An interesting day...
After my last post, Joel said something interesting. He said that he needed time to calculate, plan and consider.
I said, "What?"
He said it was like when he asks me to make a purchase, and I have to consult with my Money software and crunch numbers.
I said, "What are you calculating?"
He said, "If we can afford for Darin to not have the impact the other kids did on our lives - to have you home for the first year with them."

This phrase BLEW me away. He finally figured out how to say what has been dragging me down for weeks. I have tried to label it 100 ways. But it all comes back to feeling like Darin was just squished into a very full life...

So if you read Joel's post, "Change, it is a'comin'...", you will see the sweet, self-less plan he presented to me yesterday. For me to turn in 2 weeks notice at work, for him to withdrawal from UH and then to find a job. It is definitely the opposite extreme of our current situation.

But today, as I came to work, and took time to pray, I was able to break down my stress even farther... which I can now realized is my fault is alot of ways.

Basically, my biggest concern is a parent for Darin to be with 100% - no passing around between babysitters, etc. And Joel is able to do that EXPECT when in class.

Well, the last week of the summer, as we looked at our schedule, Joel said, "There is no way I can do this and go to school." And I said, "We've got to." And he said, "But they don't even have Russian Studies, which is why I was going to school." And I said, "But we've got to."

So, when I examined Joel's new plan, to find a job and let me stay home, I found several flaws, but also an alternative with the same strengths...

Flaws:

• Joel can not prepare to pastor the Basilica Community if he goes back to work. When he works, he gets home late, and he needs to spend that time with the kids. My job is perfect. Ministry, close to home, GREAT HOURS (7-3:30).

Key strength:

• Joel quits school.

It seems like either way, Joel needs to be out of school. Either so I can be with Darin, or so he can. It makes sense... it is my fault that we didn't see it before.

Alternative:

Joel withdrawals and stays home with Darin.