Cleaning out

Wow, I have felt behind by about a week since we got Darin last summer. There are always about 5 things that I feel like I should have done, but I have NOT done.
Over the past 2 weeks, this list of things has finally been getting done.

1. The first was cleaning out my laundry room. In a tiny house such as mine (1000 s.f. + 5 people), every inch matters and a messy space = a messy mind. As things piled into the laundry room, I started to feel chaotic and slobbish. Last week, I finally had time to get that mess OUT!
2. Holden has been eying the hand-me-down Sunday School curriculum that my mom graciously brought us from Faith Community church. But, with all the other areas of Basilica to organize, I never seem to be ready for the kids on Sunday night. Finally, last week, I was able to get all the lessons sorted, make a plan for how to utilize what we were given to teach my little ones (1,3,5 yrs) and Charity (7 yrs). It was really exciting to count backwards from Christmas to do lessons that will lead right into the miraculous birth of our Savior! I told Holden all day Sunday that we would be learning about Joseph - he remembered and drug me out of the service to start his lesson. It is great to have a hungry mind to feed.
   
3. Then, yesterday, Joel and I spent the WHOLE day cleaning out our garage. That place had become the overflow capital of the world. It has 700 s.f., so it can be a huge asset. But it had become HORRIBLY dirty and full of waste. I did it "Clean Sweep" style, pulling everything out into the yard, then only reloading the garage with things that should be out there.
   

• Now my next step of progress with be to tackle the photo bag with all my memories of the past 3 years of Holden and Arabella, and last year of Darin. I am supposed to keep a "Lifebook" for Darin, so he has more in an album than Holden - a point of guilt for me. I don't want to give Holden any reason for "middle kid angst". So, hopefully, I will get organized and start working on a photo album for at least his first year or two.

It makes me feel kinda OCD to worry about all these details so much. But I don't want to end up with a box of memories that I can't look at, a house I am embarassed to entertain in, and a life to cluttered to be useful. Just who I am, I guess.

Thanksgiving

So, Joel ask me to post about thanksgiving along side of him... I don't why I would accept an invitation from someone so eloquent. But here I am.

My life is so abundant, it is hard to begin with what I am thankful for. I find myself in the midst of REAL life - the part of it we all wait for.

1. I am married to my best friend. As I spend more and more time with young, unmarried girls, I am more and more thankful for Joel. As much as he provides companionship, he also provides a security and sense of belonging that we all long for. I can speak confidently into people's lives without having the shadow their judgement causing me to hesitate - my value comes from the Lord, and many times through what the Lord has made Joel feel for me.
2. I have 3 AMAZING babies. Throughout life, I tried to figure out why I had different experiences with people with disabilities. Honestly, I usually concluded that I would be getting a disability eventually. But to my gracious surprise, I am blessed to have Arabella and Darin. I adore them. I love the promise of more and more snuggles to come throughout their life. I love that we will tackle challenges as a unified force. Then there's my wild man, Holden. Man, I love that kid. His mind is so expansive it overwhelms me. He remembers EVERYTHING we say, and he can transfer that information into new situations as needed.
   
3. Family. Truthfully, I always pictured doing work for the Lord in a foreign country. Family-wise, this is equivalent to doing work in a lab - they can't see the task or be a part of it; and any insight they may have would be from afar. My personal solution to leaving them out was to take them with me - what better model of the Church than the family. But even now, I am experiencing the best of both worlds: God is having us do work right in the place where we have family. We are able to experience their support (THANKS - mom, dad, Mimi, Glenn, Marcia, Tim and Nathan) without uprooting all of them. I know God will always provide what we need to do His work, but it is very nice to have those provisions come through our Family.
4. My BasiliGirls. College was the Glory Days of girl-friendships. You have lots of time to invest in friendships, and you are in a place to discover what type of friend you want to be. I never thought I would have a really close group of girlfriends again. In the girls who have come together around Basilica, I have found companionship and challenge.
5. Precepts. I have longed to know the Bible - but truthfully, I did not. I didn't know how get the information into my head in a way I could actually apply it. Precepts Bible Study method is showing me the way. I think that I am beginning to grasp issues in the Bible I have only heard great men of God talk about before.

Lord, thank you for life. It is more abundant than I could have EVERY planned or imagined.

The Lord is Gracious and Compassionate

Today, I woke up wanting to hear a certain song.
Once I started listening (on repeat), my mind went back to one of the first times I listened to this song.
In early March 2001, just a few weeks after Joel and I got married, we went for our 2nd ultrasound of baby Arabella. I think she was gestationally 10-11 weeks old... they had this ultrasound because my first one had (at 7-8 weeks) showed low amniotic fluid. So, during this ultrasound, the Ultrasound Technician said the amniotic fluid looked fine, and she gave us pictures of the developing baby in my womb.
Since Joel and I both had to go to work, we quickly checked out; then the Tech stopped us and said I needed to talk to the doctor before we left. I sent Joel to get the car, and went to see Dr. Joi Findley-Smith.
She came into the room... it's kinda blurry after that, but she said something like, "The baby has a nucle-thickening on it's neck... may indicate a trisomy, which is an extra chromosome... usually not viable with life... Down Syndrome is Trisomy 21... most of the trisomies don't live to be born, or they die soon after birth... you should probably consider terminating... baby might just terminate itself."
At that point, I paged Joel with "911" and fought back tears.
All the doctor did was schedule me for a visit with the perinatologist (pre-birth baby doctor) for a high-risk ultrasound and testing... and she sent us on our way.

