Thursday was a weird day. First, I finally resolved to be content with my current job situation. This does not mean I am not pursuing school. It does mean that I am not going to apply for the other positions within my company, or pursue the interview I have set up with ECI. I decided to take on my job with a renewed vigor. I started 2 new projects to help me enjoy my job at the Star of Hope.

Then, after deciding all this, and having a good day, I recieved a call. The lady on the other end said, "Hi. I'm with Vita Living. We received your resume and we would like to schedule an interview for the case manager position with you."

Now, I don't recall hearing of Vita Living before that moment. And I definitely don't think I sent them a resume. So I said, "Do you know where you received by resume from?"
Of course, she sounded puzzled and said, "No."
I decided to schedule an interview with her, mostly out of curiousity. I wrote down the address and drove home.

Then I immediately got on line to find out what Vita Living was. Honestly, I figured it was a vitamin company who would want me to interview to work for them as a sales person. Lots of companies pick up resumes on CareerBuilder and Monster, just offer non-salary sales jobs - NO THANKS!

But what I found is interesting and somewhat amazing. VitaLiving is "a 501 (c)(3) nonprofit agency that provides long term comprehensive care and support services for adults and children who have developmental disabilities such as mental retardation and cerebral palsy. VitaLiving is recognized as a leading proponent of integrated community living and an expert in the care of individuals with complex disabilities and behavioral challenges."
If you know me at all, you can read this and see that it involves several things that are important to me - community living, resource support, and people with disabilities.

Now I am just curious how they found me. May be it is "divinely coordinated employment". Who knows... I guess I will just have to wait until next Wednesday to find out...

Excitement is building...

Returning to regular prayer, I am quickly becoming more and more excited about the beginning of planting the church. I know God will use this for his purposes. We are finally going to begin meeting this month, hopefully, and getting our team in motion!
YEAH!

My husband

Joel and I didn't sleep in the same building for the entire time Darin was hospitalized. And most of our interaction was as he got out of the car in the morning to go sit with Darin, and I got into the car to go to work.
Yet our love is growing daily. When I got in the car yesterday, on the dash was a envelope that said, "I found this in my journal from a long time ago. I mean it even more than I did almost 5 years ago."

Inside, a handwritten copy of our wedding vows.

Praise to the Lord, the Almighty, the King of Creation!

I don't know if you remember, but about a month ago, I was in a bad spot. Depressed. Confused.

And just a day before Darin went into the hospital, God provided some perspective. Then He enforced that perspective. Darin needed to make an impact on our family equal to that made by Arabella and Holden. After 36 days in the hospital, he has reshaped our life to fit with him.

This time was full of purpose. Honestly, I needed God to force me to sit still. Our life went so quick from spring through summer, that I came into fall spinning. I did not know what God wanted for me, for our family, and I couldn't figure out where to begin regrouping. The chaos and disorganization in my house, the overbooked schedule, our family in a rut...

The funny part is that I could not even figure out how to schedule a night to regroup.

But, when Darin went into the hospital, the schedule was easily cleared. The mess in the house suddenly seemed less overwhelming, and in fact, now that I am home, doesn't seem very disorganized at all. And you know the story of the schedule - cleared with Joel withdrawn from school. And our family rut has been completely smoothed away to be recreated new and different.

Leaving the hospital yesterday was beautiful. Like a new beginning. Darin is just the size of average newborns now (well, maybe a little above average = 10 lbs, but you get the point) and he has now had a chance to reshape our life like his birth would have if we had know about his arrival for 9 months. The air was crisp and cool, burdenless.

So, as I came to work on time today, I contemplated, "How do I want to begin again?"

