On minute we are feeling fine...

and the next we are both down!
At about 10:10pm last night, Joel and I each said, "I'm not feeling good."
My throat hurts, and he is achy.
And he called to me in the middle of the night FREEZING. That furry man NEVER freezes!
So, pray for us, cuz there are still 3 munchkins that need at least 1 parent.

Reflections on Narnia and the Impact of Blogging

I haven't had time to blog lately, but I have alot of thoughts to share. By the way, if you are in the middle of reading The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe for the first time, DON'T READ THIS POST!
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On Aslan at the Stone Table:
It has been a long time since I have read the Chronicles, so the story was new again for me. And being a very visual learner, I was able to put things together that I had not picked up on or maybe I had just forgotten. So I was blown away by this set of scenes:

Basically, Edmund, the youngest and most sour brother, betrays the group to the queen for some Turkish delight. Because the law that rules Narnia, the White Witch controls traitors, so she comes to claim the life of Edmund. Aslan, the mighty lion, (described in the book by Beaver:)

"Is -- is he a man?" asked Lucy.

"Aslan a man!" said Mr. Beaver sternly. "Certainly not. I tell you he is the King of wood and the son of the great Emperor-Beyond-the-Sea. Don't you know who is the King of the Beasts? Aslan is a lion -- the Lion, the great Lion."

"Ooh," said Susan, "I thought he was a man. Is he -- quite safe? I shall feel rather nervous about meeting a lion."

"That you will, dearie, and make no mistake," said Mrs. Beaver, "if there's anyone who can appear before Aslan without their knees knocking, they're either braver than most or else silly."

"Then he isn't safe?" said Lucy.

"Safe?" said Mr. Beaver, "don't you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you? Who said anything about safe? 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you."

...speaks to the Witch in private, and she leaves Edmund and goes away satisfied... for later. That night, Aslan goes alone to a place full of the witch and her cronies. He silently walks through their gathering, while they mock him, whip him, then the White Witch kills him.

So, my reflections:
Often it is really helpful for me to understand my relationship to God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit through allegories or other word pictures.

• In this case, I was amazed to see a Lion walking through a gathering of "creatures" that he could clearly dominate, alone, to die. It was moving to me to think of Jesus as powerful enough to ripe the whole city to shreds, but walk peacefully on.
• It never crossed my mind before that Satan must have thought he won. In my basic checks and balances system, Jesus had fulfilled the requirement of the Law. But I never realized that Satan thought he had conquered God for that day.
  
  • And my human nature HATES this. I hate looking foolish, when I can set the story straight. As I watched Aslan quietly lay upon the table, I imagined my own urges - to at least bite a little piece of flesh to remind them how strong I was, so they would see that this was MY choice to die. To put them back in their place IMMEDIATELY and CONTINUOUSLY.
  • I can relate to Peter even more, pulling out the sword and chopping off the ear. Every bit of Peter's manhood was challenged by the method Jesus was using to abolish the Law of Sin and Death.
• Once again, as when I read Rick Joyner's The Final Quest and The Call, I feel like I understand better what my life is suppose to be like - a battle. During a battle, stability and security have a different meaning and value than outside of war.
  
• Stability is a matter of footing, not staying in the same place.
• Security is not about resources, it is about preparing for the next step so you are not taken off guard.
• My last reflection is less serious... but I missed it before just the same. In Narnia, it is "always winter, but never Christmas" under the reign of the White Witch. I just caught on to the Christmas connection - Christmas represents the coming of Jesus, so in an oppressed land, Jesus has not come yet.

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On blogging:

I have previously been able to appreciate the value of blogs in my life. They have allowed me to reconnect with a community of people I have loved in the past, and share a level of conversation that does not exist in snail mail or mass emails. I look forward to reading what they have written and following the conversations they have with others, learning with each word how they view the world.

What I have not experienced until recently was pain through blogs. This is a sad side effect of random intimacy. About 2 weeks ago, I read the blog of an acquaintance who was reflecting on the possibility of having a baby with Down Syndrome. Honestly, this blog was NOT the hurtful blog. I can appreciate his honest reflection of his feelings. Then I shifted to his comments where I began in downward slide to getting my feelings hurt.

