Missions feed my soul

Other blog

2009-07-27T02:10:00.000-05:00

Trying out a Wordpress blog for a bit: http://shantijoy.wordpress.com/

CVS & prescriptions

2009-04-27T09:08:00.000-05:00

When Joel had his heart attack (12/30/08), he got put on 5
prescriptions immediately - $90 in copays.
Thankfully, I has spent my Christmas vacation learning about The
Grocery Game & reading moneysavingmethods.blogspot.com.

By finding 'Transfer your Rx' coupons, I have spent only $10/month out
of pocket...

Here's how it worked yesterday:

Joel had 3 prescriptions Auto-refill @ CVS.
I prefer to keep my Rx's @ CVS, and so do they... So I don't transfer
them! I just use the coupon I would if I had transferred to Walgreens
without the hassle!

1st Rx$10 copay - $10 cash... Get $25 Giftcard with coupon from
Walgreens ad
2nd Rx$10 copay - $10 off GC... Get $25 GC= Balance $40
3rd Rx$30 copay - $30 off GC... Get $25 = Balance $35

If I was smart, I would save this GC for next Rx refills... Then I
wouldn't have the $10 out-of-pocket.

CVS Deal of the Day

2009-04-19T16:00:00.004-05:00

Starting CVS Balance: $1.99 ECBs

Prescriptions:
Sincor $30
Paid $30 cash
Rec'd $15 GC
Net: -$15

Shopping:
(8) HoneyNut Cheerios $2.50 - coupon $1/3 = $19
Nature's Valley $3 - coupon $0.50 = $2.50
(2) Gummi Lifesavers - coupon $1.50 = $1.50
Milk $2.79 = $2.79 + $2 ECBs
(4) CVS Sinus meds (2)$5.29 + (2)$5.49 - (2)$2.50 off 12 = $16.56
CVS $10 off $50
Paid: $1.99 ECB + $15 GC + $14.36 cash
Rec'd: $2 ECB

Started with $1.99 ECB = $1.99
Ended with $2 ECB = $2.00
Product value: $84.64... For $44.36 cash - not bad considering I needed the prescription & sinus meds either way!

Easter, Holy week, and the church calendar

2009-04-09T13:00:00.000-05:00

I've had mixed feelings about Lent and Holy week this year. It has
felt arbitrary and contrived.... so I have pretty much left it
unacknowledged.

Only yesterday did I start to contemplate this freedom... Is the
church calendar an order set up by the Father?

Stop slavery - support Love146 for $25/month

2009-04-08T17:06:00.001-05:00

CVS Deal of the Day

2009-03-26T15:03:00.001-05:00

Starting CVS Balance: $8 GC + $5 ECBs = $13

Prescriptions:
Lovaza $30 - Coupon $20 = $10
Lisinopril $10
Paid $8 GC + $12 cash
Rec'd $50 GC
Net: $43

Shopping:
(4) Campbell's soup B1G1 $1.69 & $1.49 -coupon (2)$1/2 = $1.18
(3) Pepsi 12-packs $3.67 - $2 ECB = $9
Schick Intuition $8.99 - coupon $4 - $3 ECB = $1.99
(2) Bayer Aspirin $2.79 - coupon (2) $1 = $3.58
Non-deal items $11.48
CVS $2.50 off $12
Paid: $5 ECB + $26.18 GC
Rec'd: $5 ECB

Started with $12 cash + $8 GC + $5 ECB = $25
Ended with $23.82 GC + $5 ECB = $28.82
Product value: $84.86... For $3.82 profit!

On the President

2009-01-14T16:53:00.002-06:00

Internet Monk nailed it:

Christians: What are you saying about the President? by iMonk
When Mr. Obama was elected, I told some of my friends, "This is going to be difficult for some people." And, unfortunately, not only was I right, I was right on the money as to who would have the most difficult time seeing a black Democrat take the office of President. For the past two months, almost daily, I have listened to too many- not all thankfully, but many of the evangelical Christians around me say untrue and hateful things about President-elect Barak Obama.
As Inauguration Day grows closer, the rhetoric is getting worse.

"I will not support a man who hates our flag and hates our Bible." This from an educated adult.

"He's not even a Christian. He's a Muslim." I have heard this over and over and continue to hear it.

"He's not my President." This from all kinds of people.

"I hate Obama. I'd like to get in his face." And worse. This from a child.

"We shouldn't allow our children to watch the inauguration." From an adult.

"I can't wait till he's _________ed." I'll skip the word so my blog isn't sent to some FBI list. This from teenage boys, of course.

I could go on and on and on with these quotes. I hear them and hear of them almost every single day I am around my fellow Christians. I did not vote Barak Obama. I barely voted for John McCain. The choices this year left me unenthused to say the least. Obama's solutions to political, foreign policy, social and economic policy all seem wrong to me, and I'm concerned about his lack of experience. I'm hopeful that he will be a good president because I think he knows that he is a historic leader coming to power at a critical time. I believe he's made many good choices for cabinet positions. I think he is smart and I understand he doesn't suffer fools and divas gladly. I'll pray for him. Scripture tells me to pray for my leaders. They are ordained of God. (Romans 13, I Timothy 2, I Peter 2) I am to pray for all those in authority. I am to submit to them as authorities established by God. I am to pay my taxes, obey the laws and avoid doing what is illegal. As much as it depends on me, I am to be a peaceful citizen of this country. Should my President ask me to do what I cannot do without violating the law of God, then I must be faithful to God.
Let me say this again: Scripture is clear that those in authority are to have my obedience, my prayers and my cooperation in all things that do not violate my loyalty to Jesus Christ. These commands were all written to first century Christians who lived under hostile, pagan, anti-Christian, often actively persecuting Roman governments. No group of Christians in the first three centuries of the church every lived under a Christian ruler. Yet all these Christians took seriously the command to "Honor the King" and to "submit to and pray for" those rulers as much as possible.
If you are an evangelical Christian adult, please hear me out: You are sinning- badly and boldly - when you publicly denigrate and lie about the President. You have no basis to do this. Surely you know that this is wrong. You can state your opposition to the President as you choose, but it is wrong to say that a Christian should not watch the Inauguration, pray with Rick Warren and pray for President Obama when he puts his hand on the Lincoln Bible. You can oppose him in every way, but to speak threatening, hateful, hostile or untrue words is wrong, and it makes Christians appear, once again, to be hateful, hostile, unconcerned with truth and selfish to a fault. To speak this way in front of children and to pass this kind of rhetoric and attitude on to them is no different from passing on the worst kinds of racial or religious prejudice to our children. Our children trust us and believe what we say. When we say "Obama hates the Bible and hates Christians," we are brainwashing our kids with untruths and paranoid mythology. I know that many of you will be firing back at me saying that abortion and gay marriage and other social issues outweigh the Biblical commands to pray for, submit to and obey this particular
leader. I agree with you that his policies in these areas should be opposed- legally and without hateful personal attacks and untruths.
But I cannot agree with your abandonment of what the Bible clearly teaches. And I deplore your choice to speak these words in front of unbelievers and young people. You need to repent, and if necessary, apologize. As we approach January 20, please read the Bible's many
commands to Christians regarding our attitude toward the civil government. Remember that these commands were written when everyone knew that Jesus was executed by the government and every government was set against the belief that Jesus, not Caesar, was Lord. Nero was
no friend of Christians in the first century. Neither was Domitian.
Today, the commands of scripture apply to Christians in China, in Iraq, and in India. They apply to all Christians living under hostile governments. Jesus lived under a cruel Roman governor, yet he submitted and obeyed that governor, even to the point of death. Let us speak the truth in love. Let us love those we may not agree with. Let us leave the right example for children and young people. And let's not engage in blatant sin, and then excuse it, in the name of politics.

A new tradition.... Being St. Nick

2008-12-26T18:55:00.001-06:00

So, this Christmas, Joel and I have tried hard to re-program the kids
from 'I want' to 'Christ gave, so I give'

The hard part is that we have never bought them Christmas presents -
but they get a TON from all our loving family.
We did tell our families we have all we need, but of course they still
showered us with blessings.

Also, we have never directly addressed Santa Claus. We see him in
Christmas movies, but we haven't said, 'this gift is from him.'
Then we went to a play @ the Interactive Theater that gave a history
of St Nicholas with the message of it is all about giving... But
ending with the normal Santa still alive @ the north pole.

So about 2 weeks ago, Holden tells Bella, 'Jesus is fake.'
I said, 'Holden, why did you say that?'
Holden: 'Cuz Santa's pretend, and Johnny (our 'Elf on the Shelf') is
fake, so Jesus is too.'
This was Joel's greatest fear realized. I did not hesitate to kill
Santa and the Elf. Salvation was at stake.
Me: 'Johnny is fake. And St Nick was a nice old man 100's of years
ago, and he is dead. But Jesus is alive, your creator and your
salvation.'

This pretty much shaped the rest of our Christmas. No more silliness.
Fortunately, my mom was thinking along the same lines.
We started a new tradition. While the rest of the children waited for
Santa Christmas Eve, we took blankets, socks filled with goodies, and
hot soup to homeless men on the streets of Houston. And this time,
Holden said, 'I'm being just like Jesus, feeding people.'
And I said, 'just like St Nick copied Jesus, too.'

Another Piper

2008-10-18T22:25:00.001-05:00

Joel and I read the blogs of Abraham and Molly Piper.... Abraham is the 3rd son of Pastor John Piper.

Since he is the web-content editor for the Desiring God blog, he was
also at the conference.

We went to lunch and talked for a few hours.

Here's the weird thing: to sit across from basically a stranger, and
know their interests, family, sorrows and joys. Kinda fun....
Lots easier than starting from scratch.

Piper transforms me again!

2008-10-18T22:12:00.001-05:00

Well, actually Jesus transforms me, but uses Piper's words to do it.

Back in 1999, 1 1/2 years after my conversion, I went to the Passion
Conference, where I heard the message that transformed my life. John
Piper did a LONG intro, explaining how glorifying God in abundance is
what the anyone would do, glorifying God in a tragedy is what a
Christian would do, but chosing suffering to bring Him glory is what
we should do.

I lived the next 7 yrs in light of this teaching, passionately driven
to bring Him glory.

When I met and fell in love with Joel in 2000, I drug him to a
conference in Dallas @ Park City Pres (PCPC) where Piper wrecked his
life, too (in a good way).
Piper told us that the call was not to be missionaries, but to be martyrs.
Joel's never been one to do anything halfway, so he understood that he
would have to put God ahead of EVERYTHING.
Joel wasn't ready. On the ride home from Dallas, Joel bought a pack of
cigarettes and tried to run back to his old life.

In the past year, I have been struggling with my faith a lot. No
disbelief, but faith. My courage for God has waned.... It began to
feel pointless.
And I haven't known what to do about it.

I shared some of this with a missionary, Shannon, I spent last weekend
at a Pastoral Vision pow-wow with. She prayed some poignant prayers
for me then.

This weekend @ the Desiring God Regional Conference in Austin, Piper
once again put me in my place.
Below God, in awe of Him, in need of Him.

The topic was Job and his suffering.
I saw God purpose and plan stretchng Job through the trials Satan
requested to attack him with.
I was reminded once again that I am the creation, and I have NO RIGHT
to question God.
I was inspired to pursue God's glory once again.

The Mortgage crisis and it's effect on the Capitalist Economy

2008-10-14T15:43:00.002-05:00

I think the whole situation with our economy, and it's link to the mortgage industry is confusing... but it was made so much more clear by listening to 2 radio programs.
Seriously, listen to these 2 episodes of This American Life:
The Global Pool of Money
Another Frightening Show on the Economy

Crisis brings community

2008-09-20T21:36:00.002-05:00

Since my 3 months in Rajasthan, India in 1999, there have been cultural elements I have ached for.
I have tried to articulate it many ways, from talking about living in
community-house-sharing, to trying to integrate a community meal into
Basilica.
During this recovery week post-Ike, I have had this ache 'satisfied'.... or pacified. Without a slam-packed schedule, unlimited food resources, and media, and WITH people revealing their needs to be met, I have seen lots of serious community going on.
It felt the most India-like for me at my parents' house:
- To begin with, their neighbors split their generator energy with 2 additional houses to keep all refrigerators running, instead of running more of their own stuff.
- Then as my parents' deep freeze thawed, each evening mom would set up a backporch potluck for the neighbors.
- Several days in, my Mimi came to stay there. Seeing Arabella chatter with her through the day reminded me of having my Indian Mama around Mon Singh and Anita's house.

I definitely think that I feel less alone each time a crisis comes and community helps meet the needs.

I wonder how much of this I missed out on from 2001-2004 by living on credit so that no one would know we were so desperately in need -$40,000 worth of it.

Awesome strategy

2008-09-15T11:32:00.002-05:00

So, Joel mentioned an awesome 'problem' according to Pro-choicers.
Apparently, they (Pro Choice) are upset with the public's positive response to Sarah Palin's daughter, Piper, licking her hand and smoothing her new brother (with Down syndrome)'s hair during her mom's speech. They are afraid that this families joy at having this son, show by Piper's cuteness I guess, will prevent mothers pregnant with babies with Down syndrome from aborting.

Okay, I had no idea how flimsy their case was! If I can just convince people that Arabella and Darin bring joy, no more babies will be aborted.

This is awesome for me! Cuz I have been 'accused' before of making it sound like having a kid with Down syndrome is the next best thing after sliced bread! My accuser thought I did not acknowledge the difficulties....
When you are waiting your whole life to get married..... Do you talk about fighting and divorce, or just dream of honeymoons, sex and best friendship?
When you are talking about having kids... Do you talk about rebellious teens, broken arms, learning to turn an unruly preschooler into a functional adult, or just savor snuggles, hugs, teaching?
When you plan a vacation.... Do you stay home because it might be a long flight there, airplane food might be mediocre?

My kids are the best, and I hope our joy can save some babies lives!

Old gods

2008-09-14T08:08:00.002-05:00

Before I was a Christian, from 1995-1997, I was controlled by anxiety.
I fought to control the people around me so they would not hurt me, and when that didn't work (it rarely does), I would be paralyzed by fear.
In the summer of 1997, I was healed from anxiety and released from taking Buspar by the Lord. This remains my main area of attack by the Enemy. I'm not sure if this is a family strong hold, or a female place of vulnerability, but I constantly pray against it for myself, my
girlfriends and my mom.

Yesterday, it slipped in and grabbed me again. I think something like a hurricane almost comes with 'permission' to worry and obsess. I heard it in the faithless statements from the news and the people around me Thursday as Ike approached. And I climbed on board. It continued in
the midst of the storm with sleepless, paralyzing fear of a tornado.
But it didn't leave with Ike. I had opened the door, and my former god, Anxiety, was happy to stay awhile. As yesterday progressed, I would get hot from no A/C and become unable to parent, to plan for the remainder of the day, figure out how to prepare for the future. When we returned to our hot house last night, I was exhausted and ready to go in debt for place to go wait for power. I could not imagine today in this messy life.
This morning, I woke up @ 4:15am. I was smoking hot but rested. I called Centerpoint to report our downed power line. Then I started looking for a cool place to go back to sleep...
And I had an anxiety attack. I was frozen with fear of today, what it would bring.
Graciously, God helped me realized right then how miserable that feeling is. And He provided the hope that He could remove it. I got out the candles and did my Precepts Bible study - day 3 in Isaiah 6, focusing on Isaiah seeing God and responding to Him.
And I could see, through these circumstances and the momentary re-surrender to Anxiety, and once more God's salvation, that i've been slipping into the bondage of Security - of having funds, family, routine and order. I've stopped being creative and willing to find any way to make things work. In India, I lived with no A/C, and no security outside of Him, and it was one of the best times. And 7 yrs ago, in Texas Children's Hospital, I lived with no knowledge and no control, as my baby was cared for and I learned to be a mom to a baby with a heart defect, and it was the best time.
The anxiety is gone. And the rain has come.... an undeserved gift (aka Grace) of a cooling breeze.
Thank you, Lord - YHWH, Alpha-Omega, Creator and King

Picking up the pieces from Hurricane Ike

2008-09-13T17:16:00.001-05:00

So, Ike came through last night. It was pretty scary. I kept thinking
the wind was a tornado.
At about 9:30p, we pulled 3 twin mattresses into the hall. It had not
rained a drop, and the wind was just starting. Everyone but me fell
asleep, so I got up and watched the storm approach on the news. At
11:30p, our power went out. I went to lay in the dark and stillness of
our hall. About 12a, Joel woke up and started stepping over me, so I
got up and watched the storm with him - up and down with each noise
until Arabella joined us.
During this time, our fence blew down.
Then the Eye passed over @ 4am. It was so calm, everyone on the street
came out to clean up. Then it picked back up. It was louder and
stronger. And it brought down a HUGE tree towering above our garage.
It landed on our back deck and our neighbor's patio roof, and is
laying across our power line.
So, I don't know if we will get power when everyone else does, or if
that tree will cause further delays.

So, today is weird. Quiet - no media running. Hot - no A/C. Aimless -
how do you begin such a big clean up?

My Palin statement.... If anyone cares

2008-09-07T10:44:00.002-05:00

Man, I have seen more political discussions in my community since Palin was nominated as Vice Pres candidate - Christians, families with children with Down syndrome, homeschoolers - than ever before.

A few people have asked my opinion about Palin. So here it is:

I was born into the one-issue conservative Right - pro-life. We marched for life and I believed that no one I knew would be a Democrate!

I birthed and adopted 2 children into the Left. They will rely on good social welfare for their whole life. And my occupation has led me to see that without the Church in their full Biblical role of feeder of the widows and orphans, I need to see a strong Democratic government in place to care for the homeless and forgotten.

But I am still so pro-life there is no party for me.

Enter Sara Palin.
1. I don't think anyone is a saint just for NOT aborting her baby. I think that view is OFFENSIVE and states something in people's hearts that I don't want to know about - that children with Down syndrome are lucky if they get born!
2. I don't know if a politician's children can change the political views of a party. The Republican's assumption that every man can/should care for themselves will not be challenged by a special needs child born into an affluent family. I assume all of Palin's children will have adequate funding.

On the flip side:
I was horrified and my mind sealed SHUT to Obama when I read he fought against saving the life of an out-of-the-womb baby who did not die during an abortion, since this would blur the question of when life begins. If life has not begun after birth, than my children may still be 'not alive'... And that's the dumbest idea I've ever thought!

So, I'm still hoping for a 3-party system, with option for some one to win between the Republican and Democratic platforms. In my dreams, a pro-life, socially liberal Christian who also opposes fighting people trapped in a religion far from God.

By the way, the war is my other political problem:
Don't argue that I have to follow my 'brother' Bush, killing children of Ishmael for oil - my brother is one doing the will of Our Father:

'Stop doing wrong, learn to do right! Seek justice, encourage the oppressed. Defend the cause of the fatherless, plead the case of the widow.' Isaiah 1:16b-17

Camping

2008-07-30T08:38:00.001-05:00

Holden and I just finished our first camping trip together. We arrived
@ noon on Monday, and immediately jumped in the Frio for 2+ hour
float.
Holden is an awesome River Rat, swimming in and out of his tube, not
even getting scared when we flipped on the rapids, and acting like a
little motor to pull me and Jessica alone.
Yesterday Holden spent from 10a-5p in the section of river by our
campsite. As we laid on the air mattress for a little rest, he said,
"when are we gonna swim again?"
After I replied, "not for awhile." he laid his head down crashed.