• Hearing from God. That sounds nice, huh? But I haven't been doing well at that, especially in August and the time immediately preceding the hospital. I couldn't force myself to read the Bible and pray. I felt distracted. And when I did pray, I was whiny.
• Today, I feel thankful. Thankful for God's ability to see the beginning and the end. That God kept preparing Joel, even when I lost focus and direction. Thankful that He lets me come right back to talk, undeserving but loved.
• Prioritizing better. Honestly, I was bitter about having to re-prioritize this summer. I felt the lost of my ministry at Kaleo. I felt unclear about my role as a mom to a newborn while still working.
• Today, I am asking God to show me how to return to my home as a better support for Joel. I want to create new patterns in our home that edify and unify our family.
• Content. This is the hardest one. I am still having trouble figuring out a long short-term plan related to working. I don't know if I can find a way to do my current job that is fulfilling. I don't know if I should pursue change. I don't know if I should begin working toward a graduate degree or nursing. All of these things are confusing and frustrating.
1. If I start graduate school for Instructional Technology, I have to picture myself changing careers in 3 years to use it, to justify the cost of graduate school. I don't know if I want to enter this field just as we are getting more deep into the Basilica Community, since I anticipate wanting to work less and spend more time working with Joel on this if financially possible.
2. If I start working on prerequisites for Nursing School, I still have to picture a career change, but it is one that I can see how I can use on the mission field or anywhere. This one sounds better to me, BUT this option also involves figuring out how to go to a whole year of nursing school without working. There is no point in doing the prerequisites if I can't afford to take the year off for the school between May 2007 - August 2008.
3. If I look for a new job, I may find one that is more personally fulfilling and challenging, but I may have to sacrifice my great schedule, and the chance to have another week of vacation next year.
4. If I stay here, I need to find a way to do this job that doesn't frustrate me. Right now, I do a job that has NO defined tasks or roles, and it is shared by 3 people. I constantly feel like we are frustrating each other by doing the same job in different ways. I really need to be able to determine what I need to do and look back and know I completed the job.

Sometimes, it is very hard to wait for next year and the church-plant. It is hard to wait on going to Russia. I want to do what will support our family the most without setting us back more. Every choice has a financial and a time cost. Even having children - they are the easy choice, because time invested in them is fulfilling. It is choices about spending money on school to make more money to pay off debt that are not as easy. I don't want to invest 3 years in school, then arrive at the 3rd year, and figure out if I had saved that money, we would be ready to go to Russia.

Stop. Trust in the Lord.

That is the new beginning.

"Beyond the Gates of Splendor"

Last night, I was able to watch a movie I have been trying to see for awhile, all while snuggling my Darin. It was a good night.
This movie is a documentary from falling in love to entering the mission field of 5 families. 5 families who lived out 100% the values I claim. Growing up, I read books about these men... The Savage, My Kinsman, and another I can't recall the name.
But this movie completed the beautiful picture. The beginning of the famous story is 5 men who are killed in the attempt to initiate meaningful contact with Amazon "savages". The end is the grandson of Nate Saint, one of the 5, bringing his adopted "savage" grandpa, one of the men who speared his father to death, to his college graduation.

Here am I. Lord, send me.

I realized after watching this movie, that I have been buying into the fear of some people around me. They ask questions about medical care for Darin and Arabella on the mission field that I don't know the answer to. And I wonder if I can really take them.
Satan would win if I listen. Not the war, just the battle.
I don't want to miss out on fighting for the Lord.

Bottom-line:

• This is a battle ground.
• This life is not about health or wealth.
• There are not promises of growing old with our children around us.

I think that those visions are presented to us by the Enemy of God, to make us think that this is our final destination. THIS IS NOT A FINAL DESTINATION FOR ANYONE.
If I chose not to fight, ifI count the cost, and it is too scary for me to attempt, then I don't believe a word God has said. Because I cannot claim to trust him to keep me safe for His purposes as I drive home on I-45, but decide NOT to trust him to keep us safe for His purposes ANYWHERE.

This is a battle. And some will leave this earth so others will understand. But they will go to the permanent destination and they will have joy in God's presence. And for their leaving, glory will be given to God and others will understand.

THAT IS WHAT THIS LIFE IS ABOUT!

Psalm 127

Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labor in vain.
Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchmen stand guard in
vain.
In vain you rise early and stay up late, toiling for food to eat -
for he grants sleep to those he loves.
Sons are a heritage from the Lord, children a reward from him.
Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one's
youth.
Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them.
They will not be put to shame when they contend with their enemies
in the gate.

Camp Barnabas

One of the experience that has had the greatest impact on my life was working at Camp Barnabas, in Purdy, Missouri. It is a Christian camp for people with disabilities. It is the most beautiful place in the world.
It was at Barnabas that I realized that my body was not something to focus on, or stress about. As I carried friends from their wheelchairs, into the swimming pool, I realized that my body did exactly what I needed it to, whether I liked my patches of cellulite or not.
It was at Barnabas that I realized you can see what a man of God looks like through how he cares for a child. How he wipes a booty. It's no surprise some of the most wonderful men I have know worked at Barnabas with me.
It was at Barnabas that I went through the most difficult summer of my life, struggling to lead the women counselors as I felt tired and frustrated.