I felt shattered. Not because of the trisomy possibility. Because I did not know if the child growing inside of me was dead or alive, and I had NO POWER to affect that.
We drove home, numb zombies.
Then I crawled into bed and wept. I mourned the baby that I had dreamt of my whole life, who may now be dead within me. It was horrible.

And then the healing began.

My beautiful new leader, Joel, came into the room. He pulled me out of bed, carried me into the living room of our little apartment, and put on this song. And while I wept and shook in anguish, he anointed my belly, my forehead, and he prayed for our Arabella.

She is our beautiful altar of grace. He, Yahweh, the most high GOD, is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger, and rich in love. In the midst of our sin, He knit together our angel.

The Basilica in a new location

So, we have been working on planting this church for over a year now. Sometimes it feels good, sometimes exhausting, sometimes completely defeating. Overall, I have grown alot from the challenge of ministering the LOVE of God and the Gospel outside the safe confines of an established ministry.

My favorite part for the past 4 months has been Girl's Night Out which gradually shifted to Girl's Bible Study. I have watched young woman battle the tempation to be click-ish and caddy, to have real relationships that help each other get close to God.

But yesterday topped even that!
Yesterday, we moved from meeting in a sunday school room at another church on Saturday afternoon (terrible timing, awkward location) to a building that houses the Baptist Student Ministry for San Jacinto College Central Campus. The building is not huge, but is very good for our size. And we have put a LOT of work into customizing the space (portably - to be redone each week!) to create an atmosphere of worship that reflects our personal style.

But, that is not the main part that I loved about yesterday:
Yesterday, I saw that the Basilica Community has become a body of Christ. More than a group of consumers coming to "get some teaching", I was able to see different parts functioning where they were gifted.
You see, we had a "planning meeting" last Sunday, and in my dis-organized oversight, I forgot to arrange anyone to help set up this first Sunday. Honestly, sometimes I like to work out details before I present things to a group, but mostly I forgot.
So, when Jessica & I arrived at the BSM an hour late (3pm) and only 2.5 hours before the meal (at 5:30pm), I was SOOOO thankful to be greeted by Jody & Charisa. Then, rolls in the rest of band, Mat. And pops in Andy... followed by Tim, Elisabeth, Dave...

I would never have asked so many people to help. And yet, without each of their hands, we would not have been able to get it all ready.

Thanks, my Basili-babes and dudes!
Love,
Heather

Joy

You can never leave a post titled "Down" as the last post for long...

Since last night, I have experienced a whole lot of love. If you read the comments on the last post, you will see some of it.
Today was my 29th birthday. I have not received so many "happy birthdays" in a long time. Tonight, I had a wonderful dinner with many friends. It is hard to stay blue in the midst of that.
Thank you Lord for community... I see why you designed us to work together; we are healing to each other.

Much love to all of you.

Down...

I'm pretty down right now. And I feel bad about being down.
Honestly, I love each part of my life... being a wife, being a mom, being a churchplanter, being a case manager.
But I can't handle doing them all mediocre. I am falling apart.
The worst part is the lack of options. I don't know of a break from any of them...

Tonight, people were at my house, which normal energizes me, and really it just frustrated me... I need about 48 hours of alone, getting caught up time; then I need 48 hours to re-connect with my husband, who I am being a total jerk to; then I need about a year to figure out the educational strategy for each of my kids and all the special therapies and supplements that will help them develop the best.

The only idea I have is to check out for a month - simply stop participating in life outside my home. I started working on this about a week ago when I felt the darkness closing in. I have asked some of my princesses to take on some of the responsibility of Girl's Night Out which is hard for me to do since I LOVE IT, and I am seeing real relationships develop between the girls.

God, I have to take my hands out of it, and count on You to hold it all together. I can't anymore.

Most pathetic thing is tomorrow is my birthday, and I am so overwhelmed that my birthday dinner feels like a burden. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day...

And Tammi moves to Nairobi on Monday.

Training in godliness (do I actually have to work?)

So, now that I got my garden-bragging out, I can return to the real purpose for this blog - honest spiritual sharing.

I feel like I may be the most bi-polar person in relating to God. How I view Him is frequently grounded in emotion, and not in reality!
I am really beginning to understand the purpose of spiritual discipline or disciplines. "Disciplines" are known historically as activities that people do to draw close to God, such as prayer, meditation, scripture memory, and fasting. And "discipline" is the training to become a disciple, a person who acts like Christ. These activities are not the "list of rules" that makes you righteous. But they are ways to draw close to God when you don't "feel it".