I loved camping with him. We enjoy the same things.

This might have to be our annual Mother-Son trip!

What do these 3 shows have in common?

2008-07-26T22:17:00.001-05:00

1. The Office
2. Lost
3. Heroes

None are on right now.
I love them all.

Next best thing: talking about them!

The Office: I just fell in love with this one over the past month.
Favorite characters: Jim and Pam, although Michael Scott has really grown on me.
I think Michael's personality initially seemed weird, but he turns out
to be much like the social-different men in my life, whom I love ( my
dad, my husband, my brother Tim, Michael Rice).
Then there's Pam. Just an average girl, brought to everyone's
attention when Karen :-( comes into the office. The most normal person
there. I feel like she and I have lots in common. Trying to explore
art in a world of much more artist people, often made to look plain by
other's sophistication. But she's the most sincere.
And Jim. So adorable. Enough said.
Favorite episodes: Season 3 Finale & Season 4 Finale - especially the
Kevin joke told to the new HR lady.

Lost: the first of the 3 to become obsessed with, I must confess that
we would watch 3-6 hrs @ a time. I feel like a sci-fi geek when I
discuss podcasts and theories about it with my hubby and friends. It
still bugs me that all the answers to the mysteries may lie in the
imaginary - I know this is silly and illogical, but I like the show
more if I think it follows the same laws (gravity, space-time, etc) as
my world.... cuz then if my plane crashed, these things could happen
to me.
Favorite character: Sawyer. He's totally grown on me. I have become
more and more suspicious of Jack, the obvious favorite, and I think
Sawyer has made more and more selfless choices.
Biggest question: what's up with Jack's (& Claire's) dad?

Heroes: who doesn't love a superhero?
Favorite characters: Claire-bear and Peter
I love when they do the strings showing how everyone
overlaps/crisscrosses.... Although I don't like the portrayal of the
future.
Returning Sept 22nd!

Me and Holdie

2008-07-26T19:30:00.001-05:00

So, Holden and I get to go camping on the Frio River this week
Monday-Thursday. I am so excited for 1-on-1 time with him. Plus I love
tubing!

Going out with a bang

2008-07-26T14:07:00.005-05:00

Last night, Arabella graduated from her 6th year @ the Rise School of Houston. The night was so intentionally put-together, and I really enjoyed it.

Arabella's a little bi-polar in performing: she's the queen or she's completely shut down. The Annie video is being ON! Her ballet recital was her being totally OFF (we both knew the ballet dance backwards and forwards).

Last night, she was ON. Her class did an introduction routine, and she said her name and age on cue (although according to her, she's 5). Then they sang "Rise" by the Robbie Seay Band. Arabella started off totally still, but then kicked in with all the signs right on beat.

Then we went to the nearby Marco's for some food. They had a live musician, playing mostly Mexican music. As you can see from the picture, it was better than a playground. That girl and her brothers can cut a rug!

Reflections of God

2008-07-26T12:44:00.002-05:00

As you can see, this is a spiritually difficult time for me.
During this time, the person who is ministering to me the most is Angie. I have never met her...probably never will. I read her blog. But just as Let the Nations Be Glad ministered to me on paper, Bring the Rain ministers to me by Blog.

You should read all the posts yourself, but the summary of Angie's year is that in January, an ultrasound reveal so was carrying a baby girl that could not survive after she was born. So, when Audrey Caroline was born on April 7, she only lived a few hours.

Angie is preaching the Gospel through her grief. It's amazing.

Balancing

2008-07-25T09:40:00.002-05:00

I am going back and forth on educating Arabella and Holden.
One day I am set on homeschooling, looking forward to the time together, the opportunity to teach them, and uncomplicate our life.
The next day, I think, "who am I kidding!" I'll never be organized enough to teach them. Their lifes will be chaotic.

Last week, I planned to go on Thursday to just talk to my local school (in a district know for excelling in Special Ed) about Arabella. But I knew there were factors they could not guarantee: mainly, how good of an Aide she would have.
Then Wed, her Speech Therapist invite Arabella to join a 3-day per week class with 5 other kids @ her center, to supplement her homeschooling. It sounds like it will offer just what I was looking for at school - a routine, consistent interactions with other kids, and obedience to another teacher.
I am so thankful for this super-affordable option, 1/2-way between homeschool and school. I'll still do the academics, pick the curriculum, but I'll have some time to reorganize between our at-home school days.

So that just leaves Holden. My sweet Holden. I have lots of guilt about last year. I pulled him out of The Rise School for Pre-K, to try the public Montessori magnet in our old school district, Wilson Elementary. It was a fine arts school, so I thought it would be good for him, but the timing was really about checking it out for Arabella for this coming year.
He missed Rise a lot. Then at the end of the 2nd semester, we moved him to Veritas Christian Academy. He wanted to learn about God, we wanted him to be trained in righteousness, and we knew by then that Wilson Elementary was not going to be a good fit for Arabella.
Holden did great @ Veritas. It was a great little school.

But now that we moved, Veritas is not an option. It's in Bellaire....
We are in Deer Park. It has an 8am arrival with $5 tardies.... We would have to leave home @ 7am to be on time.

So, no matter what, Holden's doing something new. And he doesn't even turn 5 until August 23rd.
At the end of the school year, he was excited about homeschooling....
Now he's asking for school. But he's not the Boss, so I have to decide.

Yikes!

Processing

2008-07-25T09:08:00.001-05:00

So, we had a 'ministry meeting' last night with some Basilica folks,
to discuss the state of the ministry...
I think it was good for me, if not them. We haven't done one in
awhile, and I dreaded it, because I knew I had a lot of confused
feelings toward our church. But since I started trying to express
them, I think it helped me realize a few things.
1. I wore myself out in the 1st 1.5 yrs of Basilica.
2. I thought I was angry with God... But I have prayed about this a
ton, and never really feel like this description fits.... Now I think
that I feel like I've been a disappointment to Him.
3. I am empty and don't know how to refill.

But a positive thing I realized is that drawing people to Christ is
still my only hope.

I'm having a lot of trouble putting myself out there anymore. It's
been really hard to disciple so many who have walked away from Him,
after they really got serious.

It's hard to be a pastor's wife... It feels like everything anyone
says about Basilica is about you. When I hear someone felt neglected
or left out, I internalize it, and worry about how I should have spent
my time.
I am trying to feel satisfied that I answered each time God led me....
But that is hard.

life is beautiful

2008-05-19T15:35:00.000-05:00

How often do you step back and decide how you feel about your life?

I think that I spend a lot of time tweaking my life, knit-picking things I want to improve. Without realizing it, I have not assessed my life, the life of our little family, to decide if I like it or not.

This weekend, Joel, the kids, my mom and I were attending the Clear Lake Down Syndrome support group's spring picnic @ Challenger 7 park. We bumped into my ex-boyfriend, Gabe, swinging his 3-yr old daughter just a few swings over from my Bella.
I haven't seen Gabe since 4-weeks after starting to date Joel. I saw him on the road, and we said hello. That was 8 yrs ago.

What I realized standing there, surrounded by my little troupe and his', is that my life is beautiful.

I am so proud of my husband, that he's a churchplanter, a pastor, an entreprenuir, and a great dad.

My kids are so stinking cute and awesome.

God has assembled my dream life, and I love it!

Praise God from whom all blessings flow.

The Reformed Doctrine Of Predestination

2008-04-10T09:40:00.007-05:00

(Why I am posting this article? In 2004, when I went through the new members class at Kaleo, I first heard in detail the 5 points of Calvinism (this is kinda odd considering that I grew up PCA)... and was shocked by the 5th point - know as limited atonement. When we went to pick up the kids at my mom and dad's that evening, I mentioned this to my dad, and he gave me this article. It is amazing and clear.)

by Loraine Boettner

Chapter XII

Limited Atonement

1. Statement of the Doctrine. 2. The Infinite Value of Christ's Atonement. 3. The Atonement is Limited in Purpose and Application. 4. Christ's Work as a Perfect Fulfillment of the Law. 5. A Ransom. 6. The Divine Purpose in Christ's Sacrifice. 7. The Exclusion of the Non-Elect. 8. The Argument from the Foreknowledge of God. 9. Certain Benefits Which Extend to Mankind In General.

1. STATEMENT OF THE DOCTRINE

The question which we are to discuss under the subject of "Limited Atonement" is, Did Christ offer up Himself a sacrifice for the whole human race, for every individual without distinction or exception; or did His death have special reference to the elect? In other words, was the sacrifice of Christ merely intended to make the salvation of all men possible, or was it intended to render certain the salvation of those who had been given to Him by the Father? Arminians hold that Christ died for all men alike, while Calvinists hold that in the intention and secret plan of God Christ died for the elect only, and that His death had only an incidental reference to others in so far as they are partakers of common grace. The meaning might be brought out more clearly if we used the phrase "Limited Redemption" rather than "Limited Atonement." The Atonement is, of course, strictly an infinite transaction; the limitation comes in, theologically, in the application of the benefits of the atonement, that is in redemption. But since the phrase "Limited Atonement" has become well established in theological usage and its meaning is well known we shall continue to use it.

Concerning this doctrine the Westminster Confession says: ". . . Wherefore they who are elected being fallen in Adam, are redeemed in Christ, are effectually called unto faith in Christ by His Spirit working in due season; are justified, adopted, sanctified, and kept by His power through faith unto salvation. Neither are any other redeemed by Christ, effectually called, justified, adopted, sanctified, and saved, but the elect only." [Ch. III, Sec. 4.]

It will be seen at once that this doctrine necessarily follows from the doctrine of election. If from eternity God has planned to save one portion of the human race and not another, it seems to be a contradiction to say that His work has equal reference to both portions, or that He sent His Son to die for those whom He had predetermined not to save, as truly as, and in the same sense that He was sent to die for those whom He had chosen for salvation. These two doctrines must stand or fall together. We cannot logically accept one and reject the other. If God has elected some and not others to eternal life, then plainly the primary purpose of Christ's work was to redeem the elect.

2. THE INFINITE VALUE OF CHRIST'S ATONEMENT

This doctrine does not mean that any limit can be set to the value or power of the atonement which Christ made. The value of the atonement depends upon, and is measured by, the dignity of the person making it; and since Christ suffered as a Divine-human person the value of His suffering was infinite. The Scripture writers tell us plainly that the "Lord of glory" was crucified, 1 Cor. 2:8; that wicked men "killed the Prince of life," Acts 3:15; and that God "purchased" the Church "with His own blood," Acts 20:28. The atonement, therefore, was infinitely meritorious and might have saved every member of the human race had that been God's plan. It was limited only in the sense that it was intended for, and is applied to, particular persons; namely for those who are actually saved.

Some misunderstanding occasionally arises here because of a false assumption that Calvinists teach that Christ suffered so much for one soul, and so much for another, and that He would have suffered more if more were to have been saved. We believe, however, that even if many fewer of the human race were to have been pardoned and saved, an atonement of infinite value would have been necessary in order to have secured for them these blessings; and though many more, or even all men were to have been pardoned and saved, the sacrifice of Christ would have been amply sufficient as the ground or basis of their salvation. Just as it is necessary for the sun to give off as much heat if only one plant is to grow upon the earth as if the earth is to be covered with vegetation, so it was necessary for Christ to suffer as much if only one soul was to be saved as if a large number or even all mankind were to be saved. Since the sinner had offended against a Person of infinite dignity, and had been sentenced to suffer eternally, nothing but a sacrifice of infinite value could atone for him. No one assumes that since the sin of Adam was the ground for the condemnation of the race, he sinned so much for one man and much for another and would have sinned more if there were to have been more sinners. Why then should they make the assumption in regard to the suffering of Christ?

3. THE ATONEMENT IS LIMITED IN PURPOSE AND APPLICATION

While the value of the atonement was sufficient to save all mankind, it was efficient to save only the elect. It is indifferently well adapted to the salvation of one man to that of another, thus making the salvation of every man objectively possible; yet because of subjective difficulties, arising on account of the sinners own inability either to see or appreciate the things of God, only those are saved who are regenerated and sanctified by the Holy Spirit. The reason why God does not apply this grace to all men has not been fully revealed.

When the atonement is made universal its inherent value is destroyed. If it is applied to all men, and if some are lost, the conclusion is that it makes salvation objectively possible for all but that it does not actually save anybody. According to the Arminian theory the atonement has simply made it possible for men to co-operate with divine grace and thus save mselves if they will. But tell us of one cured of disease and yet dying of cancer, and the story will be equally luminous with that of one eased of sin and yet perishing through unbelief. The nature of the atonement settles its extent. If it merely made salvation possible, it applied to all men. If it effectively secured salvation, it had reference only the elect. As Dr. Warfield says, "The things we have to choose between are an atonement of high value, or an atonement of wide extension. The two cannot go together." The work of Christ can be universalized only by evaporating its substance.

Let there be no misunderstanding at this point. The Arminian limits the atonement as certainly as does the Calvinist. The Calvinist limits the extent of it in that he says it does not apply to all persons (although as has already been shown, he believes that it is efficacious for the salvation of the large proportion of the human race); while the Arminian limits the power of it, for he says that in itself it does not actually save anybody. The Calvinist limits it quantitatively, but not qualitatively; the Arminian limits it qualitatively, but not quantitatively. For the Calvinist it is like a narrow bridge which goes all the way across the stream; for the Arminian it is like a great wide bridge which goes only half-way across. As a matter of fact, the Arminian places more severe limitations on the work of Christ than does the Calvinist.

4. CHRIST'S WORK AS A PERFECT FULFILLMENT OF THE LAW

If the benefits of the atonement are universal and unlimited, it must have been what the Arminians represent it to have been merely a sacrifice to t out the curse which rested upon the race through the fall in Adam, a mere substitute for the execution of the law which God in His sovereignty saw fit to accept in lieu of what the sinner was bound to render, and not a perfect satisfaction which fulfilled the demands of justice. It would mean that God no longer demands perfect obedience as He did of Adam, but that He now offers salvation on lower term. God, then, would remove legal obstacles and would accept such faith and evangelical obedience as the person with a graciously restored ability could render if he chose, the Holy Spirit of course aiding in a general way. Thus grace would be extended in that God offers an easier way of salvation He accepts fifty cents on the dollar, so to speak, since the crippled sinner can pay no more.

On the other hand Calvinists hold that the law of perfect obedience which was originally given to Adam was "permanent, that God has never done anything which would convey the impression that the law was too rigid in its requirements, or too severe in its penalty, or that it stood in need either of abrogation or of derogation. Divine justice demands that the sinner shall be punished, either in himself or in his substitute. We hold that Christ acted in a strictly substitutionary way for His people, that He made a full satisfaction for their sins, thus blotting out the curse from Adam and all their temporal sins; and that by His sinless life He perfectly kept for them the law which Adam had broken, thus earning for His people the reward of eternal life. We believe that the requirement for salvation now as originally is perfect obedience, that the merits of Christ are imputed to His people as the only basis of their salvation, and that they enter heaven clothed only with the cloak of His perfect righteousness and utterly destitute of any merit properly their own. Thus grace, pure grace, is extended not in lowering the requirements for salvation but in the substitution of Christ for His people. He took their place before the law and did for them what they could not do for themselves. This Calvinistic principle is fitted in every way to impress upon us the absolute perfection and unchangeable obligation of the law which was originally given to Adam. It is not relaxed or set aside, but is fittingly honored so that its excellence is shown. In behalf of those who are saved, for whom Christ acted, and in behalf of those who are subjected to everlasting punishment, the law in its majesty is enforced and executed.

If the Arminian theory were true it would follow that millions of those for whom Christ died are finally lost, and that salvation is thus never applied to many of those for whom it was earned. What benefits, for instance, can we point to in the lives of the heathens and say that they have received them from the atonement? It would also follow that God's plans many times have been thwarted and defeated by His creatures and that while He may do according to His will in the armies of heaven, He does not do so among the inhabitants of the earth.

"The sin of Adam," says Charles Hodge, "did not make the condemnation of all men merely possible; it was the ground of their actual condemnation. So the righteousness of Christ did not make the salvation of men merely possible, it secured the actual salvation of those for whom He wrought."

The great Baptist preacher Charles H. Spurgeon said: "If Christ has died for you, you can never be lost. God will not punish twice for one thing. If God punished Christ for your sins He will not punish you. 'Payment God's justice cannot twice demand; first, at the bleeding Saviour's hand, and then again at mine.' How can God be just if he punished Christ, the substitute, and then man himself afterwards?"

5. A RANSOM

Christ is said to have been a ransom for his people "The Son of man came not to be ministered unto but to minister, and to give His life a ransom for many," Matthew 20:28. Notice, this verse does not say that He gave His life a ransom for all, but for many. The nature of a ransom is such that when paid and accepted it automatically frees the persons for whom it was intended. Otherwise it would not be a true ransom. Justice demands that those for whom it is paid shall be freed from any further obligation. If the suffering and death of Christ was a ransom for all men rather than for the elect only, then the merits of His work must be communicated to all alike and the penalty of eternal punishment cannot be justly inflicted on any. God would be unjust if He demanded this extreme penalty twice over, first from the substitute and then from the persons themselves. The conclusion then is that the atonement of Christ does not extend to all men but that it is limited to those for whom He stood surety; that is, to those who compose His true Church.

6. THE DIVINE PURPOSE IN CHRIST'S SACRIFICE

If Christ's death was intended to save all men, then we must say that God was either unable or unwilling to carry out His plans. But since the work of God is always efficient, those for whom atonement was made and those who are actually saved must be the same people. Arminians suppose that the purposes of God are mutable, and that His purposes may fail. In saying that He sent His Son to redeem all men, but that after seeing that such a plan could not be carried out He "elected" those whom He foresaw would have faith and repent, they represent Him as willing what never takes place, as suspending His purposes and plans upon the volitions and actions of creatures who are totally dependent on Him. No rational being who has the wisdom and power to carry out his plans intends what he never accomplishes or adopts plans for an end which is never attained. Much less would God, whose wisdom and power are infinite, work in this manner. We may rest assured that if some men are lost God never purposed their salvation, and never devised and put into operation means designed to accomplish that end.

Jesus Himself limited the purpose of His death when He said, "I lay down my life for the sheep." If, therefore, He laid down His life for the sheep, the atoning character of His work was not universal. On another occasion He said to the Pharisees, "Ye are not my sheep;" and again, "Ye are of your father the Devil." Will anyone maintain that He laid down His life for these, seeing that He so pointedly excludes them? The angel which appeared to Joseph told him that Mary's son was to be called JESUS, because His mission in the world was to save His people from their sins. He then came not merely to make salvation possible but actually to save His people; and what He came to do we may confidently expect Him to have accomplished.

Since the work of God is never in vain, those who are chosen by the Father, those who are redeemed by the Son, and those who are sanctified by the Holy Spirit, or in other words, election, redemption and sanctification, must include the same persons. The Arminian doctrine of a universal atonement makes these unequal and thereby destroys the perfect harmony within the Trinity. Universal redemption means universal salvation.

