Timing.

It is amazing how God's timing works out. One day before Darin got sick again, Joel decided to withdrawal from school. It all works together just right.
I have been feeling alot of peace over the past few days. So many factors outside my control... all requiring full faith. My only choice.

So, I came to work today, while Joel is with Darin at Texas Children's Hospital. The director inquired about Darin, and recommended unpaid leave (FMLA). I told him it would be better if I could come in at least part of the week, so I could still have an income. He said, "I am not worried about the hours. Just come in as much as you can." The good thing about salary is that once I clock in, I get paid for the full day. So, I have permission now to work the amount that is best for our family. THANK YOU, GOD!

An interesting day...
After my last post, Joel said something interesting. He said that he needed time to calculate, plan and consider.
I said, "What?"
He said it was like when he asks me to make a purchase, and I have to consult with my Money software and crunch numbers.
I said, "What are you calculating?"
He said, "If we can afford for Darin to not have the impact the other kids did on our lives - to have you home for the first year with them."

This phrase BLEW me away. He finally figured out how to say what has been dragging me down for weeks. I have tried to label it 100 ways. But it all comes back to feeling like Darin was just squished into a very full life...

So if you read Joel's post, "Change, it is a'comin'...", you will see the sweet, self-less plan he presented to me yesterday. For me to turn in 2 weeks notice at work, for him to withdrawal from UH and then to find a job. It is definitely the opposite extreme of our current situation.

But today, as I came to work, and took time to pray, I was able to break down my stress even farther... which I can now realized is my fault is alot of ways.

Basically, my biggest concern is a parent for Darin to be with 100% - no passing around between babysitters, etc. And Joel is able to do that EXPECT when in class.

Well, the last week of the summer, as we looked at our schedule, Joel said, "There is no way I can do this and go to school." And I said, "We've got to." And he said, "But they don't even have Russian Studies, which is why I was going to school." And I said, "But we've got to."

So, when I examined Joel's new plan, to find a job and let me stay home, I found several flaws, but also an alternative with the same strengths...

Flaws:

• Joel can not prepare to pastor the Basilica Community if he goes back to work. When he works, he gets home late, and he needs to spend that time with the kids. My job is perfect. Ministry, close to home, GREAT HOURS (7-3:30).

Key strength:

• Joel quits school.

It seems like either way, Joel needs to be out of school. Either so I can be with Darin, or so he can. It makes sense... it is my fault that we didn't see it before.

Alternative:

Joel withdrawals and stays home with Darin.

Working toward healing, I become more and more transparent. Hopefully, in the end the sadness will melt away, and you will see me whole again...
Everyday, I am doing self-examination to figure out what is leading to my feelings of depression and anger. My mom suggested chemical imbalance the other day. Right off I knew this was not it...
Which lead me to realized that something in my life is leading to my sour outlook. So I need to pin point the thing.
Tonight, Tammi suggested that I am under spiritual attack because of the work God is using Joel for. She encouraged me not to listen to the Devil, letting him sabotage this work. This is an idea I have been wrestling with myself. It is almost as if I can tell myself not to sabotage it, and pick a fight to try to sabotage it all in the same moment.
So, Joel heard Tammi and I talking. And he came in to bug me until I would tell him what we talked about. Which was annoying, but the exactly right thing for a husband to do - be interested and listen.
When I hear myself say what is going on, I feel like a nut-case. Basically, for the first time in my life, I don't want to be on God's big adventure. I'm not saying I don't want to do it at all.... just not right now. Honestly, I have never wanted average life so much.
So what changed?
We adopted Darin.

My friend Krissy and I talked about 2 days ago. We both had our 3rd child this year and were sharing our feelings on this experience. She put it very well. She said that Kadence brought alot of balance to her life. She had been struggling with doing the mommy-thing to her older 2 boys and re-defining herself as an individual. Having Kadence reconnected her to the mommy priorities, and helped set her individual priorities.

So, this spring, when God told Joel to plant the Basilica Community, I was in a season of renewed exploration of who God would have me be at Kaleo, as a minister of the gospel with Joel, and later in Russia. It was easy to see how taking on this challenge would build into all that God might use us for.
Then God laid out all the pieces for adopting Darin. It was clear and undeniable that God had prepared this path.

But adopting Darin had taken me out of the season of exploring outside ministry, and returned me to a focus on motherhood. Only, with just 6 weeks preparation, I have not made a graceful transition between the two.

This is actually a relief to understand. I can see that I need to make some life adjustments. Now figuring out what those are is the next challenge.