Prayer
One of my favorite authors, Lauren Winner, of Girl meets God talks about the discipline of praying in her book Mudhouse Sabbath. The context is a discussion of using a Book of Common Prayers or praying the Psalms or scripture. I started reading this chapter thinking, "I would never read someone else's prayers... they don't reflect ME!"
But Lauren shared how she uses these tools. She explained that when your heart does not know what to ask God, and when you do not feel like you what to relate to Him, reading Biblical, theologically sound words to God can change YOU! and ensure you are relating to Him in an honoring way.

I need some structure in my relationship with God right now. At the beginning of Lent, I started running 2-3 times a week as a time for prayer. This was great for my body, and offered me a consistent time alone with God away from distractions. Then, May came, we became alot busier with the start of Basilica, it got HOT, and I haven't run in weeks. Of course, my prayers did not cease, but they shifted to a disorganized, segmented mess, with alot less intercession, and alot less scripture - they have been reduced to mostly giving God an update on where I stand at this point.

Joel referred to John Piper's statement on prayer in one of his sermons. My summary: we use prayer too often as a request for "room service" to "come fluff our pillows" instead of as a "walky-talky" to "the commander" asking for reinforcements or new orders or status of the battle.
I need to hear from my Commander. I need to take the time to listen.

Study
The thing I am the most thankful for keeping me in contact with God right now is Precepts. In early spring, Kelly and I participated in a Precepts bible study at HFBC on Leviticus. Now we are in the midst of II Kings.

Honestly, although I definitely believe every word in the Bible, every story, every book, was ordained by God to reflect Him, I never really got Leviticus. Actually, too much of my time as a Christian (going on 9 years) has been spent celebrating my freedom from the Law. For, "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.", right?

The study of Leviticus, beginning with the sacrifices in chapters 1-7, has reshaped my view of God. I never really understood the character of God enough to appreciate the blood sacrifice of Christ. I never really believed that God required RIGHTEOUSNESS.

This study has awaken a hunger in me to consume the Old Testament. It is amazing to see the choices of the Isrealites, to form an opinion of them, then realize I am doing the same thing they did. Today, as I read Exodus 16, where God begins His daily provision of manna for the Isrealites, several things stood out to me:

• God responded to their complaining lovingly with food, even though He could have easily pointed back to the parting of the Red Sea and been angry that they so quickly forgot that He saved them with an amazing miracle.
• God's provision was precise. It says that they were told to gather a certain amount per member of their house, and those who gathered too little had the right amount as did those who gathered more.

But here is the most convicting part - this miracle was with them THROUGHOUT their time in the wilderness. So, when they built a Golden Calf as an idol, they had just woken up and eaten of the provision of God... then they decided He didn't deserve their worship, and tried to replace Him.

Man, I feel that. I can't deny that God is the provider for our family. The economics of our life are unique and amazing. But then I turn to away from God and complain.

Discipline
So, if you have read this far, maybe you are ready for a discussion. Here is my question:

What is right attitude or approach to take toward training as a disciple of Christ?

Here are beginning thoughts for the conversation...

• I Tim 4:7-8 "Rather, train yourself in godliness, for the training of the body has a limited benefit, but godliness is beneficial in every way, since it holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come." - and Joel's sermon touching on this topic.
  
• During my junior high/Disciple Now years, the idea of a "quiet time" was pushed. But for a list-maker like me, it is easy to put this on my list of things to do, check it off, but not actually interact with God. Having a structured list for pursuing God feels like I am trying to make myself righteous through the Law (ie: I did this, I did that, I am so great)
• But on the opposite extreme, I have been a part of a busy generation of young adults who bask in freedom - freedom to decorate our bodies, freedom to worship at different times of day, freedom to worship through art. We don't have any certain standard for pursuing God, so it is hard to know how to encourage our sisters/brothers in their pursuit. We don't assume that they are the bible study type, or the scripture memory type, or that they are the journaling type.
• So, how do we "train in godliness" without legalism (ie "You must...") but with accountability and encouragement?
  

Growing stuff

This April, I had the impulsive idea that Holden and I should plant a garden. It sounded like a fun idea. Actually, Tammi started my thinking about it when she casually dropped off a book called Square-foot Gardening. I tried to figure out why she would think that I had time to, or interest in gardening. But as this urge came to me, I was excited to have a place to begin.
The technique in the book focused on planting a 4' x 4' square with a certain ratio of each plant filling up a 1' x 1' section. I decided to do it along my fence (which is iron covered with a wire mesh) so that I could have a big climbing area.

Now, this turned out to be a much bigger, expensive project than the book said it would be.
1. First, they didn't have our soil. The location I picked used to be a gravel driveway, so I had to till up the soil and sort out lots of rocks.
2. Then I had to buy a ton of manure, potting soil, and other health soil stuff to give the plants a fighting chance in our gumbo soil.
3. Then I had to build a frame to define thearea that is the garden.