Christ declared that the elect and the redeemed were the same people when in the intercessory prayer He said. "Thine they were, and thou gavest them to me," and "I pray for them: I pray not for the world, but for those whom thou hast given me; for they are thine: and all things that are mine are thine, and thine are mine; and I am glorified in them," John 17:6, 9, 10. And again, "I am the good shepherd; and I know my own, and mine own know me, even as the Father knoweth me, and I know the Father; and I lay down my life for the sheep," John 10:14, 15. The same teaching is found when we are told to "feed the Church of the Lord which He purchased with His own blood," Acts 20:28. We are told that "Christ loved the Church, and gave Himself for it," Ephesians 5:25; and that He laid down His life for His friends, John 15:13. Christ died for such as were Paul and John, not for such as were Pharaoh and Judas, who were" goats and not sheep. We cannot say that His death was intended for all unless we say that Pharaoh, Judas, etc., were of the sheep, friends, and Church of Christ.

Furthermore, when it is said that Christ gave His life for His Church, or for His people, we find it impossible to believe that He gave Himself as much for reprobates as for those whom He intended to save. Mankind is divided into two classes and what is distinctly affirmed of one is impliedly denied of the other. In each case something is said of those who belong to one group which is not true of those who belong to the other. When it is said that a man labors and sacrifices health and strength for his children, it is thereby denied that the motive which controls him is mere philanthropy, or that the design he has in view is the good of society. And when it is said that Christ died for His people it is denied that He died equally for all men.

7. THE EXCLUSION OF THE NON-ELECT

It was not, then, a general and indiscriminate love of which all men were equally the objects, but a peculiar, mysterious, infinite love for His elect, which caused God to send His Son into the world to suffer and die. Any theory which denies this great and precious truth, and which would explain away this love as merely indiscriminate benevolence or philanthropy which had all men for its objects, many of whom are allowed to perish, must be un-Scriptural. Christ died not for an unorderly mass, but for His people, His bride, His Church.

A farmer prizes his field. But no one supposes that he cares equally for every plant that grows there, for the "tares" as well as the "wheat." God's field is the world, Matthew 13:38, and he loves it with an exclusive eye to its "good seed," the children of the kingdom, and not the children of the wicked one. It is not the whole of mankind that is equally loved of God and promiscuously redeemed by Christ. God is not necessarily communicative of His goodness, as the sun of its light, or a tree of its cooling shade, which does not choose its objects, but serves all indifferently without variation or distinction. This would be to make God of no more understanding than the sun, which shines not where it pleases, but where it must. He is an understanding person, and has a sovereign right to choose His own objects.

In Genesis we read that God "put enmity" between the seed of the woman and the seed of the serpent. Now who were meant by the seed of the woman and the seed of the serpent? On first thought we might suppose that the seed of the woman meant the entire human race descended from Eve. But in Galatians 3:16 Paul uses this term "seed," and applies it to Christ as an individual. "He saith not, And to seeds, as of many; but as of one, And to thy seed, which is Christ." On further investigation we also find that the seed of the serpent means not literal descendants of the Devil, but those non-elect members of the human race, who partake of his sinful nature. Jesus said of His enemies, "Ye are of your father, the Devil; and the lusts of your father it is your will to do," John 8:44. Paul denounced Elymas the sorcerer as a son of the Devil and an enemy of all righteousness. Judas is even called a devil, John 6:70. So the seed of the woman and the seed of the serpent are each a part of the human race. In other parts of the Scriptures we find that Christ and His people are "one," that He dwells in them and is united with them as the vine and the branches are united. And since at the very beginning God "put enmity" between these two groups, it is plain that He never loved all alike, nor intended to redeem all alike. Universal redemption and God's sentence on the serpent can never go together.

There is also a parallel to be noticed between the high priest of ancient Israel and Christ who is our high priest; for the former, we are told, was a type of the latter. On the great day of atonement the high priest offered sacrifices for the sins of the twelve tribes of Israel. He interceded for them and for them only. Likewise, Christ prayed not for the world but for His people. The intercession of the high priest secured for the Israelites blessings from which all other peoples were excluded; and the intercession of Christ, which also is limited but of a much higher order, shall certainly be efficacious in the highest sense, for Him the Father heard always. Furthermore, it is not necessary that God's mercy shall extend to all men without exception before it can be truly and properly called infinite; for all men taken together would not constitute a multitude strictly and properly infinite. The Scriptures plainly tell us that the Devil and the fallen angels are left outside of His benevolent purposes. But His mercy is infinite in that it rescues the great multitude of His elect from indescribable and eternal sin and misery to indescribable and eternal blessedness.

While the Arminians hold that Christ died equally for all men and that He obtained sufficient grace to enable all men to repent, believe, and persevere, if they win only co-operate with it, they also hold that those who refuse to co-operate shall on that account and through all eternity be punished far more severely than if Christ had never died for them at all. We see that so far in the history of the human race the large proportion of the adult population have failed to co-operate and have thus been allowed to bring upon themselves greater misery than if Christ had never come. Surely a view which permits God's work of redemption to issue in such failure, and which sheds so little glory on the atonement of Christ, cannot be true. Vastly more of God's love and mercy for His people is seen in the Calvinistic doctrines of unconditional election and limited atonement than is seen in the Arminian doctrine of conditional election and unlimited atonement.

8. THE ARGUMENT FROM THE FOREKNOWLEDGE OF GOD

The argument from the foreknowledge of God is of itself sufficient to prove this doctrine. Is not God's mind infinite? Are not His perceptions perfect? Who can believe that He, like a feeble mortal, would "shoot at the convoy without perceiving the individual birds?" Since He knew beforehand who they were that would be saved and the more evangelical Arminians admit that God does have exact foreknowledge of all events He would not have sent Christ intending to save those who he positively foreknew would be lost. For, as Calvin remarks, "Where would have been the consistency of Gods calling to Himself such as He knows will never come?" If a man knows that in an adjoining room there are ten oranges, seven of which are good and three of which are rotten, he does not go into the room expecting to get ten good ones. Or if it is foreknown that out of a group of fifty men to whom invitations to a banquet might be sent a certain ten will not come, the host does not send out invitations expecting those ten as well as the others to accept. They do but deceive themselves who, admitting God's foreknowledge, say that Christ died for all men; for what is that but to attribute folly to Him whose ways are perfect? To represent God as earnestly striving to do what He knows He will not do is to represent Him as acting foolishly.

9. CERTAIN BENEFITS WHICH EXTEND TO MANKIND IN GENERAL

In conclusion let it be said that Calvinists do not deny that mankind in general receive some important benefits from Christ's atonement. Calvinists admit that it arrests the penalty which would have been inflicted upon the whole race because of Adam's sin; that it forms a basis for the preaching of the Gospel and thus introduces many uplifting moral influences into the world and restrains many evil influences. Paul could say to the heathen people of Lystra that God "left not Himself without witness, in that He did good and gave you from heaven rains and fruitful seasons, filling your hearts with food and gladness," Acts 14:17. God makes His sun to shine on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the just and the unjust. Many temporal blessings are thus secured for all men, although these fall short of being sufficient to insure salvation.

Cunningham has stated the belief of Calvinists very clearly in the following paragraph: - "It is not denied by the advocates of particular redemption, or of a limited atonement, that mankind in general, even those who ultimately perish, do derive some advantages or benefits from Christ's death; and no position they hold requires them to deny this. They believe that important benefits have accrued to the whole human race from the death of Christ, and that in these benefits those who are finally impenitent and unbelieving partake. What they deny is, that Christ intended to procure, or did procure, for all men these blessings which are the proper and peculiar fruits of His death, in its specific character as an atonement, that He procured or purchased redemption that in, pardon and reconciliation for all men. Many blessings flow to mankind at large from the death of Christ, collaterally and incidentally, in consequence of the relation in which men, viewed collectively, stand to each other. All these benefits were of course foreseen by God, when He resolved to send His Son into the world; they were contemplated or designed by Him, as what men should receive and enjoy. They are to be regarded and received as bestowed by Him, and as thus unfolding His glory, indicating His character, and actually accomplishing His purposes; and they are to be viewed as coming to men through the channel of Christ's mediation, of His suffering and death." [Historical Theology, II, p. 333.]

There is, then, a certain sense in which Christ died for all men, and we do not reply to the Arminian tenet with an unqualified negative. But what we do maintain is that the death of Christ had special reference to the elect in that it was effectual for their salvation, and that the effects which are produced in others are only incidental to this one great purpose.

Retirement

2008-04-01T23:23:00.002-05:00

Now that I'm sure no one is reading this thing, I can start expressing my opinions...

I'm really opposed to retirement in the Kingdom of God. It goes in complete opposition to God's command NOT to worry about tomorrow.

Luke 12:22-28
Then Jesus said to his disciples: "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?

"Consider how the lilies grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith!

Here's the discussion I had tonight -
Investment-minded Christian: "Invest money now. Let it accrue interest. Then use it for the kingdom later."
Problem: I am not promised there is tomorrow.
Investment-minded Christian: "But you could spend the interest, and multiply the amount you can do with the money."
Problem: God has work to be done NOW. For example, say I have $1,000, which over the next 30 years I could invest and grow to $10,000. Investment logic says I can do 10x as many projects.
Here are the errors I find in that:
1. Growth of the investment is dependent on the market. Interest money has to come from somewhere, so MY $10,000 is coming from SOMEONE ELSE'S SLAVERY TO DEBT. Money is not unlimited - we can't all earn enormous interest without SOMEONE suffering.
2. God is in charge of my TODAY. I am not even guaranteed a tomorrow. Today, there are people who will die of malnutrition, curable diseases without medicine, and lack of clean water.

So, here's my equation with guarantee of return:
$1,000 - invested in God now = may be used by Him to bring water to a whole village (100 lives), maybe used to bring missionaries to teach children (30 children who can now have a trade)
So, if a life is even worth as little as $1,000... I've way exceeded my "possible interest" - and this will happen whether I live or die.

And here's the other benefit: I am kept in reliance on God for my daily bread, keeping me humble and submitted.

Think about it.

Other topics related to this - brief comments:
Debt - I do believe we need to live within our means - I have HATED being a slave to creditors. I can't wait to be single in my allegiance
Insurance - I do think insurance to care for you dependents is a good place to spend money, so they will be debt free upon your death.

Homeschooling

2008-04-01T07:51:00.000-05:00

God has laid it on my heart to homeschool Arabella and Holden next year.
It's kinda weird because, when I felt like homeschooling might be my only option for Holden (at Christmas time), I didn't want to do it. Then we found Veritas Christian Academy for Holden, and I started talking with them about Arabella attending there.
I remember feeling like I'd be devastated if Veritas didn't let Arabella attend there.
Then Arabella started her 3 visitation days at Veritas. And I began to realize that I wanted the privilege I was trying to convince them they wanted - to teach my angel. And I realized that I am looking forward to spending lots of time with Bella as best girls in the post-school years... And I don't want to get there and find her life has been wasted and she has been hurt.
Then I started getting excited. I almost didn't send her to her 3rd visit to Veritas, except that I hadn't worked out logistics.
So when last Monday Veritas told me they did not think they are a good fit for Arabella, I said, "I agree!"

SIMPLIFY
I've been wanting to simplify my life for awhile, mainly, so I can be better at the important things:

Being Joel's wife
training my children
ministering through Basilica

While I think I will be busy homeschooling, I will not be fitting training the children into the last 3, tired, hours of the day.

Down Syndrome info clarification: Obstetrician Petition

2008-02-11T12:46:00.000-06:00

So, I'm co-chair for the Outreach committee for the Greater Clear Lake Families Exploring Down Syndrome... Which means developing/implimenting a plan to get info to Ob/Gyn's.
Instead of describing the problem necessitating this, please read the statement on this petition and sign it!

Seriously famous!

2008-02-09T23:29:00.000-06:00

Just found this one today!

Educating an angel

2008-02-09T07:51:00.000-06:00

So, for those of you who don't have experience with children with disabilities, education is a huge source of stress for parents.
Arabella has been at The Rise School for 6 years - since she was 1 yr old. And I really haven't had to put energy into planning or worrying about curriculum. Rise is for kids with Down syndrome - and they know way more than I do - plus, they love her too.

But in July, Arabella will be done there. So, I have had alot of anxiety over the next place for her to learn. During the month of Dec 2007, I was pretty sure I couldn't find a place I approved of, and I would have to quit work and homeschool - not really ideal for socialization, but a guarantee that she would be loved all day.
Then the day before the Christmas holidays, we found this amazing Christian school for Holden, called Veritas Christian Academy, where Ms. Streger, Bill's mom teaches Pre-K. It fits us so well - small school, missional values... we love it.
And from our first visit, they didn't run from the possibility of discussing Arabella coming there next year.

So, I've had one meeting with the headmaster - very good.
Yesterday, Arabella's Rise School teacher and I had a meeting with the kindergarten teacher at Veritas. It went well. She was open and honest about their apprehensions - mainly, can they meet Arabella's educational needs correctly?

But these meetings always make me want to cry...
Where else in life do you sit down to talk about the things about you that are unfamiliar and awkward to someone else? It's just a weird situation.

More fame for my angel

2008-02-09T07:47:00.000-06:00

I didn't even know about this, but Arabella is the only kid featured on the Texas Children's Down Syndrome clinic website.

And I got to write our story for the DSAH (Down Syndrome Association of Houston) newsletter:

Arabella's stage debut - singing "Tomorrow" from Little Orphan Annie

2008-01-13T15:35:00.000-06:00

2 of my cuties!

2007-12-13T09:17:00.001-06:00

FYI, Arabella LOVES Santa! (Thanks to the movie, Elf)

Triathlon

2007-08-23T09:08:00.000-05:00

So, I've been inspired! My friend Courtney Orrange, in Colorado, just did the Tri for the Cure...
As I watched her blog about training, I kept thinking, "That's crazy!"

But about 2 weeks ago, I started trying to do a rotating exercise schedule of swimming and running. But with no particular goal in mind.

Then I realized that I want to do a sprint triathlon.

So, here I am at 40+ lbs overweight and dreaming of being an athlete!

Contending for Marriage... inspired by seeing ONCE tonight

2007-06-23T22:19:00.000-05:00

About a year ago, a friend called me. She wanted feedback on a decision. She was feeling like she had developed more than friendship feelings for a man other than her husband… she had already discontinued the friendship with this man. But she was trying to figure out if she should tell her husband:
- Why hurt him if she had resolved it?
- Would this be “keeping secrets”?
My initial reaction was “tell him” (her husband), because secrets seem like seeds to grow distance and sin in a marriage. But I also told her I would pray alongside her about this decision.
And in the end, she did not tell him. And her explanation sounded good to me:
Just as we expect our husbands to take every thought captive in obedience to Christ, but we don’t need a “report” on them doing this. So, as long as it had been halted at the temptation stage, without sin involved, there was no reason to hurt her husband by this information.

I think this is a really valuable experience for me to have shared – seeing how important it is to not just “be faithful” but to identify things that threaten your marriage – and stop them.

Recently, I feel like I am bombarded by a mind-set that I believe threatens marriage. I don’t know a name to call it, just a description:

In some recent episodes of Grey's Anatomy, a married person has a very compelling connection with someone who is NOT their spouse. As George fought emotions he felt for Izzie, while being married to Callie, I found myself rooting for the romantic immediate gratification, rather than the commitment to the marriage covenant. In fact, it made me think, “Poor George – too bad he’s married.”

This seems to be the tension put forth in many shows and movies – is marriage a bondage that should be broken for personal gratification?

I felt so frustrated by this also in In the Land of Women, where Meg Ryan is struggling with a mid-life crisis… and makes friends with the young guy visiting his grandmother across the street. They walk the dog together, talk about life. And somehow, this walking-the-dog friendship becomes more meaningful than that of her husband – and they kiss.

We all seem to realize that the pressure to be perfect physically is on women today. But do we realize the threat that this message is to our marriages?

Tonight, this tension came up again in a really good movie, Once. And, if you haven't seen it yet, you may not wanna read the rest of the blog... up to you.

The great thing about the movie ONCE was that while it brought up the same tension - intimate friendship between a married woman and a guy who was not her husband - it was resolve in a marriage-honoring way. I will highly recommend the movie, ONCE. Good music, really good story.

What I don’t like, though, is that while the characters make the honorable choices, I still left with the feeling that they missed out.
In fact, when I finally saw the husband of the married girl in the final scene of the movie, I realized that I had pictured an ogre – someone “unworthy” of marriage - to justify that I wanted his wife to do what seemed best in the moment. While the morally right thing happened, I wanted the girl to have experienced the potential love affair, even if it had cost her everything.

I don’t like this de-sensitization and glamorization of relationships outside of marriage. Maybe that’s why The Notebook is one of my favorites – as much as dementia depresses me, the movie shows a beautiful depiction of a husband loving a wife even when she is hard to love and could be easily left.

I intend to beat the odds (60% divorce rate WITHIN the church) and I want to be realistic about the forces working against US. I am just realizing that message I have taken pleasure in watching could be planting self-centeredness and self-gratifying POISON within me.

My article about DisPlace Me for the UBA (Union Baptist Association) newsletter

2007-06-06T16:20:00.001-05:00

Taking a chance...

2007-04-30T19:30:00.000-05:00

Man, I haven't really blogged in so long... except the little public-service announcements below...
I think I'll take a chance that no one really reads this, and I can say what I feel...maybe for the eyes of those far away who love me from afar.

I'm in a funk. Not a "had-a-bad-day" funk, but a lost funk. I just found myself - my super-obsessive-compulsive-clean-til-you-drop-or-it-is-done (and it's never done) self - standing in the laundry room, staring at the laundry in the dryer thinking, "why bother?"

I'm tired.

I'm a little confused.

I'm frustrated. I thought that when it all came together with Basilica, I would feel relieved. Instead, I feel left out. Like I've spent to much time putting it all together to be included.

Man, why can't I ever just be content?

My experience at DisPlace Me 2007

2007-04-30T14:44:00.000-05:00

So, I just returned late last night from a tiring weekend at Displace Me in Austin.

I would write a narrative of my experience, but fortunately, a Houston Chronicle reporter ended up camping out with Jessica and I, and his writing is much better than mine!

And you can go see pictures at my Flickr.

Invisible Children of Uganda

2007-03-29T13:13:00.000-05:00

In 2006, some random nobodies like us went Uganda to find out the story behind the Civil War and the use of children as KILLERS! The movie " Invisible Children" has been used to get the word out about the children who leave their home every night to sleep in the city SO THEY WON'T BE ABDUCTED FROM THEIR HOME.
Since the movie came out, alot of progress has been made... but the children still do not have their home.

In 30 days, on APRIL 28, there will be a gathering called DisPlace Me.

"Displace Me" is the nationwide event giving Americans the chance to respond.

By traveling to one of 15 camps and gathering together, the strength of our size will make a visible statement to our government and media that the citizens of the U.S. demand action in ending the war in Northern Uganda, in order to send the Acholi people suffering in the camps and the abducted children back home. The point is to travel; the point is to become displaced yourself.

Saturday, April 28, 2007 say "Displace Me" and leave your homes to bring them home.
The closest camp is in Austin. I will be going. Join me.

Cleaning out

2006-11-25T05:17:00.000-06:00

Wow, I have felt behind by about a week since we got Darin last summer. There are always about 5 things that I feel like I should have done, but I have NOT done.
Over the past 2 weeks, this list of things has finally been getting done.

