On my relationship with God...
My friend Tiffany posted an interesting challenge to explore our relationship with God, rather than just Christian-pop culture topics in our blogs. So people can learn and grow together. Here's my shot...
I am on a continuous roller-coaster ride in my relating to God. He is steady. I am anything but steady. Over the past year, I can see Him more. Why doesn't this make me trust Him more?
I think I have a tidal relationship - or bi-polar - whichever analogy suits you more. I will vigorously pursue Him, seek discipline, pray, trust - then one day, I will forget it all. Not on purpose, just not with purpose seeking Him.
I confess this is the state of my last month.
May and June were the close part of our relationship. I clung to Him in the midst of chaos and He, of course, sustained me and showed me the abundant life that comes within His plan. Not financial or material abundance. Peace.
Then July became busy. And routine. Sometimes I think I need chaos and uncertainty to drive me to God. Did I just write that? I don't think I really want to say that.
Anyway, right now, I am trying to return to discipline to bring back the closeness. I don't know "theologically" what support there is for this idea, but I think that you need to discipline yourself to pursue God. That way, whether you "feel" like being a Christian, you will still honor Him.
Right now, it's not that I don't want to pursue God, I just feel distracted. For example, I went to pray on Sunday, and the phone rang. Shouldn't have answered it, but I hate returning calls. Then, once the call was over, I forgot to go back to praying.
I think I need structure to my praying and bible study. I need a particular time set aside for it. I am asking God to help me find this order. I don't know where it should go. I just know it MUST be there. I miss it.

Met the funniest lady the other day. She was the grant writer for a homeless project for teens in Colorado Springs called UrbanPeak. For the past 10 years, she and her college roommate have been taking annual road trips throughout the country. They decided they would like to "share" their adventures with someone... so here is what they do.
Like in the movie Amelie, they take pictures of a garden gnome where ever they go. But this is where it gets crazy: 10 years ago, they picked a name and address out of the Denver phone book. Every year, they send pictures and letters to the people at this address, describing their adventures. Sometimes they mention, "stopping by Denver and looking forward to trying your jello salad." This is so fun, and crazy. I wish I could see the reactions of the recipients. Of course, they sign fake names, but always the same fake names. It is awesome.

Just got back from Colorado. My best friend Amy works at UrbanPeak with this lady. Our whole family loaded up in the car to visit Colorado Springs for Amy's wedding. It was an adventure. The first 2 days were spent driving while a continuous loop of Barney, Elmo and VeggieTales played in the backseat. It really wasn't bad - the kids were happy, so I was happy. Then Friday morning, wedding activities started up right away. Arabella was the flowergirl, and I was the matron-of-honor, so we went with the other bridesmaids to get our nails done. This was a big adventure. Arabella is not too fond of people holding her hands still, so I ended up painting her nails myself. Then we jetted back to Amy's house, where we realized we were running late for Amy's next appointment. So Joel came to pick me up with a car full of fussy boys. Uncle Tim accompanied us to a local deli, Woogle's, for a chaotic lunch. Then dress-rehearsal time. The wedding was to be held up in the mountains about 45 minutes away.
The rehearsal was a disaster. There was a gentle rain for most of the rehearsal, bringing into question the plans for an outdoor wedding the next day. At first glance, an indoor option seemed pretty and do-able. The lodge of the Lost Dutchman was gorgeous, with an indoor waterfall with a raised platform in front of it. But the manager of the lodge did not make this option simple... she complained and complicated things until Amy was extremely frustrated. My favorite phrase from the evening: Amy said, "I am putting the "ass" in assertive." Anyway, we left the rehearsal praying against the rain, and at a very high level of stress.
But the rehearsal dinner was a great redemption of the day. At a cozy little tavern in a small mountain town, the dinner was intimate, casual, and fun. The groom, Brad's, extended family put together an "Almost-Wed Game" in the style of the Newlywed Game. They let Amy and Brad earn Old Navy & Chipotle bucks to spend. It was very cute. Amazingly enough, out of about 40 questions, their answered matched on all but 2 or 3.
Saturday, we got up to another overcast day, threating rain. I accompanied Amy to get her hair done for the wedding. My sweet brother Tim created a contingency plan of tarps to cover the guests during an outdoor ceremony in the rain. But when we headed up to the lodge, the sun started peeking through the clouds. The wedding was performed outside, dry and beautiful.
It was a neat setup. The ceremony was performed on a hill outside the lodge. Then, while the wedding party took pictures, there was fishing around the lake. Then came dinner. Then dancing! Arabella didn't perform too well as the flowergirl - stage fright, of course. But man, she performed during the dancing. That little princess danced non-stop for about 3 hours. She danced with almost every person at the wedding. It was really cute (unbiased opinion!).