But after all the prep was done, Holden was very excited. We took turns putting the seeds in the holes, and we watered like crazy every day.

And stuff actually GREW!
Specifically, we planted:

• Tomatoes
• String beans
• Cucumbers
• Watermelon
• Green peppers
• Squash
• Rosemary
• Spinach
  

This is all really written to show our crowning achievement - the melon!

Tears

Moments after my last post, I experience a great sense of loss... first, I was referred to a blog through my good friend Kevin - the blog of a mom who has suffered the loss of a child. And as I was reading her amazingly-vulnerable post about the grieving of this loss, I received a phone call. Here is the story of the phone call:
About a month ago, I went to the home of one of my participant's for my work. I visit each of them Quarterly, but I didn't really need to do this visit, because this young man was leaving my program at the end of the month. So, there wasn't really any point in the visit, except to have the paperwork in my file showing that I did my job.

I have only been to this home once before, in January with my boss, who was the previous Case Manager. I didn't know anything about the family outside of the stories told by pictures on the wall.

On this particular day in April, I arrived after school was out, so I could meet the son (my participant). And as I arrived, his older sister was getting ready to leave the house, moving between the kitchen and the living room. I had seen her in the pictures on the prior visit, but had not met her... and I wasn't sure of her age.
But looking at the pictures on the wall, I thought she was in high school or early college. And I noticed she was pregnant.
I made small talk, asking some silly question I can't recall. And mom said, "Yeah, she looks a little different than in that picture, since she is very pregnant." I said, "I noticed that. How far along?" since it seemed like an obvious observations. But the next part of the conversation was amazing.
Mom replied, "She is 36 weeks. And she is giving the baby up for adoption."

Immediately, I realized that they had just shared some sacred information with me. They looked anxious to see a reaction.

I asked, "What agency will you be using?"
And what they shared touched my heart. Through the youth minister at their church, they had found New Life, our adoption agency. The daughter left for her doctor's appointment, and mom shared the journey to this point in life. It is too private to fully reveal here, but I will share the ending. Mom said, "We got to meet the to-be adoptive parents yesterday. Here is their profile." And she showed me pictures of 2 people I know from a previous job, a beautiful Christian couple I had known to be shattered by infertility, and trusting God to bring them a child through adoption. I was so excited.

I went home and emailed the potential adoptive mom, my former co-worker. I shared our adoption stories, the adventure of loving and losing Brooklyn, and the beautiful relationship development with Darin's mom. And we emailed a few times that day.

Jump forward to today:
So my (former) participant's mom just called to share the rest of the story with me. First of all, I feel blessed to receive that phone call. Second, here is the beauty:

On last Friday, May 12, at full-term, the birthmom decided she wanted to be induced to deliver the baby. Her totally unselfish goal in this date was to hand over the new baby after the mandatory 48-hour waiting period on Sunday = MOTHER's DAY.
In the midst of making the hardest decision of her life, this beautiful girl THOUGHT OF SOMEONE ELSE! It is amazing. I can't imagine that clarity, that love.

Please pray for her now, as she cries to sleep for the past two nights, with arms that long for a baby she has given as a gift to my friends. Pray for her as she graduates, and goes to college, with a secret loss that she is too ashamed to share with those around her.
The gift of your child is the biggest sacrifice you could give someone. God gave his for me.

I have so much to talk about, I don't know how to begin...

the Basilica Community

In case you didn't realize, Basilica started having a service 2 weeks ago... since some of our members love MySpace, they created a page and we are taking turns blogging about the service each week.

Reflections from 2 weeks of churchplanting

After months of planning, strategizing, praying, hoping, dreaming, guessing, we finally had a service on May 6. After this service was over, I realized one major thing:

We have to do this all over again next week.

There are many levels to this realization, but on the most raw level, I realized that the tiredness I felt, and pressure to get it all together for Saturday, would be repeated NEXT Saturday.

But actually, throughout the week after that first service, I realized that most of the work was done for another week, and Joel and Jessica would be doing most of the preparation for each week's services by preparing the music and the message.

Then my mind began to grasp what the main task would be for all of us now that a service had been successfully executed:

People. Loving people, demonstrating Christ to people, being the Church to people, spending time with people.

You see, there are HUNDREDS of "churches" for people to attend services at each weekend. And although the music may differ, and the time of day may be different, all church services contain similar elements - music to worship the Lord, prayer to communicate with Him, and a message challenging the people to live by faith in God.
And most of us think of this as "being a part of church".

But, when Joel received the call to plan a new church in Southeast Houston, we began to pray and observe the people God is calling us to reach out to... and these people are not becoming a part of the Body of Christ through a service.

How is Basilica going to reach people?
- NOT by simply inviting them to a service and expecting them to come on their own - they've been there, done that, and it didn't make a difference in their life. They were still on their own, but now they had people putting expectations on them.

I feel very strongly that Basilica will only be able to reach people the way Jesus did
- by going to where they are
- by spending time with them
- by demonstrating a new life in His Kingdom through a different way of living and everyday examples

This is intense, time-consuming stuff.... very exciting!