The first was cleaning out my laundry room. In a tiny house such as mine (1000 s.f. + 5 people), every inch matters and a messy space = a messy mind. As things piled into the laundry room, I started to feel chaotic and slobbish. Last week, I finally had time to get that mess OUT!
Holden has been eying the hand-me-down Sunday School curriculum that my mom graciously brought us from Faith Community church. But, with all the other areas of Basilica to organize, I never seem to be ready for the kids on Sunday night. Finally, last week, I was able to get all the lessons sorted, make a plan for how to utilize what we were given to teach my little ones (1,3,5 yrs) and Charity (7 yrs). It was really exciting to count backwards from Christmas to do lessons that will lead right into the miraculous birth of our Savior! I told Holden all day Sunday that we would be learning about Joseph - he remembered and drug me out of the service to start his lesson. It is great to have a hungry mind to feed.
Then, yesterday, Joel and I spent the WHOLE day cleaning out our garage. That place had become the overflow capital of the world. It has 700 s.f., so it can be a huge asset. But it had become HORRIBLY dirty and full of waste. I did it "Clean Sweep" style, pulling everything out into the yard, then only reloading the garage with things that should be out there.

Now my next step of progress with be to tackle the photo bag with all my memories of the past 3 years of Holden and Arabella, and last year of Darin. I am supposed to keep a "Lifebook" for Darin, so he has more in an album than Holden - a point of guilt for me. I don't want to give Holden any reason for "middle kid angst". So, hopefully, I will get organized and start working on a photo album for at least his first year or two.

It makes me feel kinda OCD to worry about all these details so much. But I don't want to end up with a box of memories that I can't look at, a house I am embarassed to entertain in, and a life to cluttered to be useful. Just who I am, I guess.

Thanksgiving

2006-11-23T09:05:00.000-06:00

So, Joel ask me to post about thanksgiving along side of him... I don't why I would accept an invitation from someone so eloquent. But here I am.

My life is so abundant, it is hard to begin with what I am thankful for. I find myself in the midst of REAL life - the part of it we all wait for.

I am married to my best friend. As I spend more and more time with young, unmarried girls, I am more and more thankful for Joel. As much as he provides companionship, he also provides a security and sense of belonging that we all long for. I can speak confidently into people's lives without having the shadow their judgement causing me to hesitate - my value comes from the Lord, and many times through what the Lord has made Joel feel for me.
I have 3 AMAZING babies. Throughout life, I tried to figure out why I had different experiences with people with disabilities. Honestly, I usually concluded that I would be getting a disability eventually. But to my gracious surprise, I am blessed to have Arabella and Darin. I adore them. I love the promise of more and more snuggles to come throughout their life. I love that we will tackle challenges as a unified force. Then there's my wild man, Holden. Man, I love that kid. His mind is so expansive it overwhelms me. He remembers EVERYTHING we say, and he can transfer that information into new situations as needed.
Family. Truthfully, I always pictured doing work for the Lord in a foreign country. Family-wise, this is equivalent to doing work in a lab - they can't see the task or be a part of it; and any insight they may have would be from afar. My personal solution to leaving them out was to take them with me - what better model of the Church than the family. But even now, I am experiencing the best of both worlds: God is having us do work right in the place where we have family. We are able to experience their support (THANKS - mom, dad, Mimi, Glenn, Marcia, Tim and Nathan) without uprooting all of them. I know God will always provide what we need to do His work, but it is very nice to have those provisions come through our Family.
My BasiliGirls. College was the Glory Days of girl-friendships. You have lots of time to invest in friendships, and you are in a place to discover what type of friend you want to be. I never thought I would have a really close group of girlfriends again. In the girls who have come together around Basilica, I have found companionship and challenge.
Precepts. I have longed to know the Bible - but truthfully, I did not. I didn't know how get the information into my head in a way I could actually apply it. Precepts Bible Study method is showing me the way. I think that I am beginning to grasp issues in the Bible I have only heard great men of God talk about before.

Lord, thank you for life. It is more abundant than I could have EVERY planned or imagined.

The Lord is Gracious and Compassionate

2006-11-02T11:12:00.000-06:00

Today, I woke up wanting to hear a certain song.
Once I started listening (on repeat), my mind went back to one of the first times I listened to this song.
In early March 2001, just a few weeks after Joel and I got married, we went for our 2nd ultrasound of baby Arabella. I think she was gestationally 10-11 weeks old... they had this ultrasound because my first one had (at 7-8 weeks) showed low amniotic fluid. So, during this ultrasound, the Ultrasound Technician said the amniotic fluid looked fine, and she gave us pictures of the developing baby in my womb.
Since Joel and I both had to go to work, we quickly checked out; then the Tech stopped us and said I needed to talk to the doctor before we left. I sent Joel to get the car, and went to see Dr. Joi Findley-Smith.
She came into the room... it's kinda blurry after that, but she said something like, "The baby has a nucle-thickening on it's neck... may indicate a trisomy, which is an extra chromosome... usually not viable with life... Down Syndrome is Trisomy 21... most of the trisomies don't live to be born, or they die soon after birth... you should probably consider terminating... baby might just terminate itself."
At that point, I paged Joel with "911" and fought back tears.
All the doctor did was schedule me for a visit with the perinatologist (pre-birth baby doctor) for a high-risk ultrasound and testing... and she sent us on our way.

I felt shattered. Not because of the trisomy possibility. Because I did not know if the child growing inside of me was dead or alive, and I had NO POWER to affect that.
We drove home, numb zombies.
Then I crawled into bed and wept. I mourned the baby that I had dreamt of my whole life, who may now be dead within me. It was horrible.

And then the healing began.

My beautiful new leader, Joel, came into the room. He pulled me out of bed, carried me into the living room of our little apartment, and put on this song. And while I wept and shook in anguish, he anointed my belly, my forehead, and he prayed for our Arabella.

She is our beautiful altar of grace. He, Yahweh, the most high GOD, is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger, and rich in love. In the midst of our sin, He knit together our angel.

The Basilica in a new location

2006-09-18T14:12:00.000-05:00

So, we have been working on planting this church for over a year now. Sometimes it feels good, sometimes exhausting, sometimes completely defeating. Overall, I have grown alot from the challenge of ministering the LOVE of God and the Gospel outside the safe confines of an established ministry.

My favorite part for the past 4 months has been Girl's Night Out which gradually shifted to Girl's Bible Study. I have watched young woman battle the tempation to be click-ish and caddy, to have real relationships that help each other get close to God.

But yesterday topped even that!
Yesterday, we moved from meeting in a sunday school room at another church on Saturday afternoon (terrible timing, awkward location) to a building that houses the Baptist Student Ministry for San Jacinto College Central Campus. The building is not huge, but is very good for our size. And we have put a LOT of work into customizing the space (portably - to be redone each week!) to create an atmosphere of worship that reflects our personal style.

But, that is not the main part that I loved about yesterday:
Yesterday, I saw that the Basilica Community has become a body of Christ. More than a group of consumers coming to "get some teaching", I was able to see different parts functioning where they were gifted.
You see, we had a "planning meeting" last Sunday, and in my dis-organized oversight, I forgot to arrange anyone to help set up this first Sunday. Honestly, sometimes I like to work out details before I present things to a group, but mostly I forgot.
So, when Jessica & I arrived at the BSM an hour late (3pm) and only 2.5 hours before the meal (at 5:30pm), I was SOOOO thankful to be greeted by Jody & Charisa. Then, rolls in the rest of band, Mat. And pops in Andy... followed by Tim, Elisabeth, Dave...

I would never have asked so many people to help. And yet, without each of their hands, we would not have been able to get it all ready.

Thanks, my Basili-babes and dudes!
Love,
Heather

Joy

2006-08-04T00:44:00.000-05:00

You can never leave a post titled "Down" as the last post for long...

Since last night, I have experienced a whole lot of love. If you read the comments on the last post, you will see some of it.
Today was my 29th birthday. I have not received so many "happy birthdays" in a long time. Tonight, I had a wonderful dinner with many friends. It is hard to stay blue in the midst of that.
Thank you Lord for community... I see why you designed us to work together; we are healing to each other.

Much love to all of you.

Down...

2006-08-02T22:52:00.000-05:00

I'm pretty down right now. And I feel bad about being down.
Honestly, I love each part of my life... being a wife, being a mom, being a churchplanter, being a case manager.
But I can't handle doing them all mediocre. I am falling apart.
The worst part is the lack of options. I don't know of a break from any of them...

Tonight, people were at my house, which normal energizes me, and really it just frustrated me... I need about 48 hours of alone, getting caught up time; then I need 48 hours to re-connect with my husband, who I am being a total jerk to; then I need about a year to figure out the educational strategy for each of my kids and all the special therapies and supplements that will help them develop the best.

The only idea I have is to check out for a month - simply stop participating in life outside my home. I started working on this about a week ago when I felt the darkness closing in. I have asked some of my princesses to take on some of the responsibility of Girl's Night Out which is hard for me to do since I LOVE IT, and I am seeing real relationships develop between the girls.

God, I have to take my hands out of it, and count on You to hold it all together. I can't anymore.

Most pathetic thing is tomorrow is my birthday, and I am so overwhelmed that my birthday dinner feels like a burden. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day...

And Tammi moves to Nairobi on Monday.

Training in godliness (do I actually have to work?)

2006-07-03T22:38:00.000-05:00

So, now that I got my garden-bragging out, I can return to the real purpose for this blog - honest spiritual sharing.

I feel like I may be the most bi-polar person in relating to God. How I view Him is frequently grounded in emotion, and not in reality!
I am really beginning to understand the purpose of spiritual discipline or disciplines. "Disciplines" are known historically as activities that people do to draw close to God, such as prayer, meditation, scripture memory, and fasting. And "discipline" is the training to become a disciple, a person who acts like Christ. These activities are not the "list of rules" that makes you righteous. But they are ways to draw close to God when you don't "feel it".

Prayer
One of my favorite authors, Lauren Winner, of Girl meets God talks about the discipline of praying in her book Mudhouse Sabbath. The context is a discussion of using a Book of Common Prayers or praying the Psalms or scripture. I started reading this chapter thinking, "I would never read someone else's prayers... they don't reflect ME!"
But Lauren shared how she uses these tools. She explained that when your heart does not know what to ask God, and when you do not feel like you what to relate to Him, reading Biblical, theologically sound words to God can change YOU! and ensure you are relating to Him in an honoring way.

I need some structure in my relationship with God right now. At the beginning of Lent, I started running 2-3 times a week as a time for prayer. This was great for my body, and offered me a consistent time alone with God away from distractions. Then, May came, we became alot busier with the start of Basilica, it got HOT, and I haven't run in weeks. Of course, my prayers did not cease, but they shifted to a disorganized, segmented mess, with alot less intercession, and alot less scripture - they have been reduced to mostly giving God an update on where I stand at this point.

Joel referred to John Piper's statement on prayer in one of his sermons. My summary: we use prayer too often as a request for "room service" to "come fluff our pillows" instead of as a "walky-talky" to "the commander" asking for reinforcements or new orders or status of the battle.
I need to hear from my Commander. I need to take the time to listen.

Study
The thing I am the most thankful for keeping me in contact with God right now is Precepts. In early spring, Kelly and I participated in a Precepts bible study at HFBC on Leviticus. Now we are in the midst of II Kings.

Honestly, although I definitely believe every word in the Bible, every story, every book, was ordained by God to reflect Him, I never really got Leviticus. Actually, too much of my time as a Christian (going on 9 years) has been spent celebrating my freedom from the Law. For, "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.", right?

The study of Leviticus, beginning with the sacrifices in chapters 1-7, has reshaped my view of God. I never really understood the character of God enough to appreciate the blood sacrifice of Christ. I never really believed that God required RIGHTEOUSNESS.

This study has awaken a hunger in me to consume the Old Testament. It is amazing to see the choices of the Isrealites, to form an opinion of them, then realize I am doing the same thing they did. Today, as I read Exodus 16, where God begins His daily provision of manna for the Isrealites, several things stood out to me:

God responded to their complaining lovingly with food, even though He could have easily pointed back to the parting of the Red Sea and been angry that they so quickly forgot that He saved them with an amazing miracle.
God's provision was precise. It says that they were told to gather a certain amount per member of their house, and those who gathered too little had the right amount as did those who gathered more.

But here is the most convicting part - this miracle was with them THROUGHOUT their time in the wilderness. So, when they built a Golden Calf as an idol, they had just woken up and eaten of the provision of God... then they decided He didn't deserve their worship, and tried to replace Him.

Man, I feel that. I can't deny that God is the provider for our family. The economics of our life are unique and amazing. But then I turn to away from God and complain.

Discipline
So, if you have read this far, maybe you are ready for a discussion. Here is my question:

What is right attitude or approach to take toward training as a disciple of Christ?

Here are beginning thoughts for the conversation...

I Tim 4:7-8 "Rather, train yourself in godliness, for the training of the body has a limited benefit, but godliness is beneficial in every way, since it holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come." - and Joel's sermon touching on this topic.
During my junior high/Disciple Now years, the idea of a "quiet time" was pushed. But for a list-maker like me, it is easy to put this on my list of things to do, check it off, but not actually interact with God. Having a structured list for pursuing God feels like I am trying to make myself righteous through the Law (ie: I did this, I did that, I am so great)
But on the opposite extreme, I have been a part of a busy generation of young adults who bask in freedom - freedom to decorate our bodies, freedom to worship at different times of day, freedom to worship through art. We don't have any certain standard for pursuing God, so it is hard to know how to encourage our sisters/brothers in their pursuit. We don't assume that they are the bible study type, or the scripture memory type, or that they are the journaling type.
So, how do we "train in godliness" without legalism (ie "You must...") but with accountability and encouragement?

Growing stuff

2006-07-03T22:17:00.000-05:00

This April, I had the impulsive idea that Holden and I should plant a garden. It sounded like a fun idea. Actually, Tammi started my thinking about it when she casually dropped off a book called Square-foot Gardening. I tried to figure out why she would think that I had time to, or interest in gardening. But as this urge came to me, I was excited to have a place to begin.
The technique in the book focused on planting a 4' x 4' square with a certain ratio of each plant filling up a 1' x 1' section. I decided to do it along my fence (which is iron covered with a wire mesh) so that I could have a big climbing area.

Now, this turned out to be a much bigger, expensive project than the book said it would be.
1. First, they didn't have our soil. The location I picked used to be a gravel driveway, so I had to till up the soil and sort out lots of rocks.
2. Then I had to buy a ton of manure, potting soil, and other health soil stuff to give the plants a fighting chance in our gumbo soil.
3. Then I had to build a frame to define thearea that is the garden.

But after all the prep was done, Holden was very excited. We took turns putting the seeds in the holes, and we watered like crazy every day.

And stuff actually GREW!
Specifically, we planted:

Tomatoes
String beans
Cucumbers
Watermelon
Green peppers
Squash
Rosemary
Spinach

This is all really written to show our crowning achievement - the melon!

Tears

2006-05-16T12:38:00.000-05:00

Moments after my last post, I experience a great sense of loss... first, I was referred to a blog through my good friend Kevin - the blog of a mom who has suffered the loss of a child. And as I was reading her amazingly-vulnerable post about the grieving of this loss, I received a phone call. Here is the story of the phone call:
About a month ago, I went to the home of one of my participant's for my work. I visit each of them Quarterly, but I didn't really need to do this visit, because this young man was leaving my program at the end of the month. So, there wasn't really any point in the visit, except to have the paperwork in my file showing that I did my job.

I have only been to this home once before, in January with my boss, who was the previous Case Manager. I didn't know anything about the family outside of the stories told by pictures on the wall.

On this particular day in April, I arrived after school was out, so I could meet the son (my participant). And as I arrived, his older sister was getting ready to leave the house, moving between the kitchen and the living room. I had seen her in the pictures on the prior visit, but had not met her... and I wasn't sure of her age.
But looking at the pictures on the wall, I thought she was in high school or early college. And I noticed she was pregnant.
I made small talk, asking some silly question I can't recall. And mom said, "Yeah, she looks a little different than in that picture, since she is very pregnant." I said, "I noticed that. How far along?" since it seemed like an obvious observations. But the next part of the conversation was amazing.
Mom replied, "She is 36 weeks. And she is giving the baby up for adoption."

Immediately, I realized that they had just shared some sacred information with me. They looked anxious to see a reaction.

I asked, "What agency will you be using?"
And what they shared touched my heart. Through the youth minister at their church, they had found New Life, our adoption agency. The daughter left for her doctor's appointment, and mom shared the journey to this point in life. It is too private to fully reveal here, but I will share the ending. Mom said, "We got to meet the to-be adoptive parents yesterday. Here is their profile." And she showed me pictures of 2 people I know from a previous job, a beautiful Christian couple I had known to be shattered by infertility, and trusting God to bring them a child through adoption. I was so excited.

I went home and emailed the potential adoptive mom, my former co-worker. I shared our adoption stories, the adventure of loving and losing Brooklyn, and the beautiful relationship development with Darin's mom. And we emailed a few times that day.

Jump forward to today:
So my (former) participant's mom just called to share the rest of the story with me. First of all, I feel blessed to receive that phone call. Second, here is the beauty:

On last Friday, May 12, at full-term, the birthmom decided she wanted to be induced to deliver the baby. Her totally unselfish goal in this date was to hand over the new baby after the mandatory 48-hour waiting period on Sunday = MOTHER's DAY.
In the midst of making the hardest decision of her life, this beautiful girl THOUGHT OF SOMEONE ELSE! It is amazing. I can't imagine that clarity, that love.

Please pray for her now, as she cries to sleep for the past two nights, with arms that long for a baby she has given as a gift to my friends. Pray for her as she graduates, and goes to college, with a secret loss that she is too ashamed to share with those around her.
The gift of your child is the biggest sacrifice you could give someone. God gave his for me.

2006-05-16T11:18:00.000-05:00

I have so much to talk about, I don't know how to begin...

the Basilica Community

In case you didn't realize, Basilica started having a service 2 weeks ago... since some of our members love MySpace, they created a page and we are taking turns blogging about the service each week.

Reflections from 2 weeks of churchplanting

After months of planning, strategizing, praying, hoping, dreaming, guessing, we finally had a service on May 6. After this service was over, I realized one major thing:

We have to do this all over again next week.

There are many levels to this realization, but on the most raw level, I realized that the tiredness I felt, and pressure to get it all together for Saturday, would be repeated NEXT Saturday.

But actually, throughout the week after that first service, I realized that most of the work was done for another week, and Joel and Jessica would be doing most of the preparation for each week's services by preparing the music and the message.

Then my mind began to grasp what the main task would be for all of us now that a service had been successfully executed:

People. Loving people, demonstrating Christ to people, being the Church to people, spending time with people.

You see, there are HUNDREDS of "churches" for people to attend services at each weekend. And although the music may differ, and the time of day may be different, all church services contain similar elements - music to worship the Lord, prayer to communicate with Him, and a message challenging the people to live by faith in God.
And most of us think of this as "being a part of church".

But, when Joel received the call to plan a new church in Southeast Houston, we began to pray and observe the people God is calling us to reach out to... and these people are not becoming a part of the Body of Christ through a service.

How is Basilica going to reach people?
- NOT by simply inviting them to a service and expecting them to come on their own - they've been there, done that, and it didn't make a difference in their life. They were still on their own, but now they had people putting expectations on them.

I feel very strongly that Basilica will only be able to reach people the way Jesus did
- by going to where they are
- by spending time with them
- by demonstrating a new life in His Kingdom through a different way of living and everyday examples

This is intense, time-consuming stuff.... very exciting!

Where do we begin, though - in a practical way?

Making time for people more than ever... seeking them out, pursuing them, spending time talking about what is important to them, loving the, serving them, in ways that are above and beyond what most people do

Oh, wow, that's the same stuff you should be doing... I guess we are all missionaries.