Basically, as I read through the initial remarks, I read the comment of someone who goes to my church. In the comment, I saw things that people must think about my life that bother me. I don't like the thought that someone congratulates me on adopting Darin, but really feels that this is something that is beyond words of sympathy.

Then I made my first mistake of leaving myself wide open for more irritation. I commented. I rambled on about each thing that had impacted me in reading the post and the comments. After the writer's initial reply, we shifted to email so we could converse more discretely. And I think that went well.

But the comment HELL continued. Well, not exactly in the comments. I suppose I actually found this in a link on another friend's blog. Of course, I am not the anonymous commenter on the original blog, who provoked most of this post, but I am the one who brought up the Down Syndrome and made it out to be the "greatest thing since sliced bread". And I have found myself hating this person, who I just casually know, and mentally expecting our friends to take a side in this blog-war.

Then, on the way to work today, I realized the damage done by all of us. By me for posting my opinion on a delicate subject. By the sister from my church for posting on a delicate subject. By all of us feeling like we understand the tone of conversation typed over the internet.

So, I want to repent and apologize to all that were involved or in the middle:

To Dallas and Carrie

I apologize for not keeping my mouth shut when I should have. I am sorry that I let Tiffany's comment lead me into reacting to you. Honestly, I made the mistake of taking her comment the worst way possible. And I know she didn't mean it that way.

To Michael and Tammi

I apologize for interfering with people and friendships you have that I am not really involved in. I do not know Dallas & Carrie well enough to say what I did to them. I hope I did not create problems for you, since you are our common connection. Please forgive me for having a big mouth. Thank you for loving our kids and never telling me if you agree with things posted that hurt me. I have determined now that I would rather not know.

To Tiffany

I apologize for not giving you the benefit of a doubt in reading your comment to Dallas and Carrie. I repent for letting it build a wall in my heart between you and I.

To David and Cohen

I apologize for hurting someone you value and not validating his opinion. I repent from hating you for your views and your unkind words. I don't know your tone or intent either.

To Joel

I apologize if my impulsive response to Dallas embarassed you or hurt your friendship with Michael. I repent of this and commit to sit under your slower to respond wise counsel.

To Amy

I apologize for bringing you into this at all. I repent of talking about it to appease my anger.

I am truly sorry for hurting anyone by my perspective.

Life has been so busy, I haven't had time to think, much less blog.

I love my new job. I am finally sitting at my own desk typing this. It is a great environment to work in.

There is a little chaos going on related to Darin. We were anxiously awaiting our "7 month visit" with Darin's birthmom, scheduled for Dec. 17th. We decided to do it a little early, so it would be part of the holidays, instead of after.
Well, all of our communication is supposed to go through the adoption agency, but since she used by cell phone to call her mom from the hospital when we visited together, she does have my number. She has only called 3 times...
So she called to confirm the appointment on Tuesday night, and really threw me for a loop. She told me that she has become friends with Darin's possible birthfather's sister (they met at the bar, Lonnie (BM) is currently working at). The BF's sister said that the family was irritated that they never had a chance to keep Darin. But Lonnie told me she reassured the BF's sister that we are the right family for Darin. So, she invited this sister to come to our visit on the 17th.

This is stressful to me. The process to terminate the BF parental rights is lengthy if he was not involved with the initial adoption placement. So, I don't know any of the repercussions of all this.

I called for the wise counsel of my aunt Joann, who placed a baby for adoption about 14 years ago, and also worked for an adoption agency until last year. Her first and wisest response was:

If Darin is your baby, nothing can change that.

Meaning, of course, TRUST GOD, who orchestrated all of this from the beginning.

But still, the stress is there.

Pray!

My new job

Well, I had my first day at the new job - loved it! The environment was very nice - friendly people, people truly concerned about the people they serve, willing to help me serve them well. I don't have ANY computer time as I am training and working 8-5. But eventually, I will be making my own schedule, and driving to see people in their homes, and I will have time to read and write blogs again. I miss my blog reading, so I feel connected to all of you. Thanks for the prayers. Of course, they worked.

