an entirely different part of God's nature and design. I fell in love with them and with the idea of teaching them about God. I dreamt of living in Jodhpur forever.

Upon my return from India, I started putting my life in order to get back to Jodhpur. Then I met Joel. During our dating, he told me that until God put a specific direction on his life, he would follow the directions God had given me...
By our 2nd month together, God began to show us the direction He would have us follow together. At a missions conference in Dallas, we were first introduced to Russia as a place in need of Jesus.

More to come, when I have time to write again!