Spiritual warfare

2006-04-14T08:14:00.000-05:00

My opinions/beliefs on spiritual warfare began to develop in the summer of 1999. At Camp Barnabas, we had some events that I can't recall very clearly, except to say that they shook up some people, and made them afraid, and disjointed our staff. These events related to the presence of demons, the devil, or workers of Satan, in our midst. And how to handle this as a Christian.

After that summer, until I returned as Women's Director in summer 2000, I worked steadily to create a framework of God to determine how to handle spiritual warfare. This framework was developed into a bible study that we explored during summer 2000 at Camp Barnabas. And I haven't done much with it since. But it helps me to determine how to view situations.

Today, I found this quote that sums up what I spent a year on:

"Prayer should never be understood primarily in terms of power but rather as relating to God who is the source of all power. The difference between the two is significant. If prayer is understood as power, Christians will readily seek power words or rituals rather than personally relating to a sovereign God and waiting for him to act in his own time. Likewise, these understandings help us comprehend the nature of spiritual warfare. Spiritual warfare is not about fighting Satan; he has been defeated by the triumphal resurrection of Jesus Christ. Spiritual warfare rather is standing firm in Christ’s mighty power. It is accepting God’s victory through Christ by faith and allowing God’s redemptive power to work through Christ." (Van Rheenen, "Power, Theology of," Evangelical Dictionary of World Missions, 2000:776-778)

It has never made sense to me to "rebuke Satan" for it is written:

"But even the archangel Michael, when he was disputing with the devil about the body of Moses, did not dare to bring a slanderous accusation against him, but said, "The Lord rebuke you!" Yet these men speak abusively against whatever they do not understand; and what things they do understand by instinct, like unreasoning animals—these are the very things that destroy them." (Jude 9-10)

I have a picture in my head, that I look at to help me figure out how things work:

The battlefield is earth, a land ruled by Satan.
The army of Satan is holding people under their dominion as blind slaves.
2 Cor4:4 "Regarding them: the god of this age has blinded the minds of the unbelievers so they cannot see the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God.
We are freed from this slavery, and our eyes are opened to the situation
Col 1:13 "He has rescued us from the domain of darkness and transferred us into the kingdom of the Son He loves"
Now, when we need direction, we COMMUNICATE, not with our captors, but with HIM WHO HAS FREED US, the commander of the Lord's army.

Growth

2006-03-29T18:14:00.000-06:00

I would like to get back to why I wanted this blog, to honestly share what I am learning, and hear from my friends...

For about 2 months, I have been forced to view God in a whole new light. Starting with the Kaleo retreat focused on PRAYER, I began to realize for the first time what an amazing thing it is that God, who created all, is in all, and holds all things in His hand, will allow me to communicate with Him.
Then, I started a Bible study with Kelly B. on Leviticus, which has continued to illuminate this for me.

I am realizing that most of my walk with God (going on 9 years now), has been with shallow faith. I pray safe and predictable prayers that I am fairly certain I know the answer to before speaking them. And I reflect God to others in a dishonoring way.
Most of the time, I "respect" other's readiness to hear about God, feel like I have be intellectually prepared for sharing Him, and tiptoe around sin as if it is not that bad.

THIS IS WRONG.

In looking at the sacrificial system set up by God in Leviticus, I don't see a God who lets people come to Him on their terms. His system was precise, and intentional, and did not leave itself up for interpretation. In fact, in Lev 10, Aaron's sons offered "strange fire" to God, and were killed instantly. Then, in I Sam 2:11-3:11, Eli's sons defile the temple, are killed, and the priesthood is removed from their family. In I Sam 14:26, Saul's kingship is removed since he performed the sacrifices in a different way than God prescribed.

My relationship with God is often guided by a picture in my head. I often pray, picturing where in the battle of the Lord I see someone.

Here is the newest picture.

God as KING. And like the king in Esther, anyone who enters His presence is placing their life in His hands.
Us as SERVANTS/SLAVES, someone whose life has been rescued from the enemy land. I converse with Him by using the name of His son to gain entrance into the throne-room without being judged for my own work for the enemy.
Life as WORK FOR THE LORD.... follow me here.
- If I work for Him, I worry the most if He is satisfied by how my day is spent.
- If I work for Him, I hold the others I have seen come into His presence in the name of the Lord to a high standard.
- Their sin is offensive to the God I serve... it is not a joke, a phase. It is deadly. A holy God must be approach with respect for WHO He is.
- If I work for Him, I will trust Him for the words in an uncomfortable setting, because my rescue is a constant reminder that they need to be rescued, too.

Maybe you got this along time ago... not me. I think I was more keen on "Jesus is a good boyfriend" than GOD IS ALMIGHTY, ALL-POWERFUL, COMPLETELY JUST IN JUDGING MY SIN, COMPLETELY LOVE IN SENDING JESUS, FULLY WORTHY OF ALL HONOR AND PRAISE.

I barely know where to begin with this type of living. It has already put me in 2 uncomfortable situations, and I don't think that is the end.

Thanks for getting this started, Jake.

My "pregnancy" with Darin

2006-03-24T12:08:00.000-06:00

Praise the LORD!
Today was a beautiful God-filled day.

The title may confuse you, but this week, I have know of and/or been with Darin Michael for 40 weeks (which for those of you who haven't been pregnant, is the length of a pregnancy).
And this week, the labor pains of his birth into our family began...
Labor with adoption is unique... first they have to go to court to terminate the rights of the biological parents, then they have to finalize the adoption into your family.

On Wednesday at 2:30pm, our social worker from the adoption agency called. For nine months, they had been unable to contact his biological father. And now, after being served the papers for termination of parental rights, he had contacted his "ad liem" lawyer, to question the paternity.
The lawyer contact New Life, and inquired about Darin. After our social worker emphasized the medical needs of Darin, the lawyer called back to let her know that his dad would come to court on Friday (TODAY) to sign away his rights.

The past 2 days have been very hard for Joel and I. We had know way to know the motivations or ideas behind his dad coming to court. And we felt like we were forced to walk into a potential miscarriage.

I prayed so much through Thursday... that God would confirm the placement of Darin in our life, that I would respond in a God honoring way to all possible outcomes, that my husband would not do anything illegal (like leave the country with Darin) JUST JOKING!, and that Darin would have the best situation to grow up in possible.

At 8:30am, Joel, Darin, and I went to the Fort Bend County Courthouse. We found our way to the 2nd floor, where we met the New Life lawyer. He examined the docket, and we all headed down to the 1st floor. Right away, I spotted a man fitting the description that Lonnie (Darin's tummy mama) had given me of Zeke. I told the lawyer, and he approached him. After a brief exchange, the lawyer introduced us.
Immediately, there was peace.
After a hug (from me) and a handshake (from Joel), we sat down, where Zeke proceeded to express his confidence in signing the baby over to our care. We spent the next 30 minutes getting acquainted. About that time, the social worker from New Life finally found us (she had been waiting on the 2nd floor) and was SHOCKED to see the connection that had been made. Darin was sitting in Zeke's lap, and we were all just talking.
After that, the lawyers milled around and completed the paperwork with Zeke, and we discussed the future.

God's provision is perfect. Now we know that Darin has 3 dads - the One in Heaven, the one at my house, and the one we met today.
Who's luckier than that!?

Bloglines

2006-01-24T09:02:00.000-06:00

If you are a blog-reader, and haven't yet discovered Bloglines, this will make your life easier. Thanks for enlightening me, Bill.

The Ringer

2006-01-23T09:08:00.000-06:00

If you haven't seen The Ringer you are missing out. It is going to be the movie I show Arabella and Darin so that they know they can be anyone and acheive anything they dream up. I laughed my head off!

PostSecret

2006-01-23T09:05:00.000-06:00

Does anyone else check out PostSecret? I really like this postcard:

God's design and pregnancy

2006-01-17T09:39:00.000-06:00

The last post made me think about another thing that shows God's amazing design - pregnancy. Now, it is obvious that God is designing the formation of the baby. But what I was able to appreciate during both of my pregnancies was God's design in the TIMING! God could have had a baby grow and develop at any rate he wanted - a day or 2 years (yikes!)... but as we know, these times do exist in other creatures.
So, I want to focus on 9 months...
In these 9 months, you can see that God know his creation (us) completely.
In the first 3 months, you are able to adjust to the idea of having a baby, without really needing to "do" anything... maybe just stop doing things (caffeine, smoking, rock-climbing, etc.)
In the next 3 months, fears of how you can afford a baby, how you will learn to raise a child, etc. can be strong, and if the baby was born in this time, you would probably feel unprepared (as when a premie is born)
But the last 3 months are the perfect final. The 6 months prior have given you sufficient time to explore your fears, plan the best you can, then get over being in control, and just get EXCITED! By the end of 9 months, you are NOT hoping for another day to prepare. You are as ready as you will ever be, and you are completely in LOVE with the baby inside of you.
Thanks, God, for knowing what we need.

I was really able to appreciate this with Darin, who we found out about end of May, born 3 weeks later (early June), and we brought home on July 5th. All the emotions and preparations did not arrive until he was 3 months old... adoption has a process of it's own.

Sex and the Supremacy of God

2006-01-17T08:29:00.000-06:00

On Joel's birthday, we ended up at Barnes & Noble (like we do on EVERY date), but this time we were lucky enough to have Tim with us. I settled into a comfy chair to read, while the boys wandered. Unfortunately, they didn't have a copy of my most recent book, Mudhouse Sabbath, by my favorite Lauren Winner. So I picked up two others... Traveling Mercies, by Anne Lamonte, since by best girl Amy (Heath) Rounsavell has been recommending it for 3 years, and Sex and the Supremacy of God, by my favorite pastor in another city John Piper. And as is common on these reading-dates, I read a good chunk of each book... Traveling Mercies is still up for grabs - I don't know if I like it or not, but will finish it to find out.

But Sex and the Supremacy of God was truly enlightening. Honestly, I only made it through about 2 chapters, before I felt like I needed to step back and just ponder these thoughts. This is my common practice with Piper's books... just take sips, like a strong liquor.
Back to the book...
The main theme in Piper's books with titles including "the Supremacy of God" is that all things in earth and heaven exist to GLORIFY GOD. He is above all and all things are FOR HIM!
The fascinating part is how this is related to sex.

Sexuality is designed by God as a way to know God in Christ more fully...
Knowing God in Christ more fully is designed as a way of guarding and guiding our sexuality...
Now to state the two points again, this time negatively, in the first place all misuses of our sexuality distort the true knowledge of Christ. And, in the second place, all misuses of our sexuality derive from not having the true knowledge of Christ.
In other words, the ultimate reason (not the only one) why we are sexual is to make God more deeply knowable. The language and imagery of sexuality is the most graphic and most powerful that the Bible uses to describe the relationship between God and his people—both positively (when we are faithful) and negatively (when we are not).

This is very amazing to think about. I am always excited when I begin to understand more about how complicated we were created. And with the perversion of sex, it is easy for me to wonder about why God created it at all. So this was enlightening for me.

2006-01-16T07:36:00.000-06:00

I have tried to sit down to post 2-3 blogs lately, but motherhood has not permitted... but here's what is left in my brain of them.

Message on Matt 18:15-20 - 1/15/06
Well, yesterdays message at Kaleo pretty much stuck it to me.
The message itself (definitely worth downloading and listening to) was about discipline within the church. And we cross-referenced Deuteronomy 19:15-19, which is the old testament law about having the testimony of 2-3 brothers to convict someone of an offense. I'm not going to go into this whole thing because Bill did a SUPERB job. Just listen to it. It helped me understand where this has gone wrong before.

Okay, but on my conviction... it wasn't really related to the topic. At this point, there is no one I feel like I need to confront for any sin I am witnessing in their life. But one thing Bill said really got me. He was talking about the sins that we might witness in others... not just the obvious ones, but even the sin of unbelief.
And that is where he got me. I realized that was the sin I was wallowing in for the past 3 weeks. I have had a whole bunch of uncontrollable situations going on. And they have been driving me to tears daily. And I have been cussing about them. And most of all, I have been DOUBTING that God was going to be in control of them.
It was actually a relief to figure it out. And be able to repent of it and start over in faith.

But it also gave me a different perspective of church discipline. The Matt 18:15-20 text is talking about confronting a brother in private over a sin, then following the appropriate steps if they do not respond. And one of Bill's central points was that we have to TALK to the person (not email them, write them, etc.). And when you imagine confronting someone, that doesn't sound fun.
But sitting in that seat and feeling so convicted made me realize I WANTED SOMEONE TO TELL IT TO ME STRAIGHT. All week last week, I was trying to make clear to someone that I was screwing it up and I needed help pinpointing the problem. What would have felt like confrontation or hard talk to them WOULD HAVE BEEN A RELIEF TO ME.

I think that should be a comfort. When the Holy Spirit is guiding us, we should not hesitate in fear of how the prompting from Him will be received. He is preparing BOTH sides for his intervention.
And this can really carry over to sharing the Lord with an unbeliever. When we don't feel like we know all the "right" arguments for Christianity, we may hesitate. But the Holy Spirit will prompt us with just the information that person needs, and build our reliance on Him instead of ourself or our knowledge.

Ling xiu

2006-01-03T07:20:00.000-06:00

From Voices of the Faithful compiled by Kim P. Davis

Most workers from our organization must learn a foreign language. For me, it's Mandarin Chinese. While studying, I was intrigued by the phrase ling xiu (leeng SHE-oo), which refers to a Christian's daily devotional time.
Although this was new vocabulary, I already had learned both of the characters in different contexts. Ling means "spirit" or "soul." Xiu means "to repair." I had learned xiu I with the washing-machine repairman who was coming weekly to keep our ancient model running!
In my notes, I wrote "devotional= spirit repair." What a fitting way to describe our devotional time: repairing the soul by reading God's word and communing with Him. Like that dilapidated washing machine, my spirit needs the ultimate Repairman. Although I complained about the washer, it was stronger than my own inner man. It needed weekly repair, while I need it daily.
At one point, the repairman explained that the washer was used too often. I laughed inwardly at his solution - if I could just stop dirty laundry from accumulating, all would be well! What a parallel to how the stresses of life wear away our spiritual vitality just like the never-ending laundry wears out the washer's parts.
We can't stop the stresses of life any more than my family can stop producing dirty clothes. So I keep calling the Repairman to patch up my soul. Our daily "spirit repair" time is what keeps me sharing the gospel even with slow results and using my poor Mandarin when I look foolish. It provides compassion for my city so I can fulfill God's call in my life.

I'm a word-picture person and it is always helpful to have one more picture to drive me to the Lord.
-------------------------------------

I want to share with my blog friends about some people close to my heart and the life changes that are taking place. Michael and Tammi Rice have been close friends of Joel and I for around 4 years now. Actually, our beginnings are pretty awkward and funny.
When Joel and I started hanging out in August 2000, Joel had been a Christian about 3 months. Slightly before him, his friend Brian, also a former atheist, had also become a Christian, through the birth of Brian's son. Anyway, they had started having informal bible studies at Brian's apartment, and Joel invited me to come along. He explained in advance that I would probably be asked to read aloud from the Bible, since they were all so new at this and not comfortable yet. Also, when they prayed, it was silently, since no one was comfortable praying aloud either. All this was funny to me, since I had grown up in church and bible studies, and it had never dawned on me that it was odd to pray aloud.
So, I attended this Bible study twice with Joel. This first week was pretty "normal" compared to my other Bible Study experience. We read through some scripture, discussed it, and bowed our heads to silently pray. The second week things got weird. Basically, some people were invited to "come hang out" without really knowing about the Bible Study part. Mike and Tammi were at this Bible Study... I think they might have know about the bible part, but some of our other friends definitely did not. This was also something that I had not concept of - I had never been somewhere when people came to a bible study unaware. In fact, it wasn't until after the fact that I caught on to this. Anyway, alot of awkward debate ensued, and people were offended, and Mike and Tammi were somewhere in the middle of all the friends, Christian and not. And since I was just meeting these people, and thinking "why did you come to a Bible study if you don't believe in God?", I didn't really connect with Mike or Tammi.
My second encounter with Mike was worse than the first. It was in Spring 2001 when I was pregnant with Arabella, working full-time at Star of Hope (including 2 nights until 10:30pm), and VERY MOODY. I came home to Joel & I's apartment around 11pm one night. He was hanging out with someone I didn't know well (Mike) and I was tired. So I walked straight to my bedroom, got ready for bed, and called for Joel from there. I said something bitchy about the guest leaving, and went to sleep. (and we wonder while Joel was so in favor of adoption/never being pregnant again!)
But the third encounter with Mike & Tammi was totally different. We ran into them at a show at Mary Jane's in Fall 2001, when Arabella was a few months old. It was one of my first nights out without the baby, and I actually didn't leave her very far. My Mimi lives off the same street as MJ's, so I just dropped her there between feedings, then went back in time to feed her. Tammi and I started talking as soon as we got to the show, then she left to go with me to Mimi's and bring the baby back, then she sat outside with me and Arabella while the men finished the show. Tammi was so easy to get to know that I wondered how I had missed out on her the year before.
At that time, they started coming to Ecclesia with us, and quickly became involved in the same small group we were in. Our lives became very intertwined. They epitimize community living by their entire attitudes. I remember that first year as a beautiful mixture of resources - money, time, friendship. With Mike & Tammi, there is never an awkward discussion of balancing who paid for this dinner with who will pay next time. They are NOT worried about being even = they are always willing to be ahead. They are "givers." Hopefully, in the long run, we haven't just been "takers," but I know that Mike & Tammi don't keep track.
When they started going to Ecclesia, Mike was still figuring out where he stood with Jesus. I think this is often harder for people raised in the church. It is hard to make it your own and not just feel like you are defaulting to your parents' choice. But eventually, Mike was baptized at Ecclesia. That is a pretty funny story. The baptistry at South Main (where Ecclesia had church) was either not filled up, or not heated up, or both. So, we headed outside the fountain in front of the church. By the way, it was COLD. Also, Mike is 6'+ and the fountain was about 1' deep, so this was a humbling challenge, but very neat.
Anyway...
From the start, Tammi has been talking about going to Africa. Back in 2002, she talked Peace-Corp, cuz she and Mike are very interested in social reform and helping in a tangible way. She also has been talking about adopting children and/or being houseparents to orphans.
Last year, they started looking for a mission organization to go to Africa with. And they went to a meeting at Mike's parent's church about a trip to Kenya, Gateway, where they experience some frustration that I remember from my college years - people don't take your seriously. When you want to be a life-time missionary, it is hard to convince people that this is your dream for forever. I remember Tammi saying, "We told them we could bring tents and sleeping bags, if we could just come." But of course, the process is alot more complicated then that.
But Tammi stayed on the email list for this ministry in Kenya, and she continued to fall in love with it. The ministry is actually called Starfish Kenya. To sum up the ministry, basically, a Kenyan couple has adopted 31 orphans and needs lots of help. Tammi & Mike started planning to go on Gateway's annual trip this summer.
Then, over Thanksgiving, the Kenyan father, Naftali, suddenly passed away. This has left Margaret, the mother, alone to care for all the children. As soon as Tammi told me about Naftali's death, I knew that it was time for them to go. Everything in their lives has been leading to this - being about to help Margaret raise these orphans.
So, they are preparing to go to Kenya in September, after graduating in May from University of Houston, and then attending Montessori training over the summer.
Please pray for them. They must raise about $20,000 this year. They have to finish school and keep working their full-time jobs.
Please pray for Margaret. 9-months doesn't seem long for Mike & Tammi to prepare; it seems like a long time for Margaret to be on her own.