Where do we begin, though - in a practical way?

Making time for people more than ever... seeking them out, pursuing them, spending time talking about what is important to them, loving the, serving them, in ways that are above and beyond what most people do

Oh, wow, that's the same stuff you should be doing... I guess we are all missionaries.

Spiritual warfare

My opinions/beliefs on spiritual warfare began to develop in the summer of 1999. At Camp Barnabas, we had some events that I can't recall very clearly, except to say that they shook up some people, and made them afraid, and disjointed our staff. These events related to the presence of demons, the devil, or workers of Satan, in our midst. And how to handle this as a Christian.

After that summer, until I returned as Women's Director in summer 2000, I worked steadily to create a framework of God to determine how to handle spiritual warfare. This framework was developed into a bible study that we explored during summer 2000 at Camp Barnabas. And I haven't done much with it since. But it helps me to determine how to view situations.

Today, I found this quote that sums up what I spent a year on:

"Prayer should never be understood primarily in terms of power but rather as relating to God who is the source of all power. The difference between the two is significant. If prayer is understood as power, Christians will readily seek power words or rituals rather than personally relating to a sovereign God and waiting for him to act in his own time. Likewise, these understandings help us comprehend the nature of spiritual warfare. Spiritual warfare is not about fighting Satan; he has been defeated by the triumphal resurrection of Jesus Christ. Spiritual warfare rather is standing firm in Christ’s mighty power. It is accepting God’s victory through Christ by faith and allowing God’s redemptive power to work through Christ." (Van Rheenen, "Power, Theology of," Evangelical Dictionary of World Missions, 2000:776-778)

It has never made sense to me to "rebuke Satan" for it is written:

"But even the archangel Michael, when he was disputing with the devil about the body of Moses, did not dare to bring a slanderous accusation against him, but said, "The Lord rebuke you!" Yet these men speak abusively against whatever they do not understand; and what things they do understand by instinct, like unreasoning animals—these are the very things that destroy them." (Jude 9-10)

I have a picture in my head, that I look at to help me figure out how things work:

• The battlefield is earth, a land ruled by Satan.
• The army of Satan is holding people under their dominion as blind slaves.
  

  2 Cor4:4 "Regarding them: the god of this age has blinded the minds of the unbelievers so they cannot see the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God.

• We are freed from this slavery, and our eyes are opened to the situation

  Col 1:13 "He has rescued us from the domain of darkness and transferred us into the kingdom of the Son He loves"

• Now, when we need direction, we COMMUNICATE, not with our captors, but with HIM WHO HAS FREED US, the commander of the Lord's army.
  

Growth

I would like to get back to why I wanted this blog, to honestly share what I am learning, and hear from my friends...

For about 2 months, I have been forced to view God in a whole new light. Starting with the Kaleo retreat focused on PRAYER, I began to realize for the first time what an amazing thing it is that God, who created all, is in all, and holds all things in His hand, will allow me to communicate with Him.
Then, I started a Bible study with Kelly B. on Leviticus, which has continued to illuminate this for me.

I am realizing that most of my walk with God (going on 9 years now), has been with shallow faith. I pray safe and predictable prayers that I am fairly certain I know the answer to before speaking them. And I reflect God to others in a dishonoring way.
Most of the time, I "respect" other's readiness to hear about God, feel like I have be intellectually prepared for sharing Him, and tiptoe around sin as if it is not that bad.

THIS IS WRONG.

In looking at the sacrificial system set up by God in Leviticus, I don't see a God who lets people come to Him on their terms. His system was precise, and intentional, and did not leave itself up for interpretation. In fact, in Lev 10, Aaron's sons offered "strange fire" to God, and were killed instantly. Then, in I Sam 2:11-3:11, Eli's sons defile the temple, are killed, and the priesthood is removed from their family. In I Sam 14:26, Saul's kingship is removed since he performed the sacrifices in a different way than God prescribed.

My relationship with God is often guided by a picture in my head. I often pray, picturing where in the battle of the Lord I see someone.

Here is the newest picture.

God as KING. And like the king in Esther, anyone who enters His presence is placing their life in His hands.
Us as SERVANTS/SLAVES, someone whose life has been rescued from the enemy land. I converse with Him by using the name of His son to gain entrance into the throne-room without being judged for my own work for the enemy.
Life as WORK FOR THE LORD.... follow me here.
- If I work for Him, I worry the most if He is satisfied by how my day is spent.
- If I work for Him, I hold the others I have seen come into His presence in the name of the Lord to a high standard.
- Their sin is offensive to the God I serve... it is not a joke, a phase. It is deadly. A holy God must be approach with respect for WHO He is.
- If I work for Him, I will trust Him for the words in an uncomfortable setting, because my rescue is a constant reminder that they need to be rescued, too.

Maybe you got this along time ago... not me. I think I was more keen on "Jesus is a good boyfriend" than GOD IS ALMIGHTY, ALL-POWERFUL, COMPLETELY JUST IN JUDGING MY SIN, COMPLETELY LOVE IN SENDING JESUS, FULLY WORTHY OF ALL HONOR AND PRAISE.