I have known Amy for about 8 years. I just finally met Brad on Friday. But they seem like a good match. Over the past 3 1/2 years, I have observed their relationship from afar. It was good to finally meet him. He really made a good impression by trying to get to know me in the midst of a chaotic weekend. I hope this first year of marriage goes by quickly - it's a hard one!

Amy is the closest friend I have ever had. We met in 1997, as we both entered ASC (Aggie Sisters for Christ) at Texas A&M and ended up living in the same apartments. This may be a wierd thing to say, but having Amy around made it fun to be single. She understood me, and was a great companion, so I didn't feel like I had to have a guy around all the time. Even after college, when I went to India, she was the only person who really seem to understand my journey. She happened to move to Colorado for the Dale House while I was training for India in Colorado Springs, so she put me on the plane for India, and she picked me up after I got back. I have watched her grow so much. It was hard to give her away to Brad.

Back in 1997, ASC had a formal in Dallas. Amy and I weren't dating anyone, but we still wanted to go. So, she called a high-school friend to take her, and I told her to get her brother to go along with me. I had never met Chris, but I figured, "How bad could it be." The beginning of the weekend, before the formal, Chris and I didn't even speak - ackward! But we all got dressed up, and the evening turned out to be fun. Chris is really senical, but I gave him a run for his money. After that, I would call him a friend...
I'm telling this story for a reason. This weekend, Chris and his awesome girlfriend Deanna were at the wedding (of course). Chris was friendly, and Deanna was a big help with the kids. Throughout the wedding, while I was juggling my three children, Chris would say, "Wow, you really have to know how to multitask." or some other comment. They all sounded supportive and nice. So, I was surprised to hear this story the next day:
Tim, my brother, went out with Chris, Deanna, bridesmaids, etc to a bar after the wedding. I guess Chris had never been introduced to Tim. Chris randomly said something like, "Wow, can you believe how crazy Heather's little brats were?" (paraphrase from heresay) while Tim was sitting right next to him. In true Tim form, he let a 5 second pause go by, then extended his hand, saying, "I don't think we have met - I'm Heather's brother Tim."

This really shouldn't bother me. I shouldn't even let it. But it does. I like to think that people are real when they interact with the kids - if they don't like them, ignore them. But if you are going to look at them, look with love.
Okay, well, I will stop ranting. I needed to get that out. Thanks for reading.

The rest of the trip was pretty nice. We spent Monday and Wednesday with Amy and Brad. On Tuesday, we ventured to Denver to visit some other friends, Lauren & Ella, and Brent & Courtney. We only had about 1 hour to play at Lauren's, but that was probably for the best since the kids bonked Ella in the head about 3 times in an hour. Then we did dinner with Brent & Courtney... seeing them was great. Joel and I were refreshed by our time with them. They are missionaries at heart like us, but they struggle with day-to-day life like us, too... parenting, working, marriage. Their dreams are going to take awhile to acheive, just like ours. Alot to identify with. I feel sad they live to far away.

We got home on Thursday night, spent yesterday recovering, and I am back at the Star of Hope today. Life is always crazy, always exciting... sometimes I dream of being bored!