On minute we are feeling fine...

2005-12-22T11:34:00.000-06:00

and the next we are both down!
At about 10:10pm last night, Joel and I each said, "I'm not feeling good."
My throat hurts, and he is achy.
And he called to me in the middle of the night FREEZING. That furry man NEVER freezes!
So, pray for us, cuz there are still 3 munchkins that need at least 1 parent.

Reflections on Narnia and the Impact of Blogging

2005-12-20T07:41:00.000-06:00

I haven't had time to blog lately, but I have alot of thoughts to share. By the way, if you are in the middle of reading The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe for the first time, DON'T READ THIS POST!
__________________

On Aslan at the Stone Table:
It has been a long time since I have read the Chronicles, so the story was new again for me. And being a very visual learner, I was able to put things together that I had not picked up on or maybe I had just forgotten. So I was blown away by this set of scenes:

Basically, Edmund, the youngest and most sour brother, betrays the group to the queen for some Turkish delight. Because the law that rules Narnia, the White Witch controls traitors, so she comes to claim the life of Edmund. Aslan, the mighty lion, (described in the book by Beaver:)

"Is -- is he a man?" asked Lucy.
"Aslan a man!" said Mr. Beaver sternly. "Certainly not. I tell you he is the King of wood and the son of the great Emperor-Beyond-the-Sea. Don't you know who is the King of the Beasts? Aslan is a lion -- the Lion, the great Lion."
"Ooh," said Susan, "I thought he was a man. Is he -- quite safe? I shall feel rather nervous about meeting a lion."
"That you will, dearie, and make no mistake," said Mrs. Beaver, "if there's anyone who can appear before Aslan without their knees knocking, they're either braver than most or else silly."
"Then he isn't safe?" said Lucy.
"Safe?" said Mr. Beaver, "don't you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you? Who said anything about safe? 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you."

...speaks to the Witch in private, and she leaves Edmund and goes away satisfied... for later. That night, Aslan goes alone to a place full of the witch and her cronies. He silently walks through their gathering, while they mock him, whip him, then the White Witch kills him.

So, my reflections:
Often it is really helpful for me to understand my relationship to God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit through allegories or other word pictures.

In this case, I was amazed to see a Lion walking through a gathering of "creatures" that he could clearly dominate, alone, to die. It was moving to me to think of Jesus as powerful enough to ripe the whole city to shreds, but walk peacefully on.
It never crossed my mind before that Satan must have thought he won. In my basic checks and balances system, Jesus had fulfilled the requirement of the Law. But I never realized that Satan thought he had conquered God for that day.
- And my human nature HATES this. I hate looking foolish, when I can set the story straight. As I watched Aslan quietly lay upon the table, I imagined my own urges - to at least bite a little piece of flesh to remind them how strong I was, so they would see that this was MY choice to die. To put them back in their place IMMEDIATELY and CONTINUOUSLY.
- I can relate to Peter even more, pulling out the sword and chopping off the ear. Every bit of Peter's manhood was challenged by the method Jesus was using to abolish the Law of Sin and Death.
Once again, as when I read Rick Joyner's The Final Quest and The Call, I feel like I understand better what my life is suppose to be like - a battle. During a battle, stability and security have a different meaning and value than outside of war.

Stability is a matter of footing, not staying in the same place.
Security is not about resources, it is about preparing for the next step so you are not taken off guard.

My last reflection is less serious... but I missed it before just the same. In Narnia, it is "always winter, but never Christmas" under the reign of the White Witch. I just caught on to the Christmas connection - Christmas represents the coming of Jesus, so in an oppressed land, Jesus has not come yet.

_____________

On blogging:

I have previously been able to appreciate the value of blogs in my life. They have allowed me to reconnect with a community of people I have loved in the past, and share a level of conversation that does not exist in snail mail or mass emails. I look forward to reading what they have written and following the conversations they have with others, learning with each word how they view the world.

What I have not experienced until recently was pain through blogs. This is a sad side effect of random intimacy. About 2 weeks ago, I read the blog of an acquaintance who was reflecting on the possibility of having a baby with Down Syndrome. Honestly, this blog was NOT the hurtful blog. I can appreciate his honest reflection of his feelings. Then I shifted to his comments where I began in downward slide to getting my feelings hurt.

Basically, as I read through the initial remarks, I read the comment of someone who goes to my church. In the comment, I saw things that people must think about my life that bother me. I don't like the thought that someone congratulates me on adopting Darin, but really feels that this is something that is beyond words of sympathy.

Then I made my first mistake of leaving myself wide open for more irritation. I commented. I rambled on about each thing that had impacted me in reading the post and the comments. After the writer's initial reply, we shifted to email so we could converse more discretely. And I think that went well.

But the comment HELL continued. Well, not exactly in the comments. I suppose I actually found this in a link on another friend's blog. Of course, I am not the anonymous commenter on the original blog, who provoked most of this post, but I am the one who brought up the Down Syndrome and made it out to be the "greatest thing since sliced bread". And I have found myself hating this person, who I just casually know, and mentally expecting our friends to take a side in this blog-war.

Then, on the way to work today, I realized the damage done by all of us. By me for posting my opinion on a delicate subject. By the sister from my church for posting on a delicate subject. By all of us feeling like we understand the tone of conversation typed over the internet.

So, I want to repent and apologize to all that were involved or in the middle:

To Dallas and Carrie: I apologize for not keeping my mouth shut when I should have. I am sorry that I let Tiffany's comment lead me into reacting to you. Honestly, I made the mistake of taking her comment the worst way possible. And I know she didn't mean it that way.
To Michael and Tammi: I apologize for interfering with people and friendships you have that I am not really involved in. I do not know Dallas & Carrie well enough to say what I did to them. I hope I did not create problems for you, since you are our common connection. Please forgive me for having a big mouth. Thank you for loving our kids and never telling me if you agree with things posted that hurt me. I have determined now that I would rather not know.
To Tiffany: I apologize for not giving you the benefit of a doubt in reading your comment to Dallas and Carrie. I repent for letting it build a wall in my heart between you and I.
To David and Cohen: I apologize for hurting someone you value and not validating his opinion. I repent from hating you for your views and your unkind words. I don't know your tone or intent either.
To Joel: I apologize if my impulsive response to Dallas embarassed you or hurt your friendship with Michael. I repent of this and commit to sit under your slower to respond wise counsel.
To Amy: I apologize for bringing you into this at all. I repent of talking about it to appease my anger.

I am truly sorry for hurting anyone by my perspective.

2005-12-08T11:13:00.000-06:00

Life has been so busy, I haven't had time to think, much less blog.

I love my new job. I am finally sitting at my own desk typing this. It is a great environment to work in.

There is a little chaos going on related to Darin. We were anxiously awaiting our "7 month visit" with Darin's birthmom, scheduled for Dec. 17th. We decided to do it a little early, so it would be part of the holidays, instead of after.
Well, all of our communication is supposed to go through the adoption agency, but since she used by cell phone to call her mom from the hospital when we visited together, she does have my number. She has only called 3 times...
So she called to confirm the appointment on Tuesday night, and really threw me for a loop. She told me that she has become friends with Darin's possible birthfather's sister (they met at the bar, Lonnie (BM) is currently working at). The BF's sister said that the family was irritated that they never had a chance to keep Darin. But Lonnie told me she reassured the BF's sister that we are the right family for Darin. So, she invited this sister to come to our visit on the 17th.

This is stressful to me. The process to terminate the BF parental rights is lengthy if he was not involved with the initial adoption placement. So, I don't know any of the repercussions of all this.

I called for the wise counsel of my aunt Joann, who placed a baby for adoption about 14 years ago, and also worked for an adoption agency until last year. Her first and wisest response was:

If Darin is your baby, nothing can change that.

Meaning, of course, TRUST GOD, who orchestrated all of this from the beginning.

But still, the stress is there.

Pray!

My new job

2005-11-29T07:26:00.000-06:00

Well, I had my first day at the new job - loved it! The environment was very nice - friendly people, people truly concerned about the people they serve, willing to help me serve them well. I don't have ANY computer time as I am training and working 8-5. But eventually, I will be making my own schedule, and driving to see people in their homes, and I will have time to read and write blogs again. I miss my blog reading, so I feel connected to all of you. Thanks for the prayers. Of course, they worked.

2005-11-22T08:22:00.000-06:00

Friday night was a great time for me. I had a huge Kaleo slumber party. Upon reflecting on this time, I realized that something great had happened for me:
I spent the night as Heather. Not as Arabella, Holden & Darin's mom. But as me.
Since becoming a mom, it has been easy to hid behind the kids in new or scary social situations. I can be there and never go beyond the level of regurgitate odds'n'ends about the kids. It is very safe, but completely unfulfilling.
Friday, the kids were safely tucked away with Joel's mom, Darin and Joel were snuggling at the hospital, and I completely let my guard down. I realized this Saturday morning when I had not called to check on how Holden slept or what they ate.
I think I did okay on my own. I was not so socially ackward that I sat alone in a corner. Actually, my whole night was spent drawing Henna art on hands and ankles. A beautiful way to interact - holding the hand of a friend and making them even more beautiful.

My relationgship to Kaleo is weird. Not outwardly, but inwardly. I know we are leaving to plant Basilica. Sometimes, it dawns on me to wait for the new church to create unity, friendship, and strength in a group of women. But then I remember the wandering nature of our call to be churchplanters. We are never going to be anywhere for a long time. But I must continue to invest in each group of women with the same zeal. For in the end, these are my sisters, my support, and from each group I will learn things that will prepare me for the next.

At Ecclesia, I learned to be a mother in a way that feels right to me - nursing, wearing a sling, weighing each decision seriously, choosing my children above my own interests.
At First Baptist, I learned to study the Bible and pursue Him in the midst of motherhood so I could minister to other women.
At Kaleo, I am learning to work together with all the women to be the Body of Christ to one another.

Man, I love these women.

3 Interpretations on a commonly quoted scripture

2005-11-18T10:03:00.000-06:00

Over the past few years, I have felt a special closeness to a particular verse, Psalm 37:4

Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.

I think it is very interesting how people interprete this 3 different ways. I want to share my progression through mainly the last two interpretations... I am including the first for completeness.

Prosperity interpretation - "if I serve God, he will give me what I want... a big house, nice car, ya know... lots of money and stuff." (emphasis on "he will give you")
Honestly, I don't think this one lines up with the Bible at all. The focus of our relationship with God is not US.
Directing God through prayer - "when I pray, I tell God what my heart desires. Then He makes it happen." (emphasis on "desires of your heart")
This is the way I used to think... especially about Arabella. When I worked at Camp Barnabas in Summer 1999, I had a cabin full of Down Syndrome angels. And I fell in love. So I prayed, "God, if you have an extra child with Down Syndrome, who you need a family for, send them to me." Then Arabella was born in 2001!

But I don't think this is Biblical either... it implies that God doesn't already have a plan, that I know what is best, with the focus still on ME...
God directing us as we pray - "when I pray, I begin to hear from God, and understand Him, and I am able to see his Desires and they become my desires." (emphasis on "he will give you desires")
I think this one is actually what happened with Arabella - God, in his infinite wisdom and fore-knowledge, placed in my heart the desire for what He had planned from the beginning of time. That way, I was able to see His blessing in something that scares others. This is consistent with the God of the Bible - focusing on getting GLORY for GOD out of a situation that the world sees inaccurately. Attention on God by all parties!

Isn't it weird how the same verse can be taken so many ways? Do you have examples of this?

Excited about Life

2005-11-16T12:15:00.000-06:00

Even though Darin is in the hospital, my life is going pretty well. Having him out for 3 weeks allowed me to accomplish several things that I really wanted while we were there before:
1. Get pictures of all three kids together - well, at least we tried, even though not a single picture will include all 3.
2. Get the ball rolling on the church plant...
3. Plan some bonding stuff for Kaleo... there's a slumber party this Friday night.

Lots of fun!

And I love the cold weather... see my cutie Holden all bundled up.

2005-11-15T13:28:00.000-06:00

Darin's back at Texas Children's hospital... so I'm too busy to blog. But in high spirits!

2005-11-11T17:49:00.000-06:00

It is finished.

I finally felt peace about my decision... I placed my resignation at the Star of Hope today. I will finish the day after Thanksgiving, then start at VitaLiving on November 28th. I am excited and sad at the same time... typical girl!

2005-11-10T11:41:00.000-06:00

I haven't posted about the job yet, because I am having ALOT of trouble deciding... pros both ways. Yesterday, the official announcement was made that my favorite former boss, Erika, is now my boss again. So I have the added pressure of disappointing her. I had pretty well decided to go with the new job until that factor was added in... I wish it didn't matter to me if people are happy with me...
So, I spoke openly about the whole thing with Erika yesterday. Told her I would decide one way or another by Monday, since the other place wants me to start on Nov. 28th...
ARGH!

2005-11-03T12:56:00.000-06:00

So, I went on the mysterious interview mentioned 3 posts ago...
The position of CLASS case manager sounds great:

Use government funds (up to $63,000 per year per person) to support a person living in their home/with a relative rather than being institutionalized (group home, etc.)

Arrange therapy, home modifications, activities, etc.
Do quarterly visits to their home
Complete lots of paperwork

Create my own schedule, as long as I get all the work done; paperwork could even be done from home.

The interview was great, too. Angela, the director of the CLASS dept. was really nice and we related in alot of areas. She told me she was very interested in hiring me.

The only question is the salary. Basically, the salary starts at less than I currently make. Angela noticed this, and said she was going to request from the director to match my current salary. So, taking the job would not include a raise. Although, it is a hourly pay set-up, so there is potential for overtime.... which I don't have here.

Now I am left with deciding:

Do I want to change jobs for more flexiblity, but more driving?

Should I stick around here, close to home, and make it work?

Arguments on each side

New adventure
Flexible hours
Driving around, sometimes at home, sometimes far away
Unknown amount of stress, but more structured
Nice boss
Earning level is same, with hope for overtime?

Close to home
Not flexible hours, unfortunately including Saturdays
Not stressful, but undefined and unfulfilling
97% sure Erika (favorite old boss) will be boss again soon
If Erika becomes boss, then Melissa will take her job...
freeing up Melissa's position...
which I could apply for, have a new adventure, and possibly a raise?

What do you think?
Please comment with insight, perspective, or messages from God.

2005-11-02T13:14:00.000-06:00

My angel on her first field trip... who knew she would love horses! I'm looking for some therapeutic riding for her now, since we are pretty bored with our current therapy regiment!

2005-11-02T09:54:00.000-06:00

My friend Amy edified me the other day by sending this devotional... hopefully, you can be edified by it too.

"Believing is Seeing"
Micca Campbell, Proverbs 31 Ministries
2 Kings 6:17, "… O, Lord, open his eyes so he may see."
Discouragement is normal to feel when we've experienced some sort of loss, or when we are waiting on God to do something in our lives. It may be that we are waiting on God to find our mate, begin a family, provide a job, cure our illness, or help us achieve our dreams. Yet, when we have unaccomplished goals or unfulfilled dreams due to circumstances beyond our control, we can also feel disappointed with God for allowing these events to take place in our lives. Worse yet, our disappointment grows while we are waiting for God to fix it.
Waiting is the hard part. It's living in the unknown that we don't like. We wonder, "What is God up to? When is He going to do something? Does He hear my cries?" I can answer with a confident, "Yes!" God knows your pain, He hears your cry, and He is at work on your behalf whether you see Him at work or not.
I have learned that while we are "in the wait," peace comes by trusting God. To help increase my faith, I often pray what God has promised me in His Word."Lord, I trust that You are with me. I know that You will never leave me nor forsake me. I am not alone. You care for me. You are my provider, and You have a perfect plan, especially for me. I do not have to be afraid for You are faithful."
Then, I ask God, like Elisha the prophet, to open my eyes so that I can see what I have professed with my mouth. God did that for Elisha and his friend, and He'll do it for you and me, too.
It happened like this. King Aram was at war with Israel. During this time, the prophet Elisha, and another man of God, would spy on King Aram and then report his strategy to the King of Israel. When King Aram found out Elisha was the one blowing his cover to Israel, he sent horsemen and chariots by night to surrounded Elisha's camp and capture him. When Elisha and the man of God awoke and saw that they were encircled by the enemy, the man of God cried out in terror, "What shall we do?" Elisha said to him, "Do not be afraid. For those who are with us are more than them." Then Elisha called to the Lord, "Open his eyes so that he may see." Suddenly, the man of God saw chariots of fire from God all around. What do you think that did to his fear - to know that God was fighting the battle for them?
Do chariots marked with doubt, fear, worry, and discouragements have you surrounded? Do you fear they will conquer you? Are you crying out like Elisha's friend, "What am I going to do?" God is greater than your depression and anxieties. Perhaps it's time to ask God to open your eyes so that you can see His power and love working together to fight your battle. Seeing the truth will help you overcome your discouragement while you're waiting for God to claim your victory.
My Prayer for Today:
Dear Lord, open my eyes so that they may see You and Your mighty power at work on my behalf. Conquer my fear and worry and replace it with faith and trust in You alone. Strengthen my inner being and help me to know and experience the depth of Your love that You have for me. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Hope that builds your faith in whatever situation you are in.

2005-10-29T13:48:00.000-05:00

Thursday was a weird day. First, I finally resolved to be content with my current job situation. This does not mean I am not pursuing school. It does mean that I am not going to apply for the other positions within my company, or pursue the interview I have set up with ECI. I decided to take on my job with a renewed vigor. I started 2 new projects to help me enjoy my job at the Star of Hope.

Then, after deciding all this, and having a good day, I recieved a call. The lady on the other end said, "Hi. I'm with Vita Living. We received your resume and we would like to schedule an interview for the case manager position with you."

Now, I don't recall hearing of Vita Living before that moment. And I definitely don't think I sent them a resume. So I said, "Do you know where you received by resume from?"
Of course, she sounded puzzled and said, "No."
I decided to schedule an interview with her, mostly out of curiousity. I wrote down the address and drove home.

Then I immediately got on line to find out what Vita Living was. Honestly, I figured it was a vitamin company who would want me to interview to work for them as a sales person. Lots of companies pick up resumes on CareerBuilder and Monster, just offer non-salary sales jobs - NO THANKS!

But what I found is interesting and somewhat amazing. VitaLiving is "a 501 (c)(3) nonprofit agency that provides long term comprehensive care and support services for adults and children who have developmental disabilities such as mental retardation and cerebral palsy. VitaLiving is recognized as a leading proponent of integrated community living and an expert in the care of individuals with complex disabilities and behavioral challenges."
If you know me at all, you can read this and see that it involves several things that are important to me - community living, resource support, and people with disabilities.

Now I am just curious how they found me. May be it is "divinely coordinated employment". Who knows... I guess I will just have to wait until next Wednesday to find out...

2005-10-27T08:05:00.000-05:00

Excitement is building...

Returning to regular prayer, I am quickly becoming more and more excited about the beginning of planting the church. I know God will use this for his purposes. We are finally going to begin meeting this month, hopefully, and getting our team in motion!
YEAH!

2005-10-26T08:25:00.000-05:00

My husband

Joel and I didn't sleep in the same building for the entire time Darin was hospitalized. And most of our interaction was as he got out of the car in the morning to go sit with Darin, and I got into the car to go to work.
Yet our love is growing daily. When I got in the car yesterday, on the dash was a envelope that said, "I found this in my journal from a long time ago. I mean it even more than I did almost 5 years ago."