I barely know where to begin with this type of living. It has already put me in 2 uncomfortable situations, and I don't think that is the end.

Thanks for getting this started, Jake.

My "pregnancy" with Darin

Praise the LORD!
Today was a beautiful God-filled day.

The title may confuse you, but this week, I have know of and/or been with Darin Michael for 40 weeks (which for those of you who haven't been pregnant, is the length of a pregnancy).
And this week, the labor pains of his birth into our family began...
Labor with adoption is unique... first they have to go to court to terminate the rights of the biological parents, then they have to finalize the adoption into your family.

On Wednesday at 2:30pm, our social worker from the adoption agency called. For nine months, they had been unable to contact his biological father. And now, after being served the papers for termination of parental rights, he had contacted his "ad liem" lawyer, to question the paternity.
The lawyer contact New Life, and inquired about Darin. After our social worker emphasized the medical needs of Darin, the lawyer called back to let her know that his dad would come to court on Friday (TODAY) to sign away his rights.

The past 2 days have been very hard for Joel and I. We had know way to know the motivations or ideas behind his dad coming to court. And we felt like we were forced to walk into a potential miscarriage.

I prayed so much through Thursday... that God would confirm the placement of Darin in our life, that I would respond in a God honoring way to all possible outcomes, that my husband would not do anything illegal (like leave the country with Darin) JUST JOKING!, and that Darin would have the best situation to grow up in possible.

At 8:30am, Joel, Darin, and I went to the Fort Bend County Courthouse. We found our way to the 2nd floor, where we met the New Life lawyer. He examined the docket, and we all headed down to the 1st floor. Right away, I spotted a man fitting the description that Lonnie (Darin's tummy mama) had given me of Zeke. I told the lawyer, and he approached him. After a brief exchange, the lawyer introduced us.
Immediately, there was peace.
After a hug (from me) and a handshake (from Joel), we sat down, where Zeke proceeded to express his confidence in signing the baby over to our care. We spent the next 30 minutes getting acquainted. About that time, the social worker from New Life finally found us (she had been waiting on the 2nd floor) and was SHOCKED to see the connection that had been made. Darin was sitting in Zeke's lap, and we were all just talking.
After that, the lawyers milled around and completed the paperwork with Zeke, and we discussed the future.

God's provision is perfect. Now we know that Darin has 3 dads - the One in Heaven, the one at my house, and the one we met today.
Who's luckier than that!?

Bloglines

If you are a blog-reader, and haven't yet discovered Bloglines, this will make your life easier. Thanks for enlightening me, Bill.

The Ringer

If you haven't seen The Ringer you are missing out. It is going to be the movie I show Arabella and Darin so that they know they can be anyone and acheive anything they dream up. I laughed my head off!

PostSecret

Does anyone else check out PostSecret? I really like this postcard:

God's design and pregnancy

The last post made me think about another thing that shows God's amazing design - pregnancy. Now, it is obvious that God is designing the formation of the baby. But what I was able to appreciate during both of my pregnancies was God's design in the TIMING! God could have had a baby grow and develop at any rate he wanted - a day or 2 years (yikes!)... but as we know, these times do exist in other creatures.
So, I want to focus on 9 months...
In these 9 months, you can see that God know his creation (us) completely.
In the first 3 months, you are able to adjust to the idea of having a baby, without really needing to "do" anything... maybe just stop doing things (caffeine, smoking, rock-climbing, etc.)
In the next 3 months, fears of how you can afford a baby, how you will learn to raise a child, etc. can be strong, and if the baby was born in this time, you would probably feel unprepared (as when a premie is born)
But the last 3 months are the perfect final. The 6 months prior have given you sufficient time to explore your fears, plan the best you can, then get over being in control, and just get EXCITED! By the end of 9 months, you are NOT hoping for another day to prepare. You are as ready as you will ever be, and you are completely in LOVE with the baby inside of you.
Thanks, God, for knowing what we need.

I was really able to appreciate this with Darin, who we found out about end of May, born 3 weeks later (early June), and we brought home on July 5th. All the emotions and preparations did not arrive until he was 3 months old... adoption has a process of it's own.

Sex and the Supremacy of God

On Joel's birthday, we ended up at Barnes & Noble (like we do on EVERY date), but this time we were lucky enough to have Tim with us. I settled into a comfy chair to read, while the boys wandered. Unfortunately, they didn't have a copy of my most recent book, Mudhouse Sabbath, by my favorite Lauren Winner. So I picked up two others... Traveling Mercies, by Anne Lamonte, since by best girl Amy (Heath) Rounsavell has been recommending it for 3 years, and Sex and the Supremacy of God, by my favorite pastor in another city John Piper. And as is common on these reading-dates, I read a good chunk of each book... Traveling Mercies is still up for grabs - I don't know if I like it or not, but will finish it to find out.

But Sex and the Supremacy of God was truly enlightening. Honestly, I only made it through about 2 chapters, before I felt like I needed to step back and just ponder these thoughts. This is my common practice with Piper's books... just take sips, like a strong liquor.
Back to the book...
The main theme in Piper's books with titles including "the Supremacy of God" is that all things in earth and heaven exist to GLORIFY GOD. He is above all and all things are FOR HIM!
The fascinating part is how this is related to sex.

Sexuality is designed by God as a way to know God in Christ more fully...
Knowing God in Christ more fully is designed as a way of guarding and guiding our sexuality...
Now to state the two points again, this time negatively, in the first place all misuses of our sexuality distort the true knowledge of Christ. And, in the second place, all misuses of our sexuality derive from not having the true knowledge of Christ.
In other words, the ultimate reason (not the only one) why we are sexual is to make God more deeply knowable. The language and imagery of sexuality is the most graphic and most powerful that the Bible uses to describe the relationship between God and his people—both positively (when we are faithful) and negatively (when we are not).

This is very amazing to think about. I am always excited when I begin to understand more about how complicated we were created. And with the perversion of sex, it is easy for me to wonder about why God created it at all. So this was enlightening for me.

I have tried to sit down to post 2-3 blogs lately, but motherhood has not permitted... but here's what is left in my brain of them.

Message on Matt 18:15-20 - 1/15/06
Well, yesterdays message at Kaleo pretty much stuck it to me.
The message itself (definitely worth downloading and listening to) was about discipline within the church. And we cross-referenced Deuteronomy 19:15-19, which is the old testament law about having the testimony of 2-3 brothers to convict someone of an offense. I'm not going to go into this whole thing because Bill did a SUPERB job. Just listen to it. It helped me understand where this has gone wrong before.

Okay, but on my conviction... it wasn't really related to the topic. At this point, there is no one I feel like I need to confront for any sin I am witnessing in their life. But one thing Bill said really got me. He was talking about the sins that we might witness in others... not just the obvious ones, but even the sin of unbelief.
And that is where he got me. I realized that was the sin I was wallowing in for the past 3 weeks. I have had a whole bunch of uncontrollable situations going on. And they have been driving me to tears daily. And I have been cussing about them. And most of all, I have been DOUBTING that God was going to be in control of them.
It was actually a relief to figure it out. And be able to repent of it and start over in faith.

But it also gave me a different perspective of church discipline. The Matt 18:15-20 text is talking about confronting a brother in private over a sin, then following the appropriate steps if they do not respond. And one of Bill's central points was that we have to TALK to the person (not email them, write them, etc.). And when you imagine confronting someone, that doesn't sound fun.
But sitting in that seat and feeling so convicted made me realize I WANTED SOMEONE TO TELL IT TO ME STRAIGHT. All week last week, I was trying to make clear to someone that I was screwing it up and I needed help pinpointing the problem. What would have felt like confrontation or hard talk to them WOULD HAVE BEEN A RELIEF TO ME.

I think that should be a comfort. When the Holy Spirit is guiding us, we should not hesitate in fear of how the prompting from Him will be received. He is preparing BOTH sides for his intervention.
And this can really carry over to sharing the Lord with an unbeliever. When we don't feel like we know all the "right" arguments for Christianity, we may hesitate. But the Holy Spirit will prompt us with just the information that person needs, and build our reliance on Him instead of ourself or our knowledge.

Ling xiu

From Voices of the Faithful compiled by Kim P. Davis

Most workers from our organization must learn a foreign language. For me, it's Mandarin Chinese. While studying, I was intrigued by the phrase ling xiu (leeng SHE-oo), which refers to a Christian's daily devotional time.
Although this was new vocabulary, I already had learned both of the characters in different contexts. Ling means "spirit" or "soul." Xiu means "to repair." I had learned xiu I with the washing-machine repairman who was coming weekly to keep our ancient model running!
In my notes, I wrote "devotional= spirit repair." What a fitting way to describe our devotional time: repairing the soul by reading God's word and communing with Him. Like that dilapidated washing machine, my spirit needs the ultimate Repairman. Although I complained about the washer, it was stronger than my own inner man. It needed weekly repair, while I need it daily.
At one point, the repairman explained that the washer was used too often. I laughed inwardly at his solution - if I could just stop dirty laundry from accumulating, all would be well! What a parallel to how the stresses of life wear away our spiritual vitality just like the never-ending laundry wears out the washer's parts.
We can't stop the stresses of life any more than my family can stop producing dirty clothes. So I keep calling the Repairman to patch up my soul. Our daily "spirit repair" time is what keeps me sharing the gospel even with slow results and using my poor Mandarin when I look foolish. It provides compassion for my city so I can fulfill God's call in my life.