Friday night was a great time for me. I had a huge Kaleo slumber party. Upon reflecting on this time, I realized that something great had happened for me:
I spent the night as Heather. Not as Arabella, Holden & Darin's mom. But as me.
Since becoming a mom, it has been easy to hid behind the kids in new or scary social situations. I can be there and never go beyond the level of regurgitate odds'n'ends about the kids. It is very safe, but completely unfulfilling.
Friday, the kids were safely tucked away with Joel's mom, Darin and Joel were snuggling at the hospital, and I completely let my guard down. I realized this Saturday morning when I had not called to check on how Holden slept or what they ate.
I think I did okay on my own. I was not so socially ackward that I sat alone in a corner. Actually, my whole night was spent drawing Henna art on hands and ankles. A beautiful way to interact - holding the hand of a friend and making them even more beautiful.

My relationgship to Kaleo is weird. Not outwardly, but inwardly. I know we are leaving to plant Basilica. Sometimes, it dawns on me to wait for the new church to create unity, friendship, and strength in a group of women. But then I remember the wandering nature of our call to be churchplanters. We are never going to be anywhere for a long time. But I must continue to invest in each group of women with the same zeal. For in the end, these are my sisters, my support, and from each group I will learn things that will prepare me for the next.

At Ecclesia, I learned to be a mother in a way that feels right to me - nursing, wearing a sling, weighing each decision seriously, choosing my children above my own interests.
At First Baptist, I learned to study the Bible and pursue Him in the midst of motherhood so I could minister to other women.
At Kaleo, I am learning to work together with all the women to be the Body of Christ to one another.

Man, I love these women.

3 Interpretations on a commonly quoted scripture

Over the past few years, I have felt a special closeness to a particular verse, Psalm 37:4

Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.

I think it is very interesting how people interprete this 3 different ways. I want to share my progression through mainly the last two interpretations... I am including the first for completeness.

1. Prosperity interpretation - "if I serve God, he will give me what I want... a big house, nice car, ya know... lots of money and stuff." (emphasis on "he will give you")
   Honestly, I don't think this one lines up with the Bible at all. The focus of our relationship with God is not US.
   
2. Directing God through prayer - "when I pray, I tell God what my heart desires. Then He makes it happen." (emphasis on "desires of your heart")
   This is the way I used to think... especially about Arabella. When I worked at Camp Barnabas in Summer 1999, I had a cabin full of Down Syndrome angels. And I fell in love. So I prayed, "God, if you have an extra child with Down Syndrome, who you need a family for, send them to me." Then Arabella was born in 2001!
   
   But I don't think this is Biblical either... it implies that God doesn't already have a plan, that I know what is best, with the focus still on ME...
   
3. God directing us as we pray - "when I pray, I begin to hear from God, and understand Him, and I am able to see his Desires and they become my desires." (emphasis on "he will give you desires")
   I think this one is actually what happened with Arabella - God, in his infinite wisdom and fore-knowledge, placed in my heart the desire for what He had planned from the beginning of time. That way, I was able to see His blessing in something that scares others. This is consistent with the God of the Bible - focusing on getting GLORY for GOD out of a situation that the world sees inaccurately. Attention on God by all parties!

Isn't it weird how the same verse can be taken so many ways? Do you have examples of this?

Excited about Life

Even though Darin is in the hospital, my life is going pretty well. Having him out for 3 weeks allowed me to accomplish several things that I really wanted while we were there before:
1. Get pictures of all three kids together - well, at least we tried, even though not a single picture will include all 3.
2. Get the ball rolling on the church plant...
3. Plan some bonding stuff for Kaleo... there's a slumber party this Friday night.

Lots of fun!

And I love the cold weather... see my cutie Holden all bundled up.

Darin's back at Texas Children's hospital... so I'm too busy to blog. But in high spirits!

It is finished.

I finally felt peace about my decision... I placed my resignation at the Star of Hope today. I will finish the day after Thanksgiving, then start at VitaLiving on November 28th. I am excited and sad at the same time... typical girl!

I haven't posted about the job yet, because I am having ALOT of trouble deciding... pros both ways. Yesterday, the official announcement was made that my favorite former boss, Erika, is now my boss again. So I have the added pressure of disappointing her. I had pretty well decided to go with the new job until that factor was added in... I wish it didn't matter to me if people are happy with me...
So, I spoke openly about the whole thing with Erika yesterday. Told her I would decide one way or another by Monday, since the other place wants me to start on Nov. 28th...
ARGH!