Inside, a handwritten copy of our wedding vows.

2005-10-26T07:37:00.000-05:00

Praise to the Lord, the Almighty, the King of Creation!

I don't know if you remember, but about a month ago, I was in a bad spot. Depressed. Confused.

And just a day before Darin went into the hospital, God provided some perspective. Then He enforced that perspective. Darin needed to make an impact on our family equal to that made by Arabella and Holden. After 36 days in the hospital, he has reshaped our life to fit with him.

This time was full of purpose. Honestly, I needed God to force me to sit still. Our life went so quick from spring through summer, that I came into fall spinning. I did not know what God wanted for me, for our family, and I couldn't figure out where to begin regrouping. The chaos and disorganization in my house, the overbooked schedule, our family in a rut...

The funny part is that I could not even figure out how to schedule a night to regroup.

But, when Darin went into the hospital, the schedule was easily cleared. The mess in the house suddenly seemed less overwhelming, and in fact, now that I am home, doesn't seem very disorganized at all. And you know the story of the schedule - cleared with Joel withdrawn from school. And our family rut has been completely smoothed away to be recreated new and different.

Leaving the hospital yesterday was beautiful. Like a new beginning. Darin is just the size of average newborns now (well, maybe a little above average = 10 lbs, but you get the point) and he has now had a chance to reshape our life like his birth would have if we had know about his arrival for 9 months. The air was crisp and cool, burdenless.

So, as I came to work on time today, I contemplated, "How do I want to begin again?"

Hearing from God. That sounds nice, huh? But I haven't been doing well at that, especially in August and the time immediately preceding the hospital. I couldn't force myself to read the Bible and pray. I felt distracted. And when I did pray, I was whiny.

Today, I feel thankful. Thankful for God's ability to see the beginning and the end. That God kept preparing Joel, even when I lost focus and direction. Thankful that He lets me come right back to talk, undeserving but loved.

Prioritizing better. Honestly, I was bitter about having to re-prioritize this summer. I felt the lost of my ministry at Kaleo. I felt unclear about my role as a mom to a newborn while still working.

Today, I am asking God to show me how to return to my home as a better support for Joel. I want to create new patterns in our home that edify and unify our family.

Content. This is the hardest one. I am still having trouble figuring out a long short-term plan related to working. I don't know if I can find a way to do my current job that is fulfilling. I don't know if I should pursue change. I don't know if I should begin working toward a graduate degree or nursing. All of these things are confusing and frustrating.

If I start graduate school for Instructional Technology, I have to picture myself changing careers in 3 years to use it, to justify the cost of graduate school. I don't know if I want to enter this field just as we are getting more deep into the Basilica Community, since I anticipate wanting to work less and spend more time working with Joel on this if financially possible.
If I start working on prerequisites for Nursing School, I still have to picture a career change, but it is one that I can see how I can use on the mission field or anywhere. This one sounds better to me, BUT this option also involves figuring out how to go to a whole year of nursing school without working. There is no point in doing the prerequisites if I can't afford to take the year off for the school between May 2007 - August 2008.
If I look for a new job, I may find one that is more personally fulfilling and challenging, but I may have to sacrifice my great schedule, and the chance to have another week of vacation next year.
If I stay here, I need to find a way to do this job that doesn't frustrate me. Right now, I do a job that has NO defined tasks or roles, and it is shared by 3 people. I constantly feel like we are frustrating each other by doing the same job in different ways. I really need to be able to determine what I need to do and look back and know I completed the job.

Sometimes, it is very hard to wait for next year and the church-plant. It is hard to wait on going to Russia. I want to do what will support our family the most without setting us back more. Every choice has a financial and a time cost. Even having children - they are the easy choice, because time invested in them is fulfilling. It is choices about spending money on school to make more money to pay off debt that are not as easy. I don't want to invest 3 years in school, then arrive at the 3rd year, and figure out if I had saved that money, we would be ready to go to Russia.

Stop. Trust in the Lord.

That is the new beginning.

2005-10-20T10:02:00.000-05:00

"Beyond the Gates of Splendor"

Last night, I was able to watch a movie I have been trying to see for awhile, all while snuggling my Darin. It was a good night.
This movie is a documentary from falling in love to entering the mission field of 5 families. 5 families who lived out 100% the values I claim. Growing up, I read books about these men... The Savage, My Kinsman, and another I can't recall the name.
But this movie completed the beautiful picture. The beginning of the famous story is 5 men who are killed in the attempt to initiate meaningful contact with Amazon "savages". The end is the grandson of Nate Saint, one of the 5, bringing his adopted "savage" grandpa, one of the men who speared his father to death, to his college graduation.

Here am I. Lord, send me.

I realized after watching this movie, that I have been buying into the fear of some people around me. They ask questions about medical care for Darin and Arabella on the mission field that I don't know the answer to. And I wonder if I can really take them.
Satan would win if I listen. Not the war, just the battle.
I don't want to miss out on fighting for the Lord.

Bottom-line:

This is a battle ground.
This life is not about health or wealth.
There are not promises of growing old with our children around us.

I think that those visions are presented to us by the Enemy of God, to make us think that this is our final destination. THIS IS NOT A FINAL DESTINATION FOR ANYONE.
If I chose not to fight, ifI count the cost, and it is too scary for me to attempt, then I don't believe a word God has said. Because I cannot claim to trust him to keep me safe for His purposes as I drive home on I-45, but decide NOT to trust him to keep us safe for His purposes ANYWHERE.

This is a battle. And some will leave this earth so others will understand. But they will go to the permanent destination and they will have joy in God's presence. And for their leaving, glory will be given to God and others will understand.

THAT IS WHAT THIS LIFE IS ABOUT!

Psalm 127
Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labor in vain.
Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchmen stand guard in
vain.
In vain you rise early and stay up late, toiling for food to eat -
for he grants sleep to those he loves.
Sons are a heritage from the Lord, children a reward from him.
Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one's
youth.
Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them.
They will not be put to shame when they contend with their enemies
in the gate.

2005-10-19T10:16:00.000-05:00

Camp Barnabas

One of the experience that has had the greatest impact on my life was working at Camp Barnabas, in Purdy, Missouri. It is a Christian camp for people with disabilities. It is the most beautiful place in the world.
It was at Barnabas that I realized that my body was not something to focus on, or stress about. As I carried friends from their wheelchairs, into the swimming pool, I realized that my body did exactly what I needed it to, whether I liked my patches of cellulite or not.
It was at Barnabas that I realized you can see what a man of God looks like through how he cares for a child. How he wipes a booty. It's no surprise some of the most wonderful men I have know worked at Barnabas with me.
It was at Barnabas that I went through the most difficult summer of my life, struggling to lead the women counselors as I felt tired and frustrated.

This past week, Extreme Makeover Home Edition was at Camp Barnabas. Most episodes of this show have alot of building, alot of design, mostly showing the process of the remodeling. This episode barely even walked through the 3 buildings built by Ty and his crew. The cameras were captivated by the campers. They really found the essence of Camp Barnabas - the beautiful children who make it special.

Arabella, Holden and Darin will all go to Camp Barnabas when they are 6 years old. Camp Barnabas is alot like the Rise School in that they have the siblings of the children with disabilities come as well. I love this. I never want to seperate Holden from Arabella and Darin, sending them off to seperate experience. Arabella is half-way there - only 3 more years! When she goes, I will have to volunteer so I stick around and see her win the hearts of people walking in my old shoes. Many, I miss that place.

If you are a blog tourist, than check out some of the most beautiful people I have ever met, those I worked with at Barnabas:
Chelsea and Jesse, married this summer
Kevin and Latonya, married last spring
Elisabeth
Sean
Jeremy

2005-10-18T09:46:00.000-05:00

I am going through some up's and down's emotionally right now. I am up personally/spiritually. I feel okay about what I am able to do, and my relationship with God. But I feel REALLY down about being in the hospital with Darin. It is hard to be away from the family so much. I went home for 2 hours last night, while my mom sat with Darin. Heading back to the hospital, I cried. For the first time, I just didn't want to leave home. Usually, I have felt a decent balance, and don't mind returning. But I was feeling pretty hopeless upon my return. Darin was calm and tired, so I fed him and turned out the lights to go to sleep. Then the charge nurse came in to ask me to change rooms. Our room has a camera for watching patients with eating disorders; they needed the room, so we needed to move. This took until 12:30. Then we had to hook Darin up to his Bi-pap breathing machine. By this point, I was in tears. I don't like to see my baby with a heavy mask pulling on his face while he tries to rest. The nurse asked if I needed a break. Nice offer - don't know what she thought she would do to give me a 'break' at 1:30 in the morning. But it was nice.
Fortunately, our new room has less light and noise coming in from the hallway, so I slept better.
Please come visit if you have time. It is hard to be away from the kids and Joel all evening, but visitors make the time go by alot faster.

2005-10-18T07:06:00.000-05:00

[Room Change...]

Last night, Heather and Darin had to change rooms... same floor, but different room, and different phone number. For those who call us, change the last two numbers from 28 to 14.

2005-10-14T09:47:00.000-05:00

Damn that Joel for praying...

Yesterday, Darin's pediatrician told me that we could go home on oxygen if we were ready. We are definitely ready. This offer didn't really involve the resultion of the breathing difficulty, just waiting them out at home instead of the hospital. Bitter sweet.

I really started getting excited. I miss being at home. While we are in the hospital, I only see Joel and the kids about 1-2 hours MAX per day. Really, I see the kids this much, but I only see Joel when we swap places, so our time is about 30 seconds per day.

Then we got the news: The sleep study I did with Darin on Wednesday night did not look good. (more details on his website) We now have more specialist to see, so we will stay in the hospital to figure this out.

Now, this was not totally surprising, or all bad news. We did the sleep study to find out if there was a problem. And as I struggled to get Darin to sleep with 30 sensors glued to his head, then covered by a make-shift ski mask, then wrapped in tape... I doubted the need for the study. I actually planned about 10 times during the night to tell the technician that we were not going to finish, to unhook him, and let us go back to our room. But I didn't. And I am glad we completed it. It might be the reason God has kept him in the hospital - so we would keep testing and find out how to help Darin best. I can understand that.

But I am choosing to blame Joel for having to stay.
He told me that he laid hands on Darin and prayed that God would not just let Darin go home "okay", but that God would send Darin home "WELL".

See how it is all Joel's fault.

2005-10-11T20:38:00.000-05:00

Wow, my brain is beginning to be fried by the schedule I am living. Unfortunately, I am not good at being productive at the hospital. I am ready to go back to our regular life. I could appreciate a night of cleaning house and changing diapers.
I miss my husband. Over the past 2.5 weeks, we have spent about 10 hours total in the same room. It is hard to plan life together in this situation.

2005-10-02T17:48:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm still on a forced "vacation" with Darin in Texas Children's Hospital. Lots of time to think and pray. I am doing really well. Feeling God's presence again. I am happy.

2005-09-30T10:46:00.000-05:00

Timing.

It is amazing how God's timing works out. One day before Darin got sick again, Joel decided to withdrawal from school. It all works together just right.
I have been feeling alot of peace over the past few days. So many factors outside my control... all requiring full faith. My only choice.

So, I came to work today, while Joel is with Darin at Texas Children's Hospital. The director inquired about Darin, and recommended unpaid leave (FMLA). I told him it would be better if I could come in at least part of the week, so I could still have an income. He said, "I am not worried about the hours. Just come in as much as you can." The good thing about salary is that once I clock in, I get paid for the full day. So, I have permission now to work the amount that is best for our family. THANK YOU, GOD!

2005-09-27T13:07:00.000-05:00

An interesting day...
After my last post, Joel said something interesting. He said that he needed time to calculate, plan and consider.
I said, "What?"
He said it was like when he asks me to make a purchase, and I have to consult with my Money software and crunch numbers.
I said, "What are you calculating?"
He said, "If we can afford for Darin to not have the impact the other kids did on our lives - to have you home for the first year with them."

This phrase BLEW me away. He finally figured out how to say what has been dragging me down for weeks. I have tried to label it 100 ways. But it all comes back to feeling like Darin was just squished into a very full life...

So if you read Joel's post, "Change, it is a'comin'...", you will see the sweet, self-less plan he presented to me yesterday. For me to turn in 2 weeks notice at work, for him to withdrawal from UH and then to find a job. It is definitely the opposite extreme of our current situation.

But today, as I came to work, and took time to pray, I was able to break down my stress even farther... which I can now realized is my fault is alot of ways.

Basically, my biggest concern is a parent for Darin to be with 100% - no passing around between babysitters, etc. And Joel is able to do that EXPECT when in class.

Well, the last week of the summer, as we looked at our schedule, Joel said, "There is no way I can do this and go to school." And I said, "We've got to." And he said, "But they don't even have Russian Studies, which is why I was going to school." And I said, "But we've got to."

So, when I examined Joel's new plan, to find a job and let me stay home, I found several flaws, but also an alternative with the same strengths...

Flaws:

Joel can not prepare to pastor the Basilica Community if he goes back to work. When he works, he gets home late, and he needs to spend that time with the kids. My job is perfect. Ministry, close to home, GREAT HOURS (7-3:30).

Key strength:

Joel quits school.

It seems like either way, Joel needs to be out of school. Either so I can be with Darin, or so he can. It makes sense... it is my fault that we didn't see it before.

Alternative:

Joel withdrawals and stays home with Darin.

2005-09-25T22:19:00.000-05:00

Working toward healing, I become more and more transparent. Hopefully, in the end the sadness will melt away, and you will see me whole again...
Everyday, I am doing self-examination to figure out what is leading to my feelings of depression and anger. My mom suggested chemical imbalance the other day. Right off I knew this was not it...
Which lead me to realized that something in my life is leading to my sour outlook. So I need to pin point the thing.
Tonight, Tammi suggested that I am under spiritual attack because of the work God is using Joel for. She encouraged me not to listen to the Devil, letting him sabotage this work. This is an idea I have been wrestling with myself. It is almost as if I can tell myself not to sabotage it, and pick a fight to try to sabotage it all in the same moment.
So, Joel heard Tammi and I talking. And he came in to bug me until I would tell him what we talked about. Which was annoying, but the exactly right thing for a husband to do - be interested and listen.
When I hear myself say what is going on, I feel like a nut-case. Basically, for the first time in my life, I don't want to be on God's big adventure. I'm not saying I don't want to do it at all.... just not right now. Honestly, I have never wanted average life so much.
So what changed?
We adopted Darin.

My friend Krissy and I talked about 2 days ago. We both had our 3rd child this year and were sharing our feelings on this experience. She put it very well. She said that Kadence brought alot of balance to her life. She had been struggling with doing the mommy-thing to her older 2 boys and re-defining herself as an individual. Having Kadence reconnected her to the mommy priorities, and helped set her individual priorities.

So, this spring, when God told Joel to plant the Basilica Community, I was in a season of renewed exploration of who God would have me be at Kaleo, as a minister of the gospel with Joel, and later in Russia. It was easy to see how taking on this challenge would build into all that God might use us for.
Then God laid out all the pieces for adopting Darin. It was clear and undeniable that God had prepared this path.

But adopting Darin had taken me out of the season of exploring outside ministry, and returned me to a focus on motherhood. Only, with just 6 weeks preparation, I have not made a graceful transition between the two.

This is actually a relief to understand. I can see that I need to make some life adjustments. Now figuring out what those are is the next challenge.

2005-09-17T08:31:00.000-05:00

September is halfway over and I can't say I am sorry to see it go. This month has been hard. I don't have a positive outlook on life right now. I need hope.
I am struggling with praying right now. It seems like when I need to pray and seek God the most, it is the hardest to do. Of course, I can say the prayers. I am just not doing well at listening in faith for the voice of God.
I am also struggling with community. My community is essential during times of crisis like this. But my human nature is driving me to push them away. Help is alot more welcome when it is optional; when it is required to survive, it is hard to accept.

God, I need you. I need your outlook on life. I need hope that even when I can't figure out a solution, there is one. I need faith in your Kingdom, your power, your glory. I really need help loving, and being lovable.

2005-09-11T14:17:00.000-05:00

Life is getting better. I think that I just needed to sit still... Darin going into the hospital did this for me. I have bee sitting with him for the past 16 hours. I feel alot less stressed.
Today is Arabella's 4th birthday. My angel is becoming a little lady. Everyday with her is beautiful. I miss her. I haven't seen Arabella or Holden since leaving for the hospital with Darin. I did talk to them on the phone. Holden and I had a real conversation. He is growing up too fast.

I watched this "Wife Swap" show at the hospital. This millionairess swapped lives with a working-class mom. The rich lady spent all day shopping and working out, then went out to dinner 6 nights/week, while 4 nannies took care of her 4 children (all under 8 years old). I want to kick in the butt. She is missing the best part of her life. She figured this out somewhat by the switch. She said that a change upon returning from the show was that now her daughter woke up and called out for her mom, instead of the nanny. DUH - that is what a kid is suppose to do! It makes me very sad to think that people take for granted time with their kids. Makes me wonder who raised Paris Hilton...

2005-09-10T09:05:00.000-05:00

Today is not a good day. Darin coughed so much last night that at 2:30 am, I took him to the hospital. They suctioned out his mucus, then put him on oxygen. So, now he is being admitted to stay there for a few days.
This is icing on a bad cake. I have been having a rough week emotionally. I feel overwhelmed by my life and there is nothing to do but hope it passes. September was just a busy month... I wish it would be over.
I stayed with Darin until 6:30am, then Joel got to the hospital and I came to work.
I think the thing that is depressing me most is other people doing my job, being the mom. I feel like I have to organize childcare more than anything else. My heart is breaking.
I am asking God to help me find options that feel better.

2005-09-05T06:53:00.000-05:00

A story from the trenches...
Last Friday, I spent the day helping a man, Eugene Hamm, try to search for his wife. They were seperated leaving Louisiana after the flood. His wife, Carol, went on a military rescue truck with her dad to get medical attention, and Eugene was left behind with his teenage son and the son's girlfriend.
Starting about 7 am, we called the Red Cross, then started surfing message boards to see if she had listed her name and location on any of them. Since Eugene is currently transient and homeless, I listed by cell number as a way to contact him. Honestly, I didn't know if we would ever cross information paths with Carol. Since just about every television station has set up a "Survivors of Katrina" message board, there are alot of places to search. We searched until lunch, then I began to encourage him to make a plan about what he and his son would do, not dependent upon finding his wife. He was resistent.
After lunch, I went back to helping another family get in touch with scattered relatives. They were using my cell phone when it received a call. It was a lady in Pearland. She said that she read a post on the Yahoo Message board for Carol Hamm. She saw Carol on the CNN news live from Atlanta. Carol was in the studio, sending out a message to Eugene.
We tracked down the info for CNN Atlanta, then they sent us to the Red Cross Atlanta. When we called them, Carol was standing right there. We handed Eugene the phone and all started crying.
A good day in Social Work.