Yesterday was a great day. Our entire family of 5 snuggled up in our queen-size bed for an afternoon nap. This may seem crazy, but the total weight of the younger 3 members = 64 lbs., so it is not too hard to fit. Actually, since Darin and Holden both want to sleep by the bed rail, they are sort of stacked - Holden with his head about 2 feet down in the bed, then Darin right above him. It is pretty cute.
Our life has been on full-speed-ahead since about June 12th, when we started working on getting to see Darin. Laundry has been pushed aside. Grocery shopping has been on an as-needed, if-eating-is-convenient basis. Toilets have been getting grimmier. Joel has been finishing summer school. And he took his last final at 1pm yesterday. Full-speed ahead.
Halt.
We finally stood still, all of us together, a family, in the same place at the same time. And it was beautiful. I love these moments.
Then the evening just got better. I actually got the laundry done, the toilet clean - and the outside says alot about my inner chaos. So that came into order to. Our evening was spent dancing. And rapping. Holden and Arabella spinned about with reckless abandon, falling down and crashing into one another. Then hugging and wrestling.
This is what life is all about.

Now we are about to have 10 days of vacation together. I am so excited. I remember the driving-vacations with my parents well. At 8, we drove to New York to see my godparents, Pete & Carol. Dad sang old hymns loudly, off key. We listened to books on tape. We played the alphabet game. Time well-spent. Just last summer, mom hit the road with me, Arabella, & Holden for Florida. That trip wasn't perfect. Holden didn't like being stuck in the carseat, so half my time was spent hanging over the backseat, trying to nurse. Don't picture it. But we got to see my cousins who live in Saudi Arabia. And play in the ocean. And I had 45 mins with my grandad - the last moments I saw him before he went to Heaven in October. I was mad at myself, because I had planned on bringing "Green Eggs and Ham", so he could read it to my kids, and they could share my memory of this. But I forgot the book. And now the memory is only mine.

I've been thinking about Grandad alot lately. I didn't know how to mourn him last year. Such mixed emotion... his last 3 years were so full of pain, and his 2nd to last year full of healing... it felt selfish to be sad. He is in Heaven worshiping God right now. But I miss playing battleship, eating grilled cheese and potato chips, working in the garage and inventing things with him.

What a great design of the Father - the family. How else would we know "love"?

Life is passing so quickly...
My ideal scenario: I plan something, tell others about it, then execute it with perfect timing.
My real scenario: God puts dreams in our heart. We begin to pray about them. Things start happening that are way beyond our control... and may not even involve us.

Case in point:
We have been praying about going to Russia for about 2 years. Almost everything in our life has been leading up to that. At Christmas this year, Joel quit his job and I returned to work, so he could pursue a degree in Russian studies at UH. In March, we went to the Hope for CEE conference, where I really began to feel direction on what to begin doing for a move in 3-4 years... start learning about the city (Rostov na Donu), sharing the information with others so they will pray, building a team of prayers and a team of go-ers...
Honestly, I was ready to put all my energy into this.
Then along came our little angel Darin Michael. And my time has been reassigned.
But the work for Russia is not waiting. I barely have time to pray, but God is still preparing people. Obviously this is a good thing. But it also feels like I am left behind and like it is very out of my control. These are feelings I don't really like.
What's happening is good - our friend Jessica has become interested in joining our team to work in Rostov. She has started planning a trip to get exposure to the country. And she will possibly even meet our native Russian teammember, Sam - he might translate for the trip she will go on in December.

The same thing is happening with the church plant that God has laid on Joel's heart for here in Houston. I can pray for it, but Mike & Tammi are making connections, telling people, enlisting possible co-workers. Once again, this is really good. But it is also overwhelming because I am not very involved.

All I can figure is God is teaching me to be content to pray, and then watch Him pull together the logistics. Honestly, I didn't have a clue how to pull together all this stuff. And now God is doing an awesome job. I should be glad I get to know about it at all.

Reflections on 28 years...
While living in India, I had two experiences with "older" women that I can relate to more today than ever before.

• I shared my room, and alot of my traveling time, in Rajasthan with Helen. Helen was a 69-year old grandmother from San Angelo, Texas. And that is all I saw her to be for the first 2 months we were together - a grandmother. She wore different clothing than me (from the "Women's Department") and she wore her hair in a style that speaks of a different era, involving rollers and picks. Honestly, I didn't even try to find out who she was as a person. About 1/2 way through out trip, she got really anxious. Paralyzed by the unknown, she would avoid going out to do the work we came to do... "What a waste, what a wimp," I thought, having adjusted to this place like a fish to water. Then our team leader pointed something out - at her core, Helen is just a girl. The same girl she was at my age. She may have been outgoing or shy, pretty or homely, but either way, someone who needs friends. And her years have given her faith and experience that could teach me alot. I think it took reaching out to her/looking out for her about 2 days before Helen completely opened up. She began to share her journey to India. It turned out she was an adventurer like I only dreamed of becoming. And I almost missed it all.
• About 1 1/2 months into our time in Rajasthan, the president of Caleb Project and his wife came to check on our team. They left 3 elementary-age children back in Colorado while they traveled throughout India. During their stay with us in Jodhpur, the wife pulled me aside and said this:

"I may not look like you, but I am not different. When I look in the mirror, I still see the young girl I was in college, and wonder who this woman is. I need a friend. You may not think that we are the same. But I am having a hard time right now. I see myself as the same as you."

Right now, I can understand these words more than ever before. Most of my social life is spent with beautiful younger women who seem to be a lifetime away from motherhood and marriage. Many times, I feel like I don't know what to talk about with them, because all of my similar experience are "I remember when."

As I grow older, I still perceive myself as 20 years old. I still long for my mother's approval. I still love the butterflies I get from holding hands. I still try to shop in the junior's section. Only now, my body shows the bulge of 2 pregnancies. And it doesn't matter if I can wear a bikini, cuz my husband likes cotton panties and a t-shirt best.

Actually, writing this made me realize what feels so different even though I think I am the same - I feel safe, secure, happy, like I have succeeded. Not that I've stayed a size 4, but that I am in a relationship I could only dream of at 20. I have kids I never even imagined. I don't feel like money is ruling my life, even though it is often a thorn in my side. My relationship with God is more requiring of faith than ever (which is a good thing). And I am not bored, which is a big fear I have about life.

My life is a very busy adventure. Joel and I have been married now for 4.33 years, and only know each other for 5 years... in that time, we have had 2 kids, adopted 1 kid, moved from 3 apartments, lived with his grandma, and bought a house. Every other year, he has worked and I have been a stay-at-home mom... then the other years, he goes to school and I work. This is my year.
My day job
While Joel and I were dating, and struggling to "stay out of trouble" if you know what I mean, we started visiting the homeless people that live under Pierce Elevated (the freeway) in downtown Houston. They were so fascinating, and appreciated what ever food or blankets we could scrounge up to bring with us. And I started wanting to know what resources existed to help them. So I applied to volunteer with the Star of Hope, who has 3 homeless shelters here. But on the interview to volunteer, they recruited me for a job.
I worked at the Star of Hope the whole time I was pregnant with Arabella (2000-2001). And I loved it. I felt like me skills in organizing and planning could really help direct people. When I quit to take care of Arabella, I was sad to leave.
So for 3 years, I tried to figure out how to come back. When I worked in 2002, I needed more flexiblity than SOH could offer, so I worked for ECI. But this year, when it came time to go back to work full-time, I was ready. I returned to the Star of Hope Women & Family Shelter in January 2005. Alot has changed since my last stint here... It has become very "business" like, specializing more in having a process than actually connecting with the homeless people. Honestly, I have trouble being here now. I am praying God will give me the direction on how I can make the new setup here feel meaningful. It doesn't feel helpful.
But the schedule rocks
The best part of SOH is the schedule. I get off at 3:30, 2.5 miles from home, so I am home by 3:40 tops. From then on, I am 100% mom.
The real job
Like the triage nurse in the ER, I walk in and start planning which munchkin needs the most immediate care... Arabella's fussing - get her a snack; Darin's sleeping - throw his bigs and clothes in the washer; Holden's bouncing off the walls - take him outside to swing. This is the work I truly love. I am exhausted and completely fulfilled.
Having babies, the pregnancy part, was hard for me. But caring for babies, daily, constantly, is not hard. I love it!
On being a wife
The job that I focus on the least, but wish I could focus on more, is being a wife. Joel is a great husband. He actually goes to school and takes care of the baby, carpools the kids to and from school, and is preparing to pastor a church. He does alot. And my usual response to him is to ask for more - more help, more time, more of him. I am a pain in his butt. But I don't want to be... I wish we could just hang out more. That is how our love started - just spending 8-9 hours talking in a diner. We are definitely best friends.