September is halfway over and I can't say I am sorry to see it go. This month has been hard. I don't have a positive outlook on life right now. I need hope.
I am struggling with praying right now. It seems like when I need to pray and seek God the most, it is the hardest to do. Of course, I can say the prayers. I am just not doing well at listening in faith for the voice of God.
I am also struggling with community. My community is essential during times of crisis like this. But my human nature is driving me to push them away. Help is alot more welcome when it is optional; when it is required to survive, it is hard to accept.

God, I need you. I need your outlook on life. I need hope that even when I can't figure out a solution, there is one. I need faith in your Kingdom, your power, your glory. I really need help loving, and being lovable.

Life is getting better. I think that I just needed to sit still... Darin going into the hospital did this for me. I have bee sitting with him for the past 16 hours. I feel alot less stressed.
Today is Arabella's 4th birthday. My angel is becoming a little lady. Everyday with her is beautiful. I miss her. I haven't seen Arabella or Holden since leaving for the hospital with Darin. I did talk to them on the phone. Holden and I had a real conversation. He is growing up too fast.

I watched this "Wife Swap" show at the hospital. This millionairess swapped lives with a working-class mom. The rich lady spent all day shopping and working out, then went out to dinner 6 nights/week, while 4 nannies took care of her 4 children (all under 8 years old). I want to kick in the butt. She is missing the best part of her life. She figured this out somewhat by the switch. She said that a change upon returning from the show was that now her daughter woke up and called out for her mom, instead of the nanny. DUH - that is what a kid is suppose to do! It makes me very sad to think that people take for granted time with their kids. Makes me wonder who raised Paris Hilton...

Today is not a good day. Darin coughed so much last night that at 2:30 am, I took him to the hospital. They suctioned out his mucus, then put him on oxygen. So, now he is being admitted to stay there for a few days.
This is icing on a bad cake. I have been having a rough week emotionally. I feel overwhelmed by my life and there is nothing to do but hope it passes. September was just a busy month... I wish it would be over.
I stayed with Darin until 6:30am, then Joel got to the hospital and I came to work.
I think the thing that is depressing me most is other people doing my job, being the mom. I feel like I have to organize childcare more than anything else. My heart is breaking.
I am asking God to help me find options that feel better.

A story from the trenches...
Last Friday, I spent the day helping a man, Eugene Hamm, try to search for his wife. They were seperated leaving Louisiana after the flood. His wife, Carol, went on a military rescue truck with her dad to get medical attention, and Eugene was left behind with his teenage son and the son's girlfriend.
Starting about 7 am, we called the Red Cross, then started surfing message boards to see if she had listed her name and location on any of them. Since Eugene is currently transient and homeless, I listed by cell number as a way to contact him. Honestly, I didn't know if we would ever cross information paths with Carol. Since just about every television station has set up a "Survivors of Katrina" message board, there are alot of places to search. We searched until lunch, then I began to encourage him to make a plan about what he and his son would do, not dependent upon finding his wife. He was resistent.
After lunch, I went back to helping another family get in touch with scattered relatives. They were using my cell phone when it received a call. It was a lady in Pearland. She said that she read a post on the Yahoo Message board for Carol Hamm. She saw Carol on the CNN news live from Atlanta. Carol was in the studio, sending out a message to Eugene.
We tracked down the info for CNN Atlanta, then they sent us to the Red Cross Atlanta. When we called them, Carol was standing right there. We handed Eugene the phone and all started crying.
A good day in Social Work.

Well, since I work with the homeless population, things have really gotten busy. In the wake of Hurricane Katrina, we have had alot of refugees from Louisiana. It has actually been really fun to have such a fast paced work environment. I figured out about a month ago that I like my job when I am busy. I don't like it when I am bored.
I am really trying to refocus on the goal. So what is the goal... to glorify God. But what is the practical application of this.
As a mom, I am really working on playing more, bossing less. The last 2 days have been good. We have gone in the backyard and played hard after I get home from work. The kids seem to be responding to me better and acting out less - maybe they are just too tired to misbehave! I really want my kids to see me the way I see my mom. She demonstrates who Jesus is for me all the time.
As a wife, I feel like I need a goal. We have been so busy, I don't know who to glorify God by my interactions with Joel. I have making an effort to nag less... hopefully, that is glorifying to God. I also want to support Joel more. Right now, I am in a holding pattern, waiting for him to attend the Acts 29 Bootcamp so I can follow him in the next steps for the Basicila Community.
As a child of God and member of the body of Christ, I feel like I have lost my plan. Before Darin, I had certain things I was directed to do for our church. I need to figure out if these are still the things to do.

Well, there was a big PAUSE here while I went to do some Star of Hope work.... it was really good. I got to talk to a lady for her extension (which means I decide if she can stay another month here)... she looked very sad. And for once, I had the boldness to share the Gospel. At least sprinkle some seeds. Pray for her... for confidentiality, call her GH.