2005-09-01T09:31:00.000-05:00

Well, since I work with the homeless population, things have really gotten busy. In the wake of Hurricane Katrina, we have had alot of refugees from Louisiana. It has actually been really fun to have such a fast paced work environment. I figured out about a month ago that I like my job when I am busy. I don't like it when I am bored.
I am really trying to refocus on the goal. So what is the goal... to glorify God. But what is the practical application of this.
As a mom, I am really working on playing more, bossing less. The last 2 days have been good. We have gone in the backyard and played hard after I get home from work. The kids seem to be responding to me better and acting out less - maybe they are just too tired to misbehave! I really want my kids to see me the way I see my mom. She demonstrates who Jesus is for me all the time.
As a wife, I feel like I need a goal. We have been so busy, I don't know who to glorify God by my interactions with Joel. I have making an effort to nag less... hopefully, that is glorifying to God. I also want to support Joel more. Right now, I am in a holding pattern, waiting for him to attend the Acts 29 Bootcamp so I can follow him in the next steps for the Basicila Community.
As a child of God and member of the body of Christ, I feel like I have lost my plan. Before Darin, I had certain things I was directed to do for our church. I need to figure out if these are still the things to do.

Well, there was a big PAUSE here while I went to do some Star of Hope work.... it was really good. I got to talk to a lady for her extension (which means I decide if she can stay another month here)... she looked very sad. And for once, I had the boldness to share the Gospel. At least sprinkle some seeds. Pray for her... for confidentiality, call her GH.

2005-08-23T09:46:00.000-05:00

On my relationship with God...
My friend Tiffany posted an interesting challenge to explore our relationship with God, rather than just Christian-pop culture topics in our blogs. So people can learn and grow together. Here's my shot...
I am on a continuous roller-coaster ride in my relating to God. He is steady. I am anything but steady. Over the past year, I can see Him more. Why doesn't this make me trust Him more?
I think I have a tidal relationship - or bi-polar - whichever analogy suits you more. I will vigorously pursue Him, seek discipline, pray, trust - then one day, I will forget it all. Not on purpose, just not with purpose seeking Him.
I confess this is the state of my last month.
May and June were the close part of our relationship. I clung to Him in the midst of chaos and He, of course, sustained me and showed me the abundant life that comes within His plan. Not financial or material abundance. Peace.
Then July became busy. And routine. Sometimes I think I need chaos and uncertainty to drive me to God. Did I just write that? I don't think I really want to say that.
Anyway, right now, I am trying to return to discipline to bring back the closeness. I don't know "theologically" what support there is for this idea, but I think that you need to discipline yourself to pursue God. That way, whether you "feel" like being a Christian, you will still honor Him.
Right now, it's not that I don't want to pursue God, I just feel distracted. For example, I went to pray on Sunday, and the phone rang. Shouldn't have answered it, but I hate returning calls. Then, once the call was over, I forgot to go back to praying.
I think I need structure to my praying and bible study. I need a particular time set aside for it. I am asking God to help me find this order. I don't know where it should go. I just know it MUST be there. I miss it.

2005-08-20T09:22:00.000-05:00

Met the funniest lady the other day. She was the grant writer for a homeless project for teens in Colorado Springs called UrbanPeak. For the past 10 years, she and her college roommate have been taking annual road trips throughout the country. They decided they would like to "share" their adventures with someone... so here is what they do.
Like in the movie Amelie, they take pictures of a garden gnome where ever they go. But this is where it gets crazy: 10 years ago, they picked a name and address out of the Denver phone book. Every year, they send pictures and letters to the people at this address, describing their adventures. Sometimes they mention, "stopping by Denver and looking forward to trying your jello salad." This is so fun, and crazy. I wish I could see the reactions of the recipients. Of course, they sign fake names, but always the same fake names. It is awesome.

Just got back from Colorado. My best friend Amy works at UrbanPeak with this lady. Our whole family loaded up in the car to visit Colorado Springs for Amy's wedding. It was an adventure. The first 2 days were spent driving while a continuous loop of Barney, Elmo and VeggieTales played in the backseat. It really wasn't bad - the kids were happy, so I was happy. Then Friday morning, wedding activities started up right away. Arabella was the flowergirl, and I was the matron-of-honor, so we went with the other bridesmaids to get our nails done. This was a big adventure. Arabella is not too fond of people holding her hands still, so I ended up painting her nails myself. Then we jetted back to Amy's house, where we realized we were running late for Amy's next appointment. So Joel came to pick me up with a car full of fussy boys. Uncle Tim accompanied us to a local deli, Woogle's, for a chaotic lunch. Then dress-rehearsal time. The wedding was to be held up in the mountains about 45 minutes away.
The rehearsal was a disaster. There was a gentle rain for most of the rehearsal, bringing into question the plans for an outdoor wedding the next day. At first glance, an indoor option seemed pretty and do-able. The lodge of the Lost Dutchman was gorgeous, with an indoor waterfall with a raised platform in front of it. But the manager of the lodge did not make this option simple... she complained and complicated things until Amy was extremely frustrated. My favorite phrase from the evening: Amy said, "I am putting the "ass" in assertive." Anyway, we left the rehearsal praying against the rain, and at a very high level of stress.
But the rehearsal dinner was a great redemption of the day. At a cozy little tavern in a small mountain town, the dinner was intimate, casual, and fun. The groom, Brad's, extended family put together an "Almost-Wed Game" in the style of the Newlywed Game. They let Amy and Brad earn Old Navy & Chipotle bucks to spend. It was very cute. Amazingly enough, out of about 40 questions, their answered matched on all but 2 or 3.
Saturday, we got up to another overcast day, threating rain. I accompanied Amy to get her hair done for the wedding. My sweet brother Tim created a contingency plan of tarps to cover the guests during an outdoor ceremony in the rain. But when we headed up to the lodge, the sun started peeking through the clouds. The wedding was performed outside, dry and beautiful.
It was a neat setup. The ceremony was performed on a hill outside the lodge. Then, while the wedding party took pictures, there was fishing around the lake. Then came dinner. Then dancing! Arabella didn't perform too well as the flowergirl - stage fright, of course. But man, she performed during the dancing. That little princess danced non-stop for about 3 hours. She danced with almost every person at the wedding. It was really cute (unbiased opinion!).

I have known Amy for about 8 years. I just finally met Brad on Friday. But they seem like a good match. Over the past 3 1/2 years, I have observed their relationship from afar. It was good to finally meet him. He really made a good impression by trying to get to know me in the midst of a chaotic weekend. I hope this first year of marriage goes by quickly - it's a hard one!

Amy is the closest friend I have ever had. We met in 1997, as we both entered ASC (Aggie Sisters for Christ) at Texas A&M and ended up living in the same apartments. This may be a wierd thing to say, but having Amy around made it fun to be single. She understood me, and was a great companion, so I didn't feel like I had to have a guy around all the time. Even after college, when I went to India, she was the only person who really seem to understand my journey. She happened to move to Colorado for the Dale House while I was training for India in Colorado Springs, so she put me on the plane for India, and she picked me up after I got back. I have watched her grow so much. It was hard to give her away to Brad.

Back in 1997, ASC had a formal in Dallas. Amy and I weren't dating anyone, but we still wanted to go. So, she called a high-school friend to take her, and I told her to get her brother to go along with me. I had never met Chris, but I figured, "How bad could it be." The beginning of the weekend, before the formal, Chris and I didn't even speak - ackward! But we all got dressed up, and the evening turned out to be fun. Chris is really senical, but I gave him a run for his money. After that, I would call him a friend...
I'm telling this story for a reason. This weekend, Chris and his awesome girlfriend Deanna were at the wedding (of course). Chris was friendly, and Deanna was a big help with the kids. Throughout the wedding, while I was juggling my three children, Chris would say, "Wow, you really have to know how to multitask." or some other comment. They all sounded supportive and nice. So, I was surprised to hear this story the next day:
Tim, my brother, went out with Chris, Deanna, bridesmaids, etc to a bar after the wedding. I guess Chris had never been introduced to Tim. Chris randomly said something like, "Wow, can you believe how crazy Heather's little brats were?" (paraphrase from heresay) while Tim was sitting right next to him. In true Tim form, he let a 5 second pause go by, then extended his hand, saying, "I don't think we have met - I'm Heather's brother Tim."

This really shouldn't bother me. I shouldn't even let it. But it does. I like to think that people are real when they interact with the kids - if they don't like them, ignore them. But if you are going to look at them, look with love.
Okay, well, I will stop ranting. I needed to get that out. Thanks for reading.

The rest of the trip was pretty nice. We spent Monday and Wednesday with Amy and Brad. On Tuesday, we ventured to Denver to visit some other friends, Lauren & Ella, and Brent & Courtney. We only had about 1 hour to play at Lauren's, but that was probably for the best since the kids bonked Ella in the head about 3 times in an hour. Then we did dinner with Brent & Courtney... seeing them was great. Joel and I were refreshed by our time with them. They are missionaries at heart like us, but they struggle with day-to-day life like us, too... parenting, working, marriage. Their dreams are going to take awhile to acheive, just like ours. Alot to identify with. I feel sad they live to far away.

We got home on Thursday night, spent yesterday recovering, and I am back at the Star of Hope today. Life is always crazy, always exciting... sometimes I dream of being bored!

2005-08-08T09:25:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was a great day. Our entire family of 5 snuggled up in our queen-size bed for an afternoon nap. This may seem crazy, but the total weight of the younger 3 members = 64 lbs., so it is not too hard to fit. Actually, since Darin and Holden both want to sleep by the bed rail, they are sort of stacked - Holden with his head about 2 feet down in the bed, then Darin right above him. It is pretty cute.
Our life has been on full-speed-ahead since about June 12th, when we started working on getting to see Darin. Laundry has been pushed aside. Grocery shopping has been on an as-needed, if-eating-is-convenient basis. Toilets have been getting grimmier. Joel has been finishing summer school. And he took his last final at 1pm yesterday. Full-speed ahead.
Halt.
We finally stood still, all of us together, a family, in the same place at the same time. And it was beautiful. I love these moments.
Then the evening just got better. I actually got the laundry done, the toilet clean - and the outside says alot about my inner chaos. So that came into order to. Our evening was spent dancing. And rapping. Holden and Arabella spinned about with reckless abandon, falling down and crashing into one another. Then hugging and wrestling.
This is what life is all about.

Now we are about to have 10 days of vacation together. I am so excited. I remember the driving-vacations with my parents well. At 8, we drove to New York to see my godparents, Pete & Carol. Dad sang old hymns loudly, off key. We listened to books on tape. We played the alphabet game. Time well-spent. Just last summer, mom hit the road with me, Arabella, & Holden for Florida. That trip wasn't perfect. Holden didn't like being stuck in the carseat, so half my time was spent hanging over the backseat, trying to nurse. Don't picture it. But we got to see my cousins who live in Saudi Arabia. And play in the ocean. And I had 45 mins with my grandad - the last moments I saw him before he went to Heaven in October. I was mad at myself, because I had planned on bringing "Green Eggs and Ham", so he could read it to my kids, and they could share my memory of this. But I forgot the book. And now the memory is only mine.

I've been thinking about Grandad alot lately. I didn't know how to mourn him last year. Such mixed emotion... his last 3 years were so full of pain, and his 2nd to last year full of healing... it felt selfish to be sad. He is in Heaven worshiping God right now. But I miss playing battleship, eating grilled cheese and potato chips, working in the garage and inventing things with him.

What a great design of the Father - the family. How else would we know "love"?

2005-08-08T09:04:00.000-05:00

Life is passing so quickly...
My ideal scenario: I plan something, tell others about it, then execute it with perfect timing.
My real scenario: God puts dreams in our heart. We begin to pray about them. Things start happening that are way beyond our control... and may not even involve us.

Case in point:
We have been praying about going to Russia for about 2 years. Almost everything in our life has been leading up to that. At Christmas this year, Joel quit his job and I returned to work, so he could pursue a degree in Russian studies at UH. In March, we went to the Hope for CEE conference, where I really began to feel direction on what to begin doing for a move in 3-4 years... start learning about the city (Rostov na Donu), sharing the information with others so they will pray, building a team of prayers and a team of go-ers...
Honestly, I was ready to put all my energy into this.
Then along came our little angel Darin Michael. And my time has been reassigned.
But the work for Russia is not waiting. I barely have time to pray, but God is still preparing people. Obviously this is a good thing. But it also feels like I am left behind and like it is very out of my control. These are feelings I don't really like.
What's happening is good - our friend Jessica has become interested in joining our team to work in Rostov. She has started planning a trip to get exposure to the country. And she will possibly even meet our native Russian teammember, Sam - he might translate for the trip she will go on in December.

The same thing is happening with the church plant that God has laid on Joel's heart for here in Houston. I can pray for it, but Mike & Tammi are making connections, telling people, enlisting possible co-workers. Once again, this is really good. But it is also overwhelming because I am not very involved.

All I can figure is God is teaching me to be content to pray, and then watch Him pull together the logistics. Honestly, I didn't have a clue how to pull together all this stuff. And now God is doing an awesome job. I should be glad I get to know about it at all.

2005-08-03T14:14:00.000-05:00

Reflections on 28 years...
While living in India, I had two experiences with "older" women that I can relate to more today than ever before.

I shared my room, and alot of my traveling time, in Rajasthan with Helen. Helen was a 69-year old grandmother from San Angelo, Texas. And that is all I saw her to be for the first 2 months we were together - a grandmother. She wore different clothing than me (from the "Women's Department") and she wore her hair in a style that speaks of a different era, involving rollers and picks. Honestly, I didn't even try to find out who she was as a person. About 1/2 way through out trip, she got really anxious. Paralyzed by the unknown, she would avoid going out to do the work we came to do... "What a waste, what a wimp," I thought, having adjusted to this place like a fish to water. Then our team leader pointed something out - at her core, Helen is just a girl. The same girl she was at my age. She may have been outgoing or shy, pretty or homely, but either way, someone who needs friends. And her years have given her faith and experience that could teach me alot. I think it took reaching out to her/looking out for her about 2 days before Helen completely opened up. She began to share her journey to India. It turned out she was an adventurer like I only dreamed of becoming. And I almost missed it all.
About 1 1/2 months into our time in Rajasthan, the president of Caleb Project and his wife came to check on our team. They left 3 elementary-age children back in Colorado while they traveled throughout India. During their stay with us in Jodhpur, the wife pulled me aside and said this:

"I may not look like you, but I am not different. When I look in the mirror, I still see the young girl I was in college, and wonder who this woman is. I need a friend. You may not think that we are the same. But I am having a hard time right now. I see myself as the same as you."

Right now, I can understand these words more than ever before. Most of my social life is spent with beautiful younger women who seem to be a lifetime away from motherhood and marriage. Many times, I feel like I don't know what to talk about with them, because all of my similar experience are "I remember when."

As I grow older, I still perceive myself as 20 years old. I still long for my mother's approval. I still love the butterflies I get from holding hands. I still try to shop in the junior's section. Only now, my body shows the bulge of 2 pregnancies. And it doesn't matter if I can wear a bikini, cuz my husband likes cotton panties and a t-shirt best.

Actually, writing this made me realize what feels so different even though I think I am the same - I feel safe, secure, happy, like I have succeeded. Not that I've stayed a size 4, but that I am in a relationship I could only dream of at 20. I have kids I never even imagined. I don't feel like money is ruling my life, even though it is often a thorn in my side. My relationship with God is more requiring of faith than ever (which is a good thing). And I am not bored, which is a big fear I have about life.

2005-08-02T11:15:00.000-05:00

My life is a very busy adventure. Joel and I have been married now for 4.33 years, and only know each other for 5 years... in that time, we have had 2 kids, adopted 1 kid, moved from 3 apartments, lived with his grandma, and bought a house. Every other year, he has worked and I have been a stay-at-home mom... then the other years, he goes to school and I work. This is my year.
My day job
While Joel and I were dating, and struggling to "stay out of trouble" if you know what I mean, we started visiting the homeless people that live under Pierce Elevated (the freeway) in downtown Houston. They were so fascinating, and appreciated what ever food or blankets we could scrounge up to bring with us. And I started wanting to know what resources existed to help them. So I applied to volunteer with the Star of Hope, who has 3 homeless shelters here. But on the interview to volunteer, they recruited me for a job.
I worked at the Star of Hope the whole time I was pregnant with Arabella (2000-2001). And I loved it. I felt like me skills in organizing and planning could really help direct people. When I quit to take care of Arabella, I was sad to leave.
So for 3 years, I tried to figure out how to come back. When I worked in 2002, I needed more flexiblity than SOH could offer, so I worked for ECI. But this year, when it came time to go back to work full-time, I was ready. I returned to the Star of Hope Women & Family Shelter in January 2005. Alot has changed since my last stint here... It has become very "business" like, specializing more in having a process than actually connecting with the homeless people. Honestly, I have trouble being here now. I am praying God will give me the direction on how I can make the new setup here feel meaningful. It doesn't feel helpful.
But the schedule rocks
The best part of SOH is the schedule. I get off at 3:30, 2.5 miles from home, so I am home by 3:40 tops. From then on, I am 100% mom.
The real job
Like the triage nurse in the ER, I walk in and start planning which munchkin needs the most immediate care... Arabella's fussing - get her a snack; Darin's sleeping - throw his bigs and clothes in the washer; Holden's bouncing off the walls - take him outside to swing. This is the work I truly love. I am exhausted and completely fulfilled.
Having babies, the pregnancy part, was hard for me. But caring for babies, daily, constantly, is not hard. I love it!
On being a wife
The job that I focus on the least, but wish I could focus on more, is being a wife. Joel is a great husband. He actually goes to school and takes care of the baby, carpools the kids to and from school, and is preparing to pastor a church. He does alot. And my usual response to him is to ask for more - more help, more time, more of him. I am a pain in his butt. But I don't want to be... I wish we could just hang out more. That is how our love started - just spending 8-9 hours talking in a diner. We are definitely best friends.

My blog

2005-07-21T15:19:00.000-05:00

Doing God's work around the World just makes sense in my life...
Before I know the Lord, before He had rocked my world and given me a purpose in life, I wanted to be a world traveler. Growing up, my grammy & grandad lived in Japan and Saudi Arabia, and we were able to visit them in Japan. Also, my mom took us to visit Mexico several times. And my families form of "vacation" was traveling by car across the east part of the U.S. in a van with 3 kids. So I naturally wanted keep traveling as an adult.
Jump forward to college... I noticed that life was meaningless, without a purpose, in the Spring of 1997. The Holy Spirit was gently tapping on my shoulder, showing me where to find a purpose, but it took from January until June for me to pay attention. Then my life turned AMAZING. Between June and the next January, I felt the Lord leading me away from the major I loved (architecture) to a career focused on Him.
Doing missions just makes sense... travel combined with serving and loving people. Everyone has a way they express love. In my family, this is service - doing work to show your love to another.

God begins using my life for His purpose:
So as college went on, my mission work began. I spent 3 summers working with children with disabilities at Camp Barnabas in Missouri. This taught me to incorporate spiritual lessons into daily tasks. I bath and diapered, carried and snuggled, and disciplined and guided children and adults. This job required reliance on God more than anything else I had done. I also learned to see past the external to what God had designed them to be.

Then the adventure stepped up a level:
At the end of college, I was offered the amazing opportunity to live in Rajasthan, West India, for 3 months. During this time, I met beautiful people representing an entirely different part of God's nature and design. I fell in love with them and with the idea of teaching them about God. I dreamt of living in Jodhpur forever.

Upon my return from India, I started putting my life in order to get back to Jodhpur. Then I met Joel. During our dating, he told me that until God put a specific direction on his life, he would follow the directions God had given me...
By our 2nd month together, God began to show us the direction He would have us follow together. At a missions conference in Dallas, we were first introduced to Russia as a place in need of Jesus.

More to come, when I have time to write again!