This past week, Extreme Makeover Home Edition was at Camp Barnabas. Most episodes of this show have alot of building, alot of design, mostly showing the process of the remodeling. This episode barely even walked through the 3 buildings built by Ty and his crew. The cameras were captivated by the campers. They really found the essence of Camp Barnabas - the beautiful children who make it special.

Arabella, Holden and Darin will all go to Camp Barnabas when they are 6 years old. Camp Barnabas is alot like the Rise School in that they have the siblings of the children with disabilities come as well. I love this. I never want to seperate Holden from Arabella and Darin, sending them off to seperate experience. Arabella is half-way there - only 3 more years! When she goes, I will have to volunteer so I stick around and see her win the hearts of people walking in my old shoes. Many, I miss that place.

If you are a blog tourist, than check out some of the most beautiful people I have ever met, those I worked with at Barnabas:
Chelsea and Jesse, married this summer
Kevin and Latonya, married last spring
Elisabeth
Sean
Jeremy

I am going through some up's and down's emotionally right now. I am up personally/spiritually. I feel okay about what I am able to do, and my relationship with God. But I feel REALLY down about being in the hospital with Darin. It is hard to be away from the family so much. I went home for 2 hours last night, while my mom sat with Darin. Heading back to the hospital, I cried. For the first time, I just didn't want to leave home. Usually, I have felt a decent balance, and don't mind returning. But I was feeling pretty hopeless upon my return. Darin was calm and tired, so I fed him and turned out the lights to go to sleep. Then the charge nurse came in to ask me to change rooms. Our room has a camera for watching patients with eating disorders; they needed the room, so we needed to move. This took until 12:30. Then we had to hook Darin up to his Bi-pap breathing machine. By this point, I was in tears. I don't like to see my baby with a heavy mask pulling on his face while he tries to rest. The nurse asked if I needed a break. Nice offer - don't know what she thought she would do to give me a 'break' at 1:30 in the morning. But it was nice.
Fortunately, our new room has less light and noise coming in from the hallway, so I slept better.
Please come visit if you have time. It is hard to be away from the kids and Joel all evening, but visitors make the time go by alot faster.

[Room Change...]

Last night, Heather and Darin had to change rooms... same floor, but different room, and different phone number. For those who call us, change the last two numbers from 28 to 14.

Damn that Joel for praying...

Yesterday, Darin's pediatrician told me that we could go home on oxygen if we were ready. We are definitely ready. This offer didn't really involve the resultion of the breathing difficulty, just waiting them out at home instead of the hospital. Bitter sweet.

I really started getting excited. I miss being at home. While we are in the hospital, I only see Joel and the kids about 1-2 hours MAX per day. Really, I see the kids this much, but I only see Joel when we swap places, so our time is about 30 seconds per day.

Then we got the news: The sleep study I did with Darin on Wednesday night did not look good. (more details on his website) We now have more specialist to see, so we will stay in the hospital to figure this out.

Now, this was not totally surprising, or all bad news. We did the sleep study to find out if there was a problem. And as I struggled to get Darin to sleep with 30 sensors glued to his head, then covered by a make-shift ski mask, then wrapped in tape... I doubted the need for the study. I actually planned about 10 times during the night to tell the technician that we were not going to finish, to unhook him, and let us go back to our room. But I didn't. And I am glad we completed it. It might be the reason God has kept him in the hospital - so we would keep testing and find out how to help Darin best. I can understand that.

But I am choosing to blame Joel for having to stay.
He told me that he laid hands on Darin and prayed that God would not just let Darin go home "okay", but that God would send Darin home "WELL".

See how it is all Joel's fault.

Wow, my brain is beginning to be fried by the schedule I am living. Unfortunately, I am not good at being productive at the hospital. I am ready to go back to our regular life. I could appreciate a night of cleaning house and changing diapers.
I miss my husband. Over the past 2.5 weeks, we have spent about 10 hours total in the same room. It is hard to plan life together in this situation.

Well, I'm still on a forced "vacation" with Darin in Texas Children's Hospital. Lots of time to think and pray. I am doing really well. Feeling God's presence again. I am happy.