I'm a word-picture person and it is always helpful to have one more picture to drive me to the Lord.
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I want to share with my blog friends about some people close to my heart and the life changes that are taking place. Michael and Tammi Rice have been close friends of Joel and I for around 4 years now. Actually, our beginnings are pretty awkward and funny.
When Joel and I started hanging out in August 2000, Joel had been a Christian about 3 months. Slightly before him, his friend Brian, also a former atheist, had also become a Christian, through the birth of Brian's son. Anyway, they had started having informal bible studies at Brian's apartment, and Joel invited me to come along. He explained in advance that I would probably be asked to read aloud from the Bible, since they were all so new at this and not comfortable yet. Also, when they prayed, it was silently, since no one was comfortable praying aloud either. All this was funny to me, since I had grown up in church and bible studies, and it had never dawned on me that it was odd to pray aloud.
So, I attended this Bible study twice with Joel. This first week was pretty "normal" compared to my other Bible Study experience. We read through some scripture, discussed it, and bowed our heads to silently pray. The second week things got weird. Basically, some people were invited to "come hang out" without really knowing about the Bible Study part. Mike and Tammi were at this Bible Study... I think they might have know about the bible part, but some of our other friends definitely did not. This was also something that I had not concept of - I had never been somewhere when people came to a bible study unaware. In fact, it wasn't until after the fact that I caught on to this. Anyway, alot of awkward debate ensued, and people were offended, and Mike and Tammi were somewhere in the middle of all the friends, Christian and not. And since I was just meeting these people, and thinking "why did you come to a Bible study if you don't believe in God?", I didn't really connect with Mike or Tammi.
My second encounter with Mike was worse than the first. It was in Spring 2001 when I was pregnant with Arabella, working full-time at Star of Hope (including 2 nights until 10:30pm), and VERY MOODY. I came home to Joel & I's apartment around 11pm one night. He was hanging out with someone I didn't know well (Mike) and I was tired. So I walked straight to my bedroom, got ready for bed, and called for Joel from there. I said something bitchy about the guest leaving, and went to sleep. (and we wonder while Joel was so in favor of adoption/never being pregnant again!)
But the third encounter with Mike & Tammi was totally different. We ran into them at a show at Mary Jane's in Fall 2001, when Arabella was a few months old. It was one of my first nights out without the baby, and I actually didn't leave her very far. My Mimi lives off the same street as MJ's, so I just dropped her there between feedings, then went back in time to feed her. Tammi and I started talking as soon as we got to the show, then she left to go with me to Mimi's and bring the baby back, then she sat outside with me and Arabella while the men finished the show. Tammi was so easy to get to know that I wondered how I had missed out on her the year before.
At that time, they started coming to Ecclesia with us, and quickly became involved in the same small group we were in. Our lives became very intertwined. They epitimize community living by their entire attitudes. I remember that first year as a beautiful mixture of resources - money, time, friendship. With Mike & Tammi, there is never an awkward discussion of balancing who paid for this dinner with who will pay next time. They are NOT worried about being even = they are always willing to be ahead. They are "givers." Hopefully, in the long run, we haven't just been "takers," but I know that Mike & Tammi don't keep track.
When they started going to Ecclesia, Mike was still figuring out where he stood with Jesus. I think this is often harder for people raised in the church. It is hard to make it your own and not just feel like you are defaulting to your parents' choice. But eventually, Mike was baptized at Ecclesia. That is a pretty funny story. The baptistry at South Main (where Ecclesia had church) was either not filled up, or not heated up, or both. So, we headed outside the fountain in front of the church. By the way, it was COLD. Also, Mike is 6'+ and the fountain was about 1' deep, so this was a humbling challenge, but very neat.
Anyway...
From the start, Tammi has been talking about going to Africa. Back in 2002, she talked Peace-Corp, cuz she and Mike are very interested in social reform and helping in a tangible way. She also has been talking about adopting children and/or being houseparents to orphans.
Last year, they started looking for a mission organization to go to Africa with. And they went to a meeting at Mike's parent's church about a trip to Kenya, Gateway, where they experience some frustration that I remember from my college years - people don't take your seriously. When you want to be a life-time missionary, it is hard to convince people that this is your dream for forever. I remember Tammi saying, "We told them we could bring tents and sleeping bags, if we could just come." But of course, the process is alot more complicated then that.
But Tammi stayed on the email list for this ministry in Kenya, and she continued to fall in love with it. The ministry is actually called Starfish Kenya. To sum up the ministry, basically, a Kenyan couple has adopted 31 orphans and needs lots of help. Tammi & Mike started planning to go on Gateway's annual trip this summer.
Then, over Thanksgiving, the Kenyan father, Naftali, suddenly passed away. This has left Margaret, the mother, alone to care for all the children. As soon as Tammi told me about Naftali's death, I knew that it was time for them to go. Everything in their lives has been leading to this - being about to help Margaret raise these orphans.
So, they are preparing to go to Kenya in September, after graduating in May from University of Houston, and then attending Montessori training over the summer.
Please pray for them. They must raise about $20,000 this year. They have to finish school and keep working their full-time jobs.
Please pray for Margaret. 9-months doesn't seem long for Mike & Tammi to prepare; it seems like a long time for Margaret